extremely anxious, and in Spain

[helenjc29]

Hi need advice, moved my family to spain in 2012 to lead a "better" life - i.e. less debt, more health, new experiences. Now in situation where debts have ballooned husband and I hardly speak and kids (10 and 12) won't go to school. They have attended school but patchily, finding the language (Catalan, not Spanish) a real hurdle, and making few friends. We live in the countryside and now I don't even want to go to the town in case i meet a teacher there. Have tried to drag kids in but they refuse to get out of the car, try to talk to them and they ignore me - sanctions have no effect, except for causing more arguments. I think I want to go back to UK but husband isn't keen and we have no money to facilitate that. I alternate between being nice mum and cross mum and inside feel as though I am dying. So guilty and sad. Can't see any way forward ...
thanks for reading
H

What are the benefits to remaining in Spain? Is your debt growing while you're there? It really doesn't sound like it is working for you as a family. Are there any English language schools your children could go to?

Have you asked your children what they think about returning to the Uk? Would they attend school of they were in the UK?

Hi both - there are no English language schools around here - they tend to be in the cities which are too far away. Benefits to staying here seem minimal at the moment - apart from that head in the sand need to not rock the boat any further !
This situation has been brewing for a while, but has come to a head since Xmas with both kids refusing to go back to school, but not giving any reasons - other than tummy and headaches. I have suggested that we could go back to the UK and they both say they won't go to school there either. Problem here is that the agencies - schools, social services etc are hard to talk to with my minimal catalan. I have tried to keep the channels open over the last two years, but the bottom line from them is that the children have to go to school ... which I know. If we were in the UK I would at least be able to talk to the agencies if necessary.

The school problem is knocking on to my relationship with husband who works from home, so sees the kids here all day and is just angry - understandable but causes more conflict.
But you are right - this isn't working for us
H

So neither you nor DH are natives of Catalunya? If your DH works from home, presumably he could work elsewhere as well? Why isn't he helping to resolve the problem of the children's school refusal?

Why have the debts ballooned whilst you've been there? (Other than the obvious: relocating is incredibly expensive, and places which seem cheap when you're on holiday are always more expensive to live in than you imagined).

I can't see any practical alternative to moving back to the UK and starting afresh.

Debts were result of bad management on our part - frustrating as we have been living frugally since we arrived . One good thing is that we have no mortgage, and own some land and a little house here - we mainly owe money to family and friends who have helped us out, plus an ongoing business debt.
I am a trained teacher who could earn in the UK - I know on the face of it it is obvious that going back is the right choice - but trying to navigate through the emotional effect of it all is muddying the waters. DH does help but is now in such a conflict relationship with the children it is making things more uncomfortable and difficult. He is also working his socks off trying to keep the financial side of it afloat, and for him it is easier to ignore the situation with the kids I guess. Rightly or wrongly we are all trying to survive the situation in our own way -
I must say thank you to all who have responded - despite the crap situation - it is helping me to write it all down !
H

Meant to say that selling the property here is an option but not a very attractive one - is pretty run down and had been on the market for 4 years when we bought it. I have thought about trying to let it for cheap holidays in what is a beautiful bit of the world - but again that is contingent on us being able to talk and make a sensible decision about what to do.

I think you need to sit down with your husband, go through every option and come up with a plan. It doesn't sound like the current situation is sustainable. The children need to come first and getting them back into school, be that in the UK or Spain, should be a priority. Were they school refuses in the UK too? You're right that it would be much easier to access support if you're in the UK because of language and also because you're familiar with the processes.

As you're a qualified teacher, could you make the decision to home school your kids for now? Get them signed up to some online schooling and make it clear that they'll be doing school work whether they attend school or not. Do you want to separate from your DH?

If after 2 years you and the children haven't settled and things are deteriorating, it's time to move on. Whether that be back to the UK or to a different part of Spain (maybe outside Catalonia or maybe just in a bigger city where you could work and the DC coukd go to an international school/Castilian language school if they do speak Spanish.)

One thing that sticks out is that your DH is angry at you because the DC are not going to school, and that he's in such a conflict relationship with the children that he can't help with that. I think this is a big problem. Can he see his responsibility in this? Or does he think all responsibility/blame for parenting lies with you?

Is there an option to leave your DH in Spain and return to the UK? I don't mean separate the marriage, just live separately. He could then live in the property whilst it was on the market. I don't think you can afford the investment it would take to make the property into a holiday let - if it was a good bet for that market, an investment buyer would have bought it when it was for sale for four years. Realistically you need to retrench and forget about investments whilst you're paying back your debt.

It sounds like your DH has basically bailed out of the situation, other than burying himself in work to earn money. If he won't help you resolve the problem, I would take him out of the equation. I'm guessing you can't afford to go home and throw yourself on the goodwill of friends and family (as you've used all that up already) but could you establish yourself in the UK on your salary plus a share of DH's?

Britbird - yes I agree and have arranged for kids to go to a friends for Saturday afternoon in the hope that we can get something clear in our heads.
I think husband is finding it easier blaming the kids for everything than accepting the enormity of the problem and working out a way of dealing with it.
That said SolomanDaisy, I don't want to separate from him - however difficult it is right now we all love each other. Online schooling might be an option - though never really come across it before. Tried homeschooling when we first came over - with mixed success.

I'd agree home schooling sounds like the best option until you work stuff out. You need to be firm with your kids and tell them the options are school at home or at school but they have to have an education. you have so much going on that addressing one thing at a time would be best otherwise you'll be overwhelmed with everything! and let's be honest relocating back to the UK isn't going to happen over night.

so...address the kids first. Once they are more in a routine and settled with school they'll be happier and you'll be happier.

get a catalan teacher in to help teach the language to all of you.