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Parenting

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Original poster

Nearly 9 year gap between children!! Thoughts?

38 replies

LalaLeona · 08/01/2015 10:15

Hi there, I have a just turned 8 year old dd, and I am trying to conceive right now. I Had to wait this long due to health and financial reasons. I just wondered, am I crazy?! The age gap is so large they will not have much in common, and I expect my daughter will be a little jealous after having all our attention for 8 years. She does not even want a sibling. (She has a 21 year old "half sister" who lives with her mum, so she doesn't see herself as not having a sibling), and also she says she doesn't want anything to change, but I think it would be beneficial when she is an adult for her to have a sibling. Also our home just feels so quiet with just the 3 of us and somehow I always feel as though something is missing. Do you think it's better to have a 9 year gap or better to stay as an "only"?? Just wondered if anyone has experience of a big gap or opinions. Thank you so much for reading x

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Homepride1 · 08/01/2015 11:00

Not quite the same but my oldest dc are 11,9 and 7 I thought I had finished as not with dc's dad, in another relationship but there was never any hope we would ever have children, move in ect!

I fell pg (huge surprise) and now have a dc 15 weeks, when I was pregnant I did worry about the 7 year gap between the baby and the other youngest (all my children will be in secondary before the baby even starts school ) but to be honest it's the best thing I ever done!

The age gap is great, it's like having your first all over again, older kids at school and I have all the time in the world to give the baby one on one attention, the older dc's adore her and are bloody brilliant with her!

It's wasn't planned and I'm now a single mother of 4 but I can honestly say I wouldn't have it any other way

PatriciaHolm · 08/01/2015 11:05

There is 12 years between DH and his DB, and 14 between him and his Dsis, and they are all very close. I wouldn't let the gap put you off.

missnevermind · 08/01/2015 11:06

Mine are 16 14 5 and 3.
When I had the third it was like having a first again. Plenty of time for them. Not having to run round after toddlers.
The older 2 are fantastic with the smaller ones and the younger ones adore the others. Yes they have their moments and everybody has spats but

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missnevermind · 08/01/2015 11:09

Oops sorry
They are all friends and it is simpler, less refereeing to do. The older ones play with the littlies and the littlies adore their older brothers. Yes they have their moments but who doesn't.

lk26 · 08/01/2015 11:14

13 yr gap here. Babysitters a plenty as she has 3 teenage siblings

IrnBruTheNoo · 08/01/2015 11:17

I've a 7yo and 4yo and pregnant with my third just now. Eldest two will be 8yo and 5yo if this pregnancy is successful and goes to term. I am a little worried about the age gap, but all going well, eldest two will be in primary school and the baby will be at home with me.

Original poster

LalaLeona · 08/01/2015 11:27

Thank you so much all, so you reckon just go for it? It won't be too traumatic for her going from being an only all these years to sharing her parents?

OP posts:

lk26 · 08/01/2015 11:34

My daughter was an only till my youngest was born. As I said 13yr age gap and no jealousy at all.

Dolallytats · 08/01/2015 11:35

Mine are 21, 6 and 17months-so a 15 year gap between the first two. Although I do wish they had been born closer together (just didn't happen for us that way), they do get on. Obviously the relationship is different, not least because my eldest has left home and is expecting her first baby (my lovely first grandchild-exciting!!), they are still pretty close.

Although DC2 does think girls are yucky, he still loves his sisters!

PetraStrorm · 08/01/2015 11:49

10.5 years between my two (DS then DD). It's great. They have a lovely relationship and hopefully they'll be friends later in life too. There are 11 years between my sister and me (with 2 brothers in between) and we get on great in adulthood so I hope it's the same for my two.

My main worry was having to deal with a stroppy teenager and a stroppy toddler at the same time, but so far (touch wood...) it's been fine.

morethanpotatoprints · 08/01/2015 11:54

I have a 9 year gap between dd and ds 2 there are 12 years between dd and ds1.

What can I say, got caught on the change. Cried for 2 whole weeks when found out pg as a huge shock and really didn't want anymore.
She is the best think that happened to our family and wouldn't change a thing.
Its so much easier too as no other little ones to look after.
downside, people assume so much that isn't true but I can live with that.

morethanpotatoprints · 08/01/2015 11:54

thing not think, sorry.

Original poster

LalaLeona · 08/01/2015 15:11

Do you mean they think your kids are by different dads because of the gap? Interesting..thanks for advice

OP posts:

olivesnutsandcheese · 08/01/2015 15:31

We have an 8 year gap between DSS and DS. It's worked brilliantly. I 'trained' DSS to be a bit more self sufficient while I was pregnant which really helped. They are 10 and 2 now and get on so well. It helps that DS is stupidly cute and all DSS's friends like him and find him funny. Just be prepared to put some locks on doors to safeguard their stuff and work out 121 time for the older one. Go for it

TheWoollybacksWife · 08/01/2015 15:48

Mine are 20, 15 and 8 (today). As a PP said it is like having an only child again (3 times in my case). They are all incredibly close. I was able to give DD2 and DS lots of attention when they were babies because their older siblings were out at school.

DD1 in particular was brilliant with DS when he was born and would happily sit cuddling him and playing with him while I got on with other stuff. She did get one or two looks in the supermarket if she was pushing him in the pram though - maybe I just looked too grim for people to assume I was in the glow of new motherhood

soundsystem · 08/01/2015 15:48

I don't have any experience as a parent, however my sister is 9 years younger than me and it's brilliant! You are right that when we were kids we didn't have a lot in common, but I really think we had the best of both worlds: we both got a lot of our families time and attention when we were small, but now we're adults we have someone to turn to for support for any family issues - I can imagine this will become more important as our parents get older. My sister is great with my dd, as she's nowhere near thinking about a family of her own yet she has lots of energy to put into being a great Auntie! We're very close, and I was never jealous because at 9 I was old enough to understand when she needed attention. In fact as a teenager I thought it was great as I could get a way with a lot more with my mum distracted with the little one (sorry, I know that's not necessarily a positive for you!)

morethanpotatoprints · 08/01/2015 16:55

LaLa

Yes, that was one thing, that it was a different Dad. Not that I suggest there is anything wrong with this, but it was a presumption from a teacher, to account for a bit of bad behaviour from my ds2.
I couldn't believe her attitude tbh.

Then starting school, the reception teacher said "I see you've brought your grandma".

Wtf do they do it, I only looked like a grandma because the other parents were bloody 20.

It wasn't only teachers though, other people didn't bother me if they were nice and asked because it is quite normal for people to have more than one partnership/ marriage etc. It was the presumption.

florentina1 · 08/01/2015 17:23

It really changed the dynamics of our family, for the better. Mine were 9 and 7. They were second parents to him and very close. They are still very close, have shared flats, holidays and despite age difference have children of similar ages to one of his siblings. he was 14 when my first Gks was born and somehow allthough the youngest he seem to be the glue that holds our 17 strong family together.

Dolallytats · 08/01/2015 20:52

morethan, this reminded me-DH has been asked if he is the 6 yr old and 17 month old's grandad, which he was a bit peeved with.

On the other side, someone also thought him and our 21 year old were partners!! That really grossed DD out!!

Original poster

LalaLeona · 08/01/2015 22:09

Haha yes that happened to my dh when he was out with his dd21 (my sd)! A stranger said to him wow you've got a lovely young lady haven't you? When they were out together! Sd was not impressed!! Also on the flip side if/when we do have another baby my dh will be 48, so he is worried about the whole looking like the kid's grandad issue! Oh well, serves him right for marrying a younger woman well 36..so not that young!!

OP posts:

Andro · 08/01/2015 23:15

12 years between me an my younger brothers, to say that we don't get on is an understatement... in fairness though our mother's parenting made sure of it!

Just make sure your elder DC doesn't feel that they're being replaced.

Equimum · 09/01/2015 13:49

I'm 11 years younger than my brother and we've always got on really well. When I was young, it wasn't so much a sibling relationship as him being like a special babysitter, or something. Now we're adults, though, we get on really well as brother and sister (although he's still fiercely protective of me)

morethanpotatoprints · 09/01/2015 19:11

Just coming back to say, just go for it if it is what you want.
There will always be people who will get the wrong end of the stick and quite often its funny to see their faces when you tell them the truth.

When I was 21, long before kids a woman in supermarket thought dh was my dad, we are the same age.

DoItTooJulia · 09/01/2015 19:30

I have a 7 year gap. Same DH. Ive been asked outright if they've both got the same dad! I just laughed, but it obviously does make people wonder!

The gap has plus sides and downsides.

Pluses: ds1 is hugely helpful, in lots of ways.
Ds1 has a sibling
It's your second, you're more chilled and knowing.
You get to see your dc1 fall in love with their baby sibling, and hear the special voice they use to talk to the baby

Downs: I'm 7 years older, with a 'career' job and a non sleeper. I'm knackered
Ds1 has had his life turned upside down, he can't watch Cbbc with his brother around, only CBeebies so we compensate in other ways: he stays up later (hes 9 now, his brother is 2) and watches more grown up tv. He plays a lot of trains with his brother too. Maybe it's not a downside, but sometimes, I do miss our ds1 and me time.
It's bloody expensive if you didn't keep your baby stuff!

But, they're a joy and I wouldn't change it in a heartbeat! Ds1 adapted really well too, I was worried bout him having been an only with all our attention and resenting the baby, but I needn't have;it's been awesome!

lem73 · 09/01/2015 19:33

I have a nine year age gap between dc1 and dc3. The biggest advantage is having a little helper. Now I have a free babysitter too. There's no downside but it is a big crazy doing Oxford reading tree with one and gcse Shakespeare with another!

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