How do I deal with ds1 when he hits ds2?

[Tory79]

Ds1 is 3, and has not taken well to the arrival of his brother 3 months ago.

The hitting has lessened, but still happens a few times a day, often when I'm feeding him, or when he's asleep. He also tries to poke him in the eye a lot.

I am trying to stay calm about it, and mostly try and follow advice I read to ignore the hitter and give your attention to the one whose been hit, on the basis that ds1 is most likely doing it for attention. However sometimes he really makes him cry and I just lose it and yell at him which doesn't help anyone the more he does it the more I find it hard to keep my cool. Eg today ds2 was dozing off in his bouncy chair, ds1 yelled that he wanted him awake and then just ran over and hit him hard around the head causing ds2 to really wail.

Ds1 has really struggled with the presence of his sibling and his previous good behaviour has gone down the toilet in lots of areas, but this is one I'm finding particularly hard to deal with as its my baby hurting my other baby

Any advice?

I would be firm but fair.
Next time he does it, stop what you are doing, down to this level, look him in the eye and tell him 'no you do not hit/poke your brother, you do not hit anybody, it hurts' and then warn that if he does it agin he will be put in time out. You must then follow through, no matter how much he protests.

I understand your worry about new sibling and possible jealousy, you say he is a good boy, so this is no doubt a phase.

We had this with DS (almost 22mo when DD was born). Physical violence was non-negotiable: even if it was a hint of a smack he would have to go and sit in the corner of the room we were all in by himself for about 30'seconds. We didn't want to be too harsh as we knew he was going through such change but this violence had zero tolerance (and like you I sometimes saw red when he hurt my precious newborn, including once biting her on the head!). However he did generally love her/was fascinated by her so we played on that: allowed him to cuddle her whenever he asked, praised him over the top when he was kind/gentle. Three months on, he now very rarely lashes out at her (although I still don't leave him with her out of sight!) and dotes on her. I just need to watch out for pokey 2yo fingers.... Sometimes he would go to the corner, come out and go straight back again as he hit her yet again and it was very hard, especially as he really didn't like it, but touch wood so far, the consistency seems to have paid off...

Have you shown him how to interact with the baby? As in be gentle etc because it sounds like he's trying but doesnt know how in some cases. Then big praise when he gets it right.

Also during flash points like feedinf, give your three year old a snack or little special toy to play with as he will be feeling jealous.

It is difficult for your three year old - you are treating him as older than what he is (you'll know what I mean when your baby is 3!) - he is still young. Okus you're tired and protective over your new baby. Having a second really changes how you view things!

Yes iggly, he knows to be gentle, and sometimes he's fabulous, sits there lovingly stroking ds2s head, kisses him, tells him they're best friends etc etc (and he gets loads of praise and positive attention for this) but other times he just wants to hurt him, which I do understand but aaaargh!

Tell him it hurts baby and to be gentle
But you said it happens mainly when feeding so he probably feels jealous, hence the suggestion to give a snack or have a special toy only for feeds. Or a magazine.

My ds was a bit like this with baby dd but now they're very good with each other mostly

Our technique was a bit different. I think hitting a new sibling comes from a place if insecurity, and ignoring/excluding the anxious child is likely to feel to them like abandonment and make things worse. It may work eventually, but the older sibling will be suppressing their insecure feelings rather than not having them.

When we had two parents available we tried a time in. Basically we would removing the older child from the situation, but stay with them and offer cuddles and reassurance. There's some info about the technique here
www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/How_To_Transform_Your_Time-Outs_To_Time-Ins/

Obviously sometimes you just have to do the best you can, and that has definitely included moving the older one away or out of the room if that was the only way I could keep the little one safe. But then I would try to reassure them (while expressing that dd2 was hurt and it isn't kind to hurt people) when I could.

I did a lot of talking about the older one's feelings and helped them to name their emotions, we also spoke about the baby's feelings and how much she liked it when dd1 was kind.

I also spoke a lot about how much dd2 lived dd1 without asking her if she loved her back.

My two are now 3.6 and nearly 2 and are very close, so it does pass.