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Original poster

All 4 Grandparents to visit straight after birth - too much?

40 replies

Motherinmarch · 17/10/2006 17:18

The headline says it all, really. Will having both sets of grandparents to visit be too stressful after our baby is born? We're first-time parents and all the grandparents are naturally keen to come and visit as soon as they can. They all live far from us (one set in Norway and one in south of England, whereas we live in Scotland).

They have offered to stay in a b&b nearby (at least one set), as we live in a two-bedroom flat. I am just worried about having to think about their needs as well as the baby's, and getting enough time to bond with the newborn and get to know him/her on our own terms. I am fairly relaxed about my parents, as I think they will be a great help, but if my husband's parents are visiting at the same time (which is likely - they're pensioners and so have lots of time to spare and want to book tickets as soon as I go into labour!) I fear it will be exhausting. My husband insists they can look after themselves, but I know what I'm like...I always want to cook nice meals etc. And I worry about them giving us enough time to just sleep/relax. I am also a bit worried about my husband not having enough time/energy to get to grips with being a dad (he's never changed a nappy in his life and we both have so much to learn!) when his parents are here.

Has anyone had a similar situation? What did you do? Is it reasonable to tell one set of grandparents (or both) that they are more than welcome, but not right from day one, but for example a week after we are out of hospital? Hope this didn't end up in the wrong forum!!

Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

OP posts:

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KathyDCLXVI · 17/10/2006 17:24

Yes, it's totally reasonable to tell them that. Your baby - you call the shots.

evilanniedividedin2byalargeaxe · 17/10/2006 17:27

Definitely think it is reasonable. I would also suggest both sets stay in a b&b.

BTW, if you are 'motherinmarch', come and join us on the 'due in march 2007' thread!

Original poster

Motherinmarch · 17/10/2006 17:30

Thank you for your replies. I will have to talk to my husband again. I don't think he can fully envisage what enormous changes a baby brings yet...not that I can either!!

I'll join the March club, thanks for asking!

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Pruni · 17/10/2006 17:33

Message withdrawn

NAB3 · 17/10/2006 17:35

I think you will regret it if you don't have at least the first few days on your own with your baby. It is such a special and exausting time that even though I am sure you want to show the baby off, you really could do without extra pressures. No matter how much they say they will look after themselves. You may end up staying in hospital for a few days and you really don't know what is going to happen.

Tatties · 17/10/2006 17:36

Oh yes, totally reasonable to say you don't want visitors straight away. I couldn't have handled anyone when I first came home from hospital. And when they do come DO NOT LIFT A FINGER!! Honestly just look after your baby, don't worry about making meals, cleaning etc... get them to do it. Don't worry about disappearing to feed/ have a nap with the baby, you will need the rest and time to yourself.

Good luck

CarolinahowlingattheMoon · 17/10/2006 17:38

It was too much having MIL to stay for a weekend 10 days after the birth - gawd knows what 4 gps would be like .

otoh, will you have anyone near you to help after the birth with making meals, housework etc?

tallulah · 17/10/2006 17:40

I came out of hospital with my second baby (eldest only 19 months old) to find that my grandparents who were staying with us to "help", had invited my ILs to tea....

There wasn't an unoccupied chair in the house and it didn't occur to any of them to get up so I could sit down (I'd had stitches). MIL just sits and expects to be waited on and never offers to actually do anything. They then spent the evening playing "pass the parcel" with the baby while milk leaked down my shirt

Give yourself at least a week before anyone arrives, and then make sure that they are looking after you, and not the other way around.

twocatsonthebed · 17/10/2006 17:40

for exactly the same reasons, we are banning anyone from staying for the first two weeks - I'm like you, I know that I will be trying to cater for people if they are around. And I don't want my DH to be feeling like a spare part if the baby is continually whisked from him - its his as much as mine, and he will need to learn how to operate it too!

Plus - and this comes from advice from others - I don't fancy struggling with breastfeeding, hanging out of my pyjamas or trying to sleep in the middle of the day with my own parents around, never mind any inlaws.

I say if you have a two bedroom flat, that's one for you, and one for the baby, and no one for at least a week!

Piffle · 17/10/2006 17:42

ASk them to leave it 4-5 days at least until you get the new mum lark under control - feeding etc. this especially goes as you never can be 100% sure of what will happen in labour, could be quick and easy (hopefully for you ) or not - in which case time to recover at your own pace is vital.

Original poster

Motherinmarch · 17/10/2006 17:43

I just read out some of your messages and he agrees with your views. We'll arrange it so that we have a bit of time to ourselves first, and make sure not all grandparents are here at the same time. My husband thinks we can learn from them etc. but I am a bit wary of being taught how to look after my own child by my mother in law, although she means well I just know I'll feel a bit incompetent if she tells me what I'm doing wrong...

OP posts:

Original poster

Motherinmarch · 17/10/2006 17:47

I think we'll make it really clear to them that they're welcome to come for a couple-three days, but say that we hope they can do their own thing for parts of the day (like sightseeing, going for walks etc.) so we can have some time to ourselves. And make sure they don't arrive until at least a week after we're home from hospital. I think they will understand. And I'll be blunt with my own parents (they're the least pushy on this I think).

OP posts:

SophieB · 17/10/2006 17:48

before i had my son, i said to my family and my partners family that i didnt want any visitors until we were ready, and when we were ready we would go to them, well an hour after i came out of hospital my mother in law came round, i was fuming so i stayed in the bath the whole time, them for about 4 days after we had non stop visitors! it is too much especially when you just want to sit down and cuddle your newborn!

Original poster

Motherinmarch · 17/10/2006 17:49

SophieB: That sounds like a horrible situation! Well done for surviving it!!

OP posts:

Tommy · 17/10/2006 17:50

I had all 4 grandparents plus my 2 sisters plus DH and DS1 come to vist at the same time when I was in hospital - that was bad eneough

TheBlonde · 17/10/2006 17:50

My parents came to see DS in the hospital and then we didn't see them again for another 2 weeks
My mother stayed for week 3 to help out as DH had gone back to work - this was good, she cooked, did laundry, didn't upset me

MIL came for weeks 4-7. In retrospect I was insane to agree to this. She is nice but said all the wrong things and generally stressed me out.

CarolinahowlingattheMoon · 17/10/2006 17:50

MinM, the basics are not technically difficult, really - it's actually doing it 24/7 while hormonal and exhausted that's the tricky bit.

Do you know any small babies at the moment who you could practice nappy-changing etc with?

theunknownrebelbang · 17/10/2006 17:52

Think it is fair to expect both sets of parents to stay at the B&B, whenever they arrive, and to reiterate the need for them to occupy themselves at least for a good part of each day.

Whatever decision you come to, I think you need to learn the art of sitting back and letting others do stuff around you...difficult I know, that's why you should start practising now.

Original poster

Motherinmarch · 17/10/2006 17:54

I'm not too stressed about not being able to do the practical stuff, just the sheer amount of work, as you say. I don't know any babies unfortunately. Not any that I can see regularly anyway. So our one will have to be the guinea pig!

OP posts:

Original poster

Motherinmarch · 17/10/2006 17:57

Thank you so much for all your insights and tips, I'm really overwhelmed!

I will remember to let them do things - I can do this with my own parents for some mystical reason (or maybe not that mystical - probably just reverting back to childhood when I see them!!) but it's more difficult with the in-laws...and then I tend to end up crying/getting angry at my husband at least once every time they stay because I'm stressed out...

OP posts:

disemboweledbint · 17/10/2006 17:57

we only rang people to tell them i'd had our baby once we were home and settled. then we told people when they could come round, and only for an hour at a time. this included relatives who flew over from france and stayed for 10 days at my brother's house near by. i made sure i asked them what they had planned for the 10 days so they knew in no uncertain terms that they wouldn't be spending 10 days non stop at our house. i got them some guide book things about places they could go etc..made it very clear. and when it all got too annoying i just took myself and baby into my room and said we were having a nap. then they soon got bored and went home.

Original poster

Motherinmarch · 17/10/2006 17:59

disemboweledbint: great idea. I don't think I can be quite as strict, but I like your idea of going into the bedroom for some privacy!

OP posts:

MarsLady · 17/10/2006 18:02

Totally reasonable to get them to wait a few days. Haven't read whole thread but would suggest that you talk to the grandmas and ask them to do a few things for you when they come (this includes getting the grandpas to do things as well). So between them (on the different days that they visit) they could stock up your freezer with home cooked lovelies. They could clean the flat.... um um.... well whatever needs doing really. That way they could be a help rather than a burden.

Also.... limit the visits, not just which days but how many hours etc and pre-warn the grandmas etc that your DH will be doing the nappy changing etc to him his time to bond with the babe.

I'm sure that that's all been suggested, but far too lazy to read the whole thread.

nailpolish · 17/10/2006 18:09

dont underestimate how you will feel

you will have the most enormous range of emotions, from fear through to rage through to exhaustion and utter desperation through joy and hyper-excitement!

sometimes you wont know if its day or night

to have just you, dh and baby will be more than enough

if you are planning on breastfeeding you will have things to worry about - like leaking nipples! to worry about this happening in front of your FIL will just add add add to the tension

Im NOT trying to say that you will not be coping with your new baby, all this is PERFECTLY normal and you will mostly feel joy and overwhelming love

i will never ever forget the first few days of my babies

my best advice is always ask gp's to prepare food that can be eaten with one hand - shepherd pie, fish pie, casseroles, risotto, soups - because, babies have a great sense of timing and are always hungry same time as you and you tend to find yourself bf'ing a baby under one arm and eating your tea with the other!

lots of luck and try to relax xx

nailpolish · 17/10/2006 18:10

uch meant to say i think a week is about right to ask them to wait

no less than 5 full days, anyway

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