Am I being selfish?

[Jonnywishbone]

I feel like I am reaching breaking point. I love my partner and our child dearly but sometimes feel like I am being pushed too far.

I am new dad. My day starts at 5.30am, looking after our 6 month old when he wakes and making breakfast for myself and partner. At 7.30 she wakes up and I shower while she looks after our son and at 8 she showers whilst I look after our son. I get off to work circa 8.30 (about an hour later than I would like).

I get back from work at circa 6.30/7. At this point she takes a break and I look after our son unless we bath him (which we do together). I tend to feed him at this time and then he goes to sleep. Following this I do the washing up, steralise everything and cook the evening meal. Sitting down to relax and eat at around 8.30 (depending on how feeding has gone). I then feed our son at 10.30/11 and go to bed myself at 11.30ish. I generally wake every couple of hours when our son wakes up and very occasionally find myself rocking him to sleep.

I don't see friends anymore, I don't go to the gym or pub anymore. When I want to go out my partner tells me I can't go out - to which I offer to look after our son so she can go out, in fact I offer this a lot. So I don't go out anymore.

Due to poor diet, lack of exercise, terrible sleep and stress my blood pressure is through the roof and I have fainted twice in two months when my blood pressure dropped quickly - I have been to the doctors who advised better sleep, exercise (things which my partner prevents me from having) but am taking garlic pills.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting to be able to have say a couple of hours at the gym a week or a visit to the pub once a fortnight?

The subtext of your post reads 'my wife is lazy, poor me', which makes me think you're probably being passive aggressive at home too, and won't help.
One of your first points is 'my day starts at 5.30'. Another is about wanting a few hours to yourself every week.
Well, when I first had my son, my day didn't start at 5.30, it just didn't ever finish. Unless you've been pregnant, given birth, then got up multiple times a night to feed a baby from your own body, never getting a much needed rest to recuperate, I don't think you can understand the fatigue.
And I didn't get a single hour to myself until my son was 6 months old. I didn't mind and I didn't expect it.
I'm sure you are tired. But both of you need to support each other. Accept that you are there for the baby and each other. Accept how hard each of you is working. Accept that there may be no time off for now. And be nice to each other.

We had a similar situation with our first, who was a high needs SCREAMER. I couldn't manage housework or cooking at all with him, I just couldn't. I have three under six now and my nine month old is crawling so it's busy, but the house is shiny as a new pin (honestly) and everything has a routine I don't have to think about. We get out together once a fortnight, we are both free to pursue our own hobbies and interests when we want, we are both doing courses and have had weekends away with friends etc. Technically, life with three young kids is a lot more work than life with one itty bitty six month old, but I have a real sense now of how fast it all goes and know that it will be gone in a blink of an eye, so I make more effort to enjoy it and don't stress about who's doing what or get caught up in point scoring.

You'll all get there, but concepts of fairness aren't necessarily useful right now. People get to the point they're managing it at well at different points and in different ways. Talk to your partner about YOUR feelings that YOU can't manage and ask her can she work with you to solve it. You're a partnership. You can do this. Also think about whether it might be better for you both to go out first as a couple rather than looking solely at time away from home. In the long run, I think this works better for people as they navigate this path.

Also... your partner prevents you from having sleep and exercise? No. You wake up because the baby wakes up. You could build in exercise into your working day if you needed to/were less tired. It's 24-7 for most women in pregnancy and the postpartum period, but that's expected by society. She probably feels at breaking point too, but doesn't need to go out to refresh, she needs your company and support to refresh. You need to find a way of meeting both your needs but if you go into a conversation saying that she's preventing you from doing x or you're at breaking point because of her, it won't end well. This is the 21st century, and you both have to share this parenting malarkey. It would be interestr to read how your wife perceives the division of labour and what you both do, because from your OP it reads as though she's suspended in a bubble doing nothing all day and night which I guess isn't likely to be true.... if it is, she probably is unwell with PND which is another story....

Agree with duplo. Surely it isn't your partner stopping you having sleep, it's the baby. And that's normal, unfortunately. Your OP reads very much like you are blaming your wife for your exhaustion and health problems, when unless she's lounging around doing nothing all day/night while you do all the work I can't see that it's her fault.

A PP made a good point. Pregnancy and giving birth are exhausting. They affect your body in a way that is hard to understand. Then as soon as you've been through labour you have a tiny baby to care for, night feeds to do. There is no let up, no break, no chance to recuperate. My DD is 14 months old and I still feel somewhat 'broken' by having a baby, and my DH also does a lot of the work.

You do paint a very negative picture in your first post op, and then have revealed that she does the night feeds...which is a big thing to take into consideration in my book. Is the baby near to getting rid of the night feeds or being able to go in it's own room? There isn't really much you can do about being disturbed through the night - but you seem to make out like it is your partner's fault?

I think you both need to sit down and have a chat (and specify that you don't want it to turn into an argument - You simply want an open forum to express what you're feeling) because I bet your partner is also feeling a bit lousy.

OP You need to sit down and talk to her. It is not her fault that you wake up in the night because you are a light sleeper.

I understand that you need time for yourself. I worry at your partners lack of desire to go out herself.

My Dad made mine and my Mum's lunch before he went to work. I was 4 and I remember the initials on the bag the sandwiches were put in. I'm sure my Dad didn't throw this back in my Mums face, he just did it as it needed to be done.

Sit down and ask her how she is. Postnatal depression can be well hidden. Has it crossed your mind that she could have this?

Do you have family support?

Having a small baby utterly reliable on you is hard work and can be mind numbing especially if you are used to going out to work all day. Somedays the only adult conversation I had was with a checkout operator from 7.30 when DH left to 7pm when he returned from work. I always found it worse this time of year to.

Can you meal plan? And ring as you set off from work ... Can you just put the oven on for the jacket spuds?

It isn't your wife's fault that you wake when the baby wakes, why don't you use earplugs?

Have you tried to exercise between 5.30 and 7.30? You could take the baby out in the pram or in a sling for a walk.

I can only offer my view (our DD is 2) but now. I am a WFHM and DH works full time.

MY DH is great with her but is rubbish at doing night stuff or early mornings which whilst it ocassioanly hacks me off after 13 years together I knew this before we had a baby!

As such I do the nighttime stuff and get up with her in the morning, I do the vast majority of house work and cooking but we do bedtime together and if needed DH will settle her in the evening.

I've always got up with DH when he goes to the office even if DD was not up - a leftover from my working days! As a side effect its good get up and get on!

I know my DH would willingly have DD whilst I go out in the evenings or weekends but i've never taken him up (apart from driving lessons, hair cuts etc) as we do most social things together. That is my choice and (apart from when i'm hacked off about other things lol) I'm happy with that.

I've never had an issue with DH going out as long as 1) he actually asks with more than 5 minutes notice 2) he keeps his phone on 3) he doesn't rock him stupidly drunk when I'm not expecting him to be.

That said it can be very lonely with a baby all day and incredibly isolating even if you see other people / friends. I do remember just passing the baby over when she was younger and needing headspace.

Maybe offer to get a babysitter so your partner can come with you to the gym if she wants? Once a week is not a lot to go out and actually once its a routine I find the extra me time quite pleasant! If your health is in question then you need to make changes.

I think it's hard to decide if anyone is being selfish without more information. What type of job do you do? Is it quite a relaxed type job where you socialise at work and are friends with your colleagues?

What time does you LO go to bed? Because if you get in at 6:30/7 and your LO literally has a bath then bed, then I think it's fair you spend time with him in the morning, so getting up and making breakfast is fair.

If you find you wake up in the night as you are a light sleeper, wear earplugs, I got some for the weekends for when my DH gave me a lay in and it was amazing!! Your partner isn't expecting you to wake in the night if she is feeding, that's something you are doing, so earplugs could solve this issue immediately, I got some from amazon, pack of 20 for £4.

I can understand your partner wanting to chat to you when you get in, it's sooo lonely home all day with a baby, even with 2 coffee or lunch meet ups a week. But you are entitled to go to the gym and the pub once a fortnight that isn't unreasonable. I just ask my DH to help put my son to bed then go out at 7:30pm. If its affecting your health, you really should speak to your partner about wanting to attend the gym.

I think you sound a bit selfish, yes.

You complain you have poor diet, yet you cook breakfast, lunch (at work?) and cook the evening meal, so why do you have poor diet? You make all the food.

the doctor advises better sleep, and excercise (but my partner prevents me from having them). No, your baby prevents you from having sleep, and after 6 months you haven't bought earplugs, not your partners fault.

You are awake for 2 hours in the morning but you can't exercise? You cant watch a cardio video on you tube and do it in your lounge? You cant do sit ups, push ups, take your LO out for a brisk walk?

You sound a bit selfish (many of your sentences of your OP start with the letter I) and expect to be rewarded with 'me time' for cooking a meal and sterilising your babies bottles.

I'm more concerned that your partner doesn't want to go out after 6 months and see friends, have you asked her why? She could have PND and be hiding it, she could feel alone, does she have family/friends she is close to?

DS 8 months here. I often hear blokes refer to their partners going for lunches/ coffees/ baby groups as though these equate with leisure time for the parent involved. They really, really do not. Wrangling my son while chatting about poo, weaning, nursery choices etc., in no way equates to actual 'me time' at the gym or down the pub. Just an observation.

Re your lack of exercise - why not take the baby for a brisk walk in the early morning? He could snuggle against you in a carrier. Especially if a doctor has deemed it critical for your health? You seem to suggest it's the gym or nothing.

Yeap, OP, I think you need to be more positive here. You are doing great, but don't underestimate what your DP is doing. Your baby will only be six-months old for a month, the bat of an eye. But you and your family will really benefit from everyone being involved.

There are some good suggestions here about how you could twick a couple of things to make it work better and a proper conversation with your partner.

I think really from your partner's viewpoint op it comes down to the fact that she is by herself from 8.30am until 6.30/7 and she is now panicking that this will be extended on a regular basis so you can go to the gym or pub, when by the time you get home she is desperate for a bit of adult conversation.

Does she go out with the baby in the day at all? Does she meet up with friends? See her parents? If no to all of these then she may be incredibly lonely, and also probably a bit jealous that you get so much "adult" time during the day, and then want some more. (I don't mean that as a dig to you - you are of course entitled to you time, just trying to go along your partner's possible train of thoughts).

What you describe sounds about par for the course to me with a young baby. It sounds like you're both exhausted. It sounds like your partner is doing the night waking (waking up to feed is a lot worse than being woken and able to go back to sleep) and you're getting a break at work, so I actually think it's fair that you get up in the morning and have the baby when you get in. Otherwise when is your partner getting to sleep? It sounds like you're getting 11.30 to 5.30 to sleep, which sounds pretty good. I bet your partner isn't getting a 6 hour stretch every night.

You speak like you're doing all the housework as well, are you sure your partner isn't doing some too? I think when you're both exhausted it can feel like you're doing it all when it's not really the case.

I think all the posters who're saying they had plenty of time to do housework had babies who were more settled and slept more. My memories of the having a little baby are pretty horrific and I would happily have swapped what you describe for 10 hours alone with a baby who cried most of the time whatever I did and never slept for more than an hour.

If you really feel you're getting a raw deal you could ask to swap the night shift for the 5.30-7.30 shift. If I was your partner I'd bite your hand off.

It depends on the baby.
I can't shower unless someone entertains dd. If dh isn't there I just stink and can't go out.
I do all the night feeds and have fainted with tiredness before just because dh works hard at work it doesn't make me less tired by magic when he gets home I need a hand.

As for cooking and cleaning ... baby naps on me and is ebf. Therefore time I can handle hot things and bleach is limited!

I once had a hospital appointment and left dd with expressed milk and dh for 4 hours alone. He was exhausted when I returned. At home with baby isn't the easy option!

One thing that could make all the difference is sleeping where you can't hear the baby. DH does this.

...also your dw sounds stressed out and anxious.
It might sound counter intuitive but giving her a whole afternoon every weekend or something might refresh her enough to do more and help her be less worried. Which might get you some time.

I'm a little surprised by these women who did cleaning etc with a 6 month old. Didn't these 6 month old need milk, cuddles, stimulation? If you paid a nanny and s/he stuck baby in a pen and cooked gourmet food you'd complain. Why should mothers do that?

Oh and the ambiguity about night feeds ... not cool. THE MOMENT night feeds are added your 5.30 am wake up starts to sound less "poor me" though doesn't it ...?

I'm afraid I'll be less understanding than the previous postes, OP.
Grow up!
It's not about you, it's about your son. The fact that you're feeling hard done by is neither here or there. Stop being so selfish. Yes, it is tiring and endless and not a lot of fun. It will pass. Seems like yesterday I was crying in my breakfast because my child wouldn't let me eat and I was exhausted. She just made and brought me a coffee. It passes.
What will stay is your wife's resentment for being such a selfish idiot.

Kia unfortunately the early replies (I cook my DH dinner so should she...) set a bit of a tone. I showed the thread to my exhausted dh (for similar reasons to the op) and he immediately thought "poor woman sounds like she's depressed/hormonal" and pointed out the night waking is no one's fault and if HE cooks dinner he chooses his nutrition!
That's from a guy in a similar "place".

Yet women are using the logic "my dh won't lift a finger so women should grind themselves down..." No. If you're doing the childcare job/role, that's the job you do ... and you should be supported on beibg healthy for that.
I'd love to see a health check on the mum in this scenario not the dad ... bet she's dog tired, stressed...

Luckily my DH realistically prepped himself for no time/sleep for either of us for several months!
He goes to the pub now but his drinking buddy is pregnant so it's more to give her/her dh our old baby grows and tell scary tales of poo ...

Kia I got less sympathetic the more I read it! Plus I thought he was saying he was doing the night shifts... When I realised he wasn't it gave a whole new perspective.

I'm currently sat mumsnetting while DH is simultaneously cooks my lunch and looks after DD. I don't feel bad, he slept last night and I was up 4 times with teething DD.

Came back to have a look, I must admit I read the OP as he was doing the night feeds, this puts things into a different light if she's doing the majority of them, I have a 16 month old who still sometimes wakes and woke at least once until 11 months so I know the zombie feeling well which makes getting much done in the day hard. My DH and I had a deal that no one was more tired than the other, that it wasn't a competition and like I said before we shared weekends and he did bedtime if he was back in time.

I still think you need to discuss how you feel with your DP, like PP have said, she might be a bit down, but it's important you still see friends, but it just might not be as often at first. Gym at lunchtime? My DH used to do that then in the summer would go for a run after DD was in bed.

Food, I'm not sure what to suggest, it depends what you're expecting to eat. Some nights might have to be a 'heat up' dinner. Or could you bulk cook at weekend and freeze it?

Anyway, hope you find a solution to suit both of you.

You're both knackered, you have a long day, she has a long day. It is tricky being alone with the baby, and I can understand her not wanting to be left alone in the evening also. But I don't think your being as selfish as some PP have said, you have said in your OP that you'd be happy to also give your partner time away from the baby, and what you are asking is a couple of nights out occasionally, or a bit of gym time. It does get a bit competitive, I'm alone with the baby all day and my DH commutes into London 2 hours a day and has a busy job, and I know it is tiring for him to. He sleeps in another room so he can get a good nights sleep precisely so I can hand DS to him for an hour in the morning to have showers etc. I'm in the middle of the two camps here, I don't think your being an arse to say you do a lot and you are tired, because you are, but also I don't think like others your partner could be doing all the stuff like cooking or cleaning just because she is at home, as there are certainly days when for one reason or another you just can't get anything done. Although it isnt actually neglectful to be able to do some cleaning during the day with a baby if the baby is the type who can play happily for 30 mins within sight while you do the dishes for example, or lie in the cot with the mobile on while you tidy bedroom etc, they can still get all the milk, cuddles and stimulation they need! But obviously only you know if your baby is quite high needs/clingy etc, and of course you partner is in no way obliged to do these things if she'd rather not leave the baby at all or put him down. You need to decide between you what is the most harmonious way to share things. DH does bedtime most week nights while I cook the dinner. If she doesn't want to go out then she doesn't, so your offering it is helpful only if she wants it. It's tough for both partners, but I know for me the 12 hours between DH leaving and coming home can seem like double that! I hope you can work it out, you do sound like a very hands on Dad tbh, but I don't think you have it any worse than your partner.

Having a 6 month old baby is hard - get over it!

It will get easier.