bridesmaid duties with a newborn

[jessicat1989]

Hi all was hoping I could get some opinions on this.
A very close friend of mine got engaged in November and I'm super excited for her. She said initially that because of money the wedding would noway be before Sept 2016, to give plenty of planning time.
She's changed her mind and is set on a venue she's seen, for Sept 2015.
She's answer me to be a bridesmaid which I was of course really pleased about! But now she's moved the wedding forward a year I've got all these anxieties about what's to be expected of me. I am currently 20 weeks pregnant, due right at the end of May.

1. She speaks of buying out dresses from China off eBay and will measure us for them in late June/early July.. Now I'm a big girl anyway at a size 18 but surely I'm still going to be a completely different shape at this point? I'll have given birth little over 2-4 weeks ago potentially! I'm anxious when it arrives the dress won't fit or will look horrible.

2. The venue is over an hours drive away. She speaks of providing transport for guests but I'll have to drive because I can't gaurentee that with anxious newborn ill be up for staying till the end of the reception! She thinks that's unfair but with anxious baby little over 3 months old, we may not even be in a routine, and if we are I won't want to ruin that routine!

3. I'm going to be breastfeeding so that's a whole world of problems in itself. How will I feed every few hours in a well fitted BM dress ect ect

4. Hen party in August - she wants a full spa day followed by an Ann Summers party. How am I supposed to leave my 10 week old to go out all day long, espesh if I'm breastfeeding :(

I stared to mention some of my anxieties to her and one of the other bridesmaids told me it "shouldn't be a problem - she's your best friend" and to "shut up and use it as an opportunity to let my hair down"

I'm a first time Mum and none of these girls have kids. Are my anxieties justified or am I just being OTT? My Mum agrees with me, bit that's how they make me feel.

Agree with Rockchick. You don't know yet if everything will be fine or not and that in itself causes anxiety.

FWIW I was still in cluster feeding territory with DD at 10 weeks and at 4 months went to a friend's wedding (as a guest, no obligations whatsoever) and, although it was lovely to have a few hours off when my auntie took DD while we had dinner, it was so massively stressful getting baby/us/pram/bags there, trying to keep her quiet for ceremony, trying to find somewhere she could nap etc that I don't think I'd do it again. I freely admit I'm a bit of a stresser though.

If it were me I'd definitely bow out of the BM duties now.

It could only work with flexibility and consideration on both sides. She is already showing herself to be lacking in both those qualities. It will only get worse, so I suggest you politely decline, but do not be surprised or disheartened if the friendship declines. True friends do not behave as she has done. Good luck with your pregnancy.

I'm with you lot. I think she should pick a venue closer as well mainly because of all this family business! When her sistergot married it was 20 min away so people nipped back throughout the day -- including the bride and groom since they missed the grandparents at the wedding :( she's saying she will pay for a carer to go round on the day but her grandma has severy anxiety/depression/agrophobia and hasn't left the house (apart from hospital stays) in 11 years!! I don't see how all of these things will work and even offered to whizz her round a load of alternative venues so her family will be able to attend but she's having none of it x

Admittedly I ff my ds (pfb) but he is currently 5 months old and I've still not left him for more than half an hour - and that was with dp. we weren't even going out (apart from weekly food shop) until he was 14 weeks as I couldn't cope with it. personally I think you'd be putting an unfair amount of pressure on yourself to get on with it when you just may not be ready. I vote that you politely bow out too, good luck

I was going to say make sure you can bf in the dress...although I guess if expressing works (didn't for me) you will be fine...
I went to a wedding as a guest with DD2 at 6-7 months - weaned but still bf - had to leave during the room during the ceremony cos she started grizzling. But that was fine. (Couple were happy for her to be there etc -bride was 8 months pregnant!)
It was at the reception I realised I hadn't accounted for bf -had a knee length tent dress on. Only way I could have fed her was to raise the dress up and flash my support wear! DD2 started nuzzling in and then getting frustrated - she was tired, it was really hard to distract her. Spoiled the reception for me. (DP was keeping an eye on DD1 who was running around performing for all the guests). I did even think about locking myself in a loo or something but the cubicles weren't that big. Horrendous.

I was a bridesmaid for my cousin when ds was 3 months old- he was a hard work clingy colicky baby. I didn't make the hem do as was heavily pregnant and was too much. My dh had to take ds out during the service because he started crying. Getting ready was a nightmare as ds just wanted cuddles from me. We had the dresses made and I ended up having to drive 3h+ each way with a 2 month old to be fitted it was a nightmare. I was definitely still a size bigger than normal - if possible get dress big and find a local dress fitter who can adjust just before the wedding with minimal stress. We had to leave the wedding after the meal before speeches/cutting of cake/first dance as had just got him into a bed time routine that worked and didn't want to spoil it. We were also lucky that as was family wedding lots of people held him during the day. It was tough but worth it. My cousin was very understanding maybe speak to your best friend and see if you can compromise

Thanks ladies. Next time I see her without the others ill have a word hopefully she'll understand x

I'd be tempted to compose an email explaining your thoughts on this and the venue. Ring her and tell her you are sending her an email and to call you after she's given it some thought.

I don't think she'll listen on the phone or in person!

Oh she sounds like a nightmare - her perfect venue comes above her guests, but she's the one who is annoyed at people not re-arranging their world to be there?

Sod that for a game of soldiers!

Just a different perspective for you.
By the time my pfb was 3 months old, I was back working FT and she was left with a nanny. We definitely had a routine and I wouldn't have had any difficulty in attending a wedding 1 hour away with my DP, she was a happy baby who slept anywhere.
However by then I wasn't BF and I was definitely still an odd shape and I wouldn't have wanted to be 'on show' as a BM so I would still step down from being a BM if I was you.

I was a bridesmaid for a friend when my ds was 3 weeks old. I was exclusively breastfeeding and the brides mother very kindly gave me her room key so I could sneak off to feed DS when needed (I wasn't confident enough to feed in public at that stage and the dress required me to flop down the boob tube)
DS did amazingly on the day but he was still in the sleepy newborn stage. I'd imagine if he'd been abit older he would of been more challenging.
I did have to opt out of the hen do which was around my due date and about 30 miles away. Bride doesn't have children so she didn't really understand how much of a stress it was for me. But just wanted to give you my experience that it is possible.

Hope your friend understands.

I also wanted to add that I had to have an emergency c section with my PFB and there is absolutely no way I would have been up to bridesmaid duties or even attending a wedding 2-4 weeks afterwards - the long car journey alone would have been agony. Obviously you may have a natural birth, but just wanted to point out another consideration.

I had a fairly tough breastfeeding journey: I was never able to express and at 3 months old (and later!) I was still feeding at least every 2 hours, and breastfeeding took an hour - ie I had less than an hour actually clear between feeds (you count from start of one feed to start of the next). For the first couple of months, breastfeeding involved stripping DD right down to nappy so that she would stay awake and keep feeding (otherwise she'd be asking for food again 20 minutes later - actually, there was a certain amount of that anyway) .

So there's no way I could have gone to a wedding - and it would have been awful to have that pressure and perhaps have given up bf because of it, since once we got it figured out it was a fantastic experience. I carried on until 18 months!

Point is, you don't know ahead of time how things will be.

Oh, and my DD also screamed - major non-stop, blood curdling screams - within 5 minutes of being in the car at that age.

I'd definitely bow out as bm. If all goes well with your baby, you can still attend as a guest.

Those posters who were merrily enjoying weddings a few weeks after having their babies may well have had easy babies but you have no idea yet what sort of temperament your baby will have. I hope for your sake you have a lovely angel baby but I had my first baby 12 weeks ago and he is colicky, high needs, and would in no way manage at a wedding. Nor could I leave him for longer than an hour or so at a time because I breastfeed him and he needs so much of my time that I literally haven't any chance to express so couldn't leave milk with anyone else. Please don't make plans based on the best case scenario - I've found getting to know my DS difficult enough without the added pressure of feeling I had to either make it to an all-day wedding or let down a friend at short notice...

Congratulations, by the way, and hope your baby is a total joy!