yet another hideous kids party... for me

[tallskinnylatte]

Another joyful day which started fine then party this afternoon- DD (Nearly 6) often has a small tantrum before while she decides what to wear or that it isn't quite perfect enough, we then are late, which makes me snappy as I KNOW from previous experience that she'll then have another moment when we arrive and everyone else is already having fun. despite me saying there would be lots of games, DD insisted on wearing overlong princess dress which she can't run around in. DD then wouldn't join in games- though to be fair she does seem to enjoy watching everyone else. I'm getting used to that as it happens every time but at the moment I just seem to snap at the smallest thing and managed to do that today- can't even remember what DD did/said but I ended up taking her out of hall loudly bemoaning why she couldn't just joining in, then only just managing not to cry. Pretty pathetic and I still have to face most of the parents on Monday morning, if not tomorrow at yet another party. in my defense I've had a full on work week where I've worked during school day, bedtime til midnight and got up at 5.30 to fit in a couple of hours before DD gets up. Somebody please tell me that I'm not the only one to slightly lose it at a kids party? and why is it only ever my child who doesn't join in? she seems fine with it but I worry about her getting excluded from things- I'm already fairly sure we don't get invited to as many parties as other children (which may be a blessing!)

Why is it so important that she joins in if she is happy just watching? I would leave her to it, as I don't think it is a battle you can win. It isn't only your child who doesn't join in, but she is the one you notice the most.

I have one who tended to do her own thing when younger. At 16, she is OK now, but like me, she isn't a party animal. Neither am I normally. Some people aren't.

Perhaps your daughter finds parties intimidating?? I know I used to when I was about that age.

You sound as though you are hardly getting any down time at all. Is that making you frazzled, so that you are overreacting to a perceived problem which really may not actually be a problem at all.

I agree I would let her watch if that's what she is happy to do.
I hated parties at that age as I found them intimidating too and hated it when my mother forced me into hideous dresses and to take part.
So she will probably grow out of it

Ds for years was only happy if we got to a party before it got busy. If not was already noisy and boisterous when we arrived he would hide behind me.

So try getting ready earlier and arrive before it gets busy.

I have felt on the verge of tears at children's parties too. It can be quite a high pressure environment I always found - like NYE where you're meant to be having the most awesome time ever and the pressure makes it all go tits up! My DS at that age was a bit of a nightmare sometimes.....oh the pain of pass the bloody parcel. Had to carry him out like a parcel at one party around that age.....he'd won the pass the parcel but missed out on the sweets the rest of the children had. Was trying to get to know the other DC and parents too. Definitely lost it about that! But in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter and no-one particularly notices, I don't think.

You can really feel like your parenting is on display, rather than the reality.....which is the other parents probably aren't noticing your or your DC at all. The children are all otherwise engaged and don't notice anything about a child not joining in, or having a bit of a strop as they're just wondering where the next bit of sugar is coming from!

My dd was the same. Just wanted to sit on my knee rather than join in. Used to really piss me off.

There's always kids who don't like to join in but happy to watch, I had 2 like that at my daughters party today, their mums were with them and encouraged but didn't push them to join in and they eventually did.
Parties can be intimidating to some children, if possible why not get her to choose an outfit the night before, maybe give her 2/3 suitable outfits to choose from, the you can get there early before it's too busy

I have a memory of being picked up screaming, being forced to join in a party game instead of being allowed to watch.
It was horrible, really horrible.
I am a fairly confident adult now, so not liking party games never affected me in later life.
My son is the same, I bite my tongue and let him do what he is comfortable with. It's tricky even when I understand!

Just let her get on with it. It's her party experience not yours. Let her do what she's comfortable doing. She'll grow out of it.

I agree with what everybody else said. Let her sit out if she wants to.

You sound like you let her boss you around though.

You knew the dress would be a problem but you let her wear it because she insisted.

She had a tantrum about clothing but was still permitted to choose what she wanted.

I get the impression you were late because you were pandering to the tantrum, no mention of time out or similar for misbehaving.

You knew that she hates arriving after everyone else has started having fun. Yet you didn't take control to ensure that you arrived on time.

I just seem to snap at the smallest thing and managed to do that today- can't even remember what DD did/said but I ended up taking her out of hall loudly bemoaning why she couldn't just joining in, then only just managing not to cry.

This is because you are letting a 6 year old be in control. As you have found, this leads to bad results. You are the parent. Be the parent. Learn to say no. Learn to put her in the naughty corner or whatever if she has a tantrum. If she's having this many tantrums at 6, you must be caving to them, it must be a good strategy for her is she's still doing it at 6.

Other parents will definitely judge you if they see you pandering to a brat then getting all snappy and loudly bemoaning her because she doesn't behave the way you want. You have to teach her how to behave.

I have a DD who is like this and I used to get really annoyed with her until I realized that my anger and annoyance wasn't helping her and in fact it was making her feel worse and ultimately increasing her bad behaviour.

I haven't got it sussed but I try to be supportive by setting form boundaries with her. I let her wear what she wants but take a change of clothes if I think she might struggle later.

I don't worry about arriving late. I just let her sit with me until she feels ready to move out into the bigger group. Sometimes join in with her until she hits her stride and then let her get on with it.

She notoriously struggles with Pass the Parcel as she can't cope with not winning so we have talked about it and agreed that it is probably best she sit out if she feels she can't enjoy it which is what she does.

Occasionally I have to be firm with her and say no to me doing everything with her and she does detach on those occasions but mostly I am happy to join in if it makes her feel more secure.

My experience is that she needs my support in those situations not my chagrin. I was a shy child and I would have hated it if my mother had treated me the way I have treated her on occasion. And at the end of the day does it really matter what other parents think of me or my DD?

My DD1 can't cope with party games. She will join in at school but never, ever at parties for some reason. I do let her sit it out, but I have pointed out to her that she will never, ever have a chance of winning if she doesn't take part. I think she does understand this. Her problem lies with games where there is no 'skill' involved (she's a complex soul my dd1), in other words, you win pass the parcel if the music stops where you are sitting. She does better at musical statues etc. where she has more control!

She's 7 now, and party games don't feature much for her age group now or so it seems.

As regards the dress issue: I would have done the same. Let her wear something inappropriate so that she learns how to dress for certain occasions. This approach with Dd1 means that she will now dress for the weather: she has eventually learned that if she wears shorts in the snow, she will be cold . However, I sometimes take a change of clothes with me. I don't think I am pandering to her: I'm letting her see that there are consequences but also that as she's still only 7, I will still be there to sort her out.

Did she want to go?

I have a 7 year old who prefers to sit back rather than join in. It drives me crazy and sometimes I do lose patience because I can see how she misses out on opportunities to do things that she would probably enjoy. For her I think it's related to a mild sensory processing difficulty.

My 4.5 yr old never joins in either. Annoys me but am not going to force him to join in.

The trouble with all of us mums is that we expect our children to see things the way we do. I think you might get along better if you learn to see the world through your daughter's eyes. The danger is that if she feels you don't understand, it will cause further friction between you and reinforce the idea that there is something wrong with her.

She doesn't see parties in the way you see them. For example - my friend loves being in town on a Saturdat night - she loves the atmosphere whereas I'm constantly wary of my bag getting nicked, seeing a horrible fight break out or getting hit on by a drunken letch. I'd much rather be a nice restaurant with people I know - my friend gets really frustrated with me over this. The same thing applies to your daughter - whereas other kids go mad at parties - she probably sees them as quite intimidating - the high levels of noise and activity probably make her retreat a little rather than jump in. This is just her personality, she can't really help it.

I think she plays up because she's anxious about being out of her comfort zone and being made to do things she doesn't want to do. So make life easier for both of you. Tell her you know she finds parties difficult but make a deal with her - if she wears more practical clothes then she only has to join in with one party game. Something like that. Then if she wants to sit out the other games just let her. Make a game of it together - see if you and she can guess who's going to win etc.

Try not to place too much social significance on parties. Try and balance it out with situations where she might feel more comfortable eg having one friend over to her house or to the park. Parties aren't everyone's cup of tea.

I think you might benefit from looking at ways to increase the amount of rest you're getting too. Children's parties require a degree of energy and you can't do them if you're running on empty. You deserve a break for yourself.

Unfortunately children's parties are a necessary evil but you can make them less stressful if you learn to see them through your child's eyes and let her be who she is. I've no doubt she's like many shy children - bright, sensitive and really very wonderful. She will make true friendships in her own way I promise and you can help her have the confidence to do so by accepting her the way she is.

I don't like grown up parties. I certainly wouldn't enjoy them any better for being forced to join in.

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. I wouldn't force children to join in by shouting etc. but I would talk to them beforehand about what might be happening at a party and explain the games and say they have to play them if they want to go to the party. If they don't want to play them I would decline the party invitation. If we got there and they wouldn't join in (over the age of about 4) I would take them home.

If everyone refused to join in the games couldn't work properly. Plus, although some children not joining in might just sit quietly I have been to a number of parties where the children not joining in have been running amok, which I don't think is fair to the person trying to supervise the children and organise games.

Thanks all- firstly, it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one. I'm also much more comfortable in smaller groups- as is hubby- so why on earth I except DD to be any different who knows!? On the other hand I have had to learn how to be more confident with bigger groups through work so I know that some of this can be learnt- at least get you though life ok. I also swing between the view that I'm letting her take too much control- I do think I do this sometimes- and letting her make a decision so she know what doesn't work. At least I can remind her that that dress just doesn't work for parties now. We do have lot of boundaries and time out step etc so she's not a brat (most of the time!) as far as I can see.
We had a party the next day too but this one was in a play centre and she was a lot happier- just toddled off with her friends and pinged back for a cuddle every so often.
As for time out for me- well it does happen- my sanctuary is running- but no time when it's a busy work week. thanks again- some tips which I'm going to work on.

Seriouslylyffs- yes she did want to go and wanted to stay right to the end.

DD (5) really struggles at big parties, just wants to sit on my knee. She'll finally get into it 20 minutes before the end. Have felt like crying at these many a time!

Small parties at someone's house are miles better.

It's her friends.
It's her invite.
It's her 'do'.

But you manage by your own admission to make most parties about you. Your wants, your needs, your desires, your moods.

She must dread them. Mum making a scene again.

I know this sounds harsh, I mean to shake you out of your 'you' centric mindset! Think about how your behaviour spoils something pleasant for her.

I'd recommend a minute of concentrating on your breathing. Calming your nerves and relaxing. Because your het up you take it out on her. It's pretty common - just look round the room! But it is something you can do something about easily. Good luck at the next one.