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Original poster

Siblings Without Rivalry, anyone else read it?

18 replies

grumpyzebra · 19/04/2004 20:48

Following my own heightened awareness of the topic due to an ongoing situation in DH's family, I picked this up in the library. Thankfully the book didn't have a lot of inmediacy for me because my kids do generally get along quite well, but it has certainly caused me to look at their relationship differently, and hopefully help prevent me from falling into certain bad parenting habits. But there are points of the book (like the title!) which I still don't know if I can accept.

Anyway... anyone else read it? Thoughts?

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stupidgirl · 19/04/2004 20:54

Yeah, I've read it - a while ago...what do you have a problem with?

3GirlsMum · 19/04/2004 20:54

I have the book but must confess that I havent read it yet so will be interesting to see if others have and if its worked!! I really should get into it, mine fight like cat and dog at times!

happycat · 19/04/2004 20:58

I have read it what problems did you have then?

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melsy · 19/04/2004 20:59

May be lavender should read it

GeorginaA · 19/04/2004 21:03

I have this (pre-empting - second child not due until May!) and a couple of others of theirs (the How to Talk and How to Learn books) and generally think they're great. Obviously the "How to Talk" book has had more practical use seeing as how there isn't an actual sibling yet

It does feel very "American" (that's not quite what I mean, but I can't think of a better way of phrasing) and OTT in places... a bit stilted and false? But I suppose part of it is that you take the principles (which are sound) and adapt to your own speech/behaviour patterns.

I agree that it really does make you step back and listen to yourself a lot more. Quite scary sometimes, but I'm glad I read them (and keep going over them from time to time) now while ds is young, rather than when things are more ingrained and bad habits harder to break.

Janh · 19/04/2004 21:03

No, haven't read it...hadn't heard of it even...so far, although mine do bicker and piss each other off, I don't think they are actually rivalrous as such.

We do try not to compare and contrast or say "why can't you be more like so-and-so?" They have different talents, skills and irritations and everybody seems to recognise that. I tend to share out my rants fairly evenly and I think that helps. We all very well aware of each others' faults. Nobody's perfect (esp not me).

Does this help at all, gz?

Original poster

grumpyzebra · 19/04/2004 21:04

What do I have a problem with.. well, I think the title is a bit misleading in that inside even the authors admit that some siblings will never get along, in spite of the best parenting skills in the world. And the ways they say to handle the situation where one child gets an 'A' on a test and another child only gets a 'C'; it doesn't feel natural to me to (seemingly) completely dismiss the achievements of the child who got the 'A', although I fully understand that the child who 'only' got a C shouldn't be left to feel inferior. Also the whole thing about how children will inevitably be resentful of a new baby (like Penelope Leach, they give examples of the things we say about new baby that if our husband's said it in the context of 'another wife' all of us would resent). All I know is that DS didn't resent the arrival of his sister, so somehow I think there ways to make the arrival of new sibling/baby non-traumatic... but there are many basic interesting ideas in the book. I think I was doing a lot of the 'right' things already, and the book will reinforce those... and the book also made me realise how my parents naively reinforced problems between me and my big brothers, too, making me have (a little!) more compassion towards them (even though they were horrid to me as a little girl, I can now better understand their perspective.

Mm... there's a lot in the book about leaving it to your children to sort out their own solutions to conflicts -- ie., don't give them a solution... which doesn't really work with very young children. What works with me is if I run through a list of suggestions and then just wait it out if my list doesn't get anywhere... and often someone will compromise and I don't sense that (generally) either child feels victimised by me doing that... I think maybe with very young children you still have to take a lead and the book could reflect that... which made me wonder how or if other ideas in the book need to be modified when you still have a baby or non-verbal child in the house.

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grumpyzebra · 19/04/2004 21:08

LOL, Melsy. What sorts of things do the "How to talk..." books say, then, GeorginaA? If I had to boil Sibling Rivalry down to a few sentences, they might be "Treat each child as an individual without reference to the other children, and with rights to their own feelings" and "Help them find their own solutions to conflicts". Also "If you have a favourite child, don't let on" and "Worry about the needs of each child, not about being perfectly fair to each child".

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GeorginaA · 19/04/2004 21:08

gz - yes, there's a lot in there that really only applies as the child/ren get older, but I have found that my ds is quite good at resolving his own conflicts with other children (if they're fairly amenable too) even at the age of 3. Admittedly not a sibling, but it did take me by surprise that he could. I do keep a close eye though and intervene if anyone's getting unnecessarily stressed, but try and offer simple options that they can choose from.

I didn't get the impression they were saying be dismissive of a child's achievements either, but have to confess I'd have to reread that bit.

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grumpyzebra · 19/04/2004 21:12

Oh yeah, but 3 is different from, say, a 1yo, who really can't grasp what negotiation is, or how to communicate or stand up for his rights, and as for an 14 month old compromising... ha!

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GeorginaA · 19/04/2004 21:13

They say very similar things but written in different contexts/perspectives. Things like acknowledging rather than denying a child's feelings (tremendously successful diffusing a situation in our house when ds is worked up about something, I've found).

There's a chapter on engaging cooperation which again I found ace even with a young toddler: describe what you see, give information, don't waffle on when a single word will do, use "I" statements about your feelings etc. Giving choices. Avoiding labelling/forcing your child into roles, encouraging autonomy by helping them to use other resources when they ask "why"...

I'm sure there's lots more, but I'd have to dig the book out!

happycat · 19/04/2004 21:15

When I read the book I also done a parenting class based on the book the most helpful thing for me was letting the children sort out their own conflicts to a point.It worked a treat when they were only really fighting to get my attention.The course made us look at the realationships we had with our siblings too which was interesting.We often play the game what do you like about your sister/brother.

GeorginaA · 19/04/2004 21:15

Yes... the really useful stuff kicked in for me about the age of 2, tbh. Although some worked from the age of 15/16 months ish (when my ds started walking, and cooperation was more essential!!) but it was good to get into the right speech modes before, even if it didn't really "work" I think... more for my own benefit.

Original poster

grumpyzebra · 19/04/2004 21:20

Maybe I should chase the book up for engaging cooperation, alone. Although DD cooperates without thinking about it, DS used to be a right pain (is getting better, though...).
I remember a friend saying that his parents had typecast him and his siblings as "The Scholar", "The Athlete" and "The Musician". I remember cringing even as he told me the story, esp. since he was supposed to be "The Scholar", but kept wanting to sneak off and play football instead!

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spacemonkey · 19/04/2004 21:26

yes i've read it and i think it's brilliant, just like their other book "how to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk". Inspirational.

Janh · 19/04/2004 21:47

Most of this stuff is just commonsense though - "how would you feel if...?"

Or even "how did you feel when...?"

melsy · 19/04/2004 21:50

These sound really good , I think i will have to add them to my reading list. I think jan that they just help pull stuff out that you may not think about every day.

GeorginaA · 19/04/2004 21:56

Oh most of it is commonsense, you find yourself nodding through most of the book!!! It's just not that "common" a commonsense!

It's amazing how many bad habits I have when speaking/interacting with ds and reading a chapter at a time and thinking about it, observing what I do and say pulls me up sharp every time and makes me realise this is NOT how I want to treat my son. Definitely worth owning a copy if you get on with the style and giving yourself "refresher" courses on a regular basis. TBH, anything that helps you stop, take a step back from the situation and think "what could I do better here?" has to be good.

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