Shared Parental Leave/Stay at Home Dad?

[Kym134]

Hi all,
My DH and I are TTC currently and we have been discussing shared parental leave so that I can go back to work after 6 weeksish (6 weeks and annual leave) and he wants to stay at home with the baby. Has anyone thinking about using the new shared parental leave or any experiences as a stay at home Dad as I earn a lot more than he does and I would love to be able to allow him to stay at home but all of my friends and family have said "you won't know how you feel till you have a baby and how long you want off".

Has anyone wanted only a short maternity leave and then needed longer?
Any experiences would be useful.
Thanks!

It isn't just me either btw. A friend of a friend is a sleep consultant and says the most common trigger for calling her is dad having to get involved in night waking because there is a new baby and the older child has been passed on to him.

I am not saying it should be this way. I am not saying all men do this. I am just saying it is common and be aware of the risk.

I know it happens but I would not ever describe it as common with couples who are together. Dh did alternate nights even when he was working full time 12 hour shifts with dc1 when he was 23. My friends partners are all the same as they want to do it, not because they are made to.

I would describe it as very very common. I suppose that is the thing with lived experience, we can have totally different ideas of what is common and both be right.

Watching with interest, I go back to work after 7 months next week and DH starts three months paternity leave. I am main earner and defiantly more career focused. I would have said I would only take 6 weeks before I had DD, but luckily have a good maternity package in current role and timing of pregnancy worked well.

The things I have learnt in hindsight are:

Having a baby is an enormous change, which I could only really get my head around after 12 weeks.

Physically (had emcs), hormmonally, emotionally I could not have gone back at 6 weeks, despite being utterly confident that I could do before having DD. for someone who has been career focused (and therefore quite fond of and good at control, organisation etc) I can only liken having children to being hit by a bus !

I have enjoyed leave enormously, not just being with DD and seeing her grow, but also getting some perspective on my career and how I need to develop, but it's probably only in last 3/4 months that I have really felt this.

Think my husband would say that at least the first three months were really hard for him at work. He never did a night feed but he couldn't help be disturbed if DD had a bad night (even in the spare room), there is little catching up at weekends and I really needed him home by 7, so he needed to make sure he left just after 6 each day.

Its going to depend on how you are physically after the birth. Which you wont know until the time. Its certainly theoretically possible, but id try and work things so you can have some flexibility - maybe saving now so you can cope without salary for another month?

We are using the shared parental leave provisions and are currently at the switchover- my husband stopped work at Christmas and won't go back until March. I am back at work in a couple of weeks when our daughter will be 6 months.

I couldn't have gone back at 6 weeks. I was still bleeding and recovering from a very unwanted and traumatising section (I hate hospitals and wanted a home birth). I was exhausted from the night wakings and my brain was mush. The fairly short commute would have been too much - I work in central London and my consultant was also based there; when I had to go in to see him for my six week check, the journey felt like a marathon.

My husband was (and is) very good and supportive (he did many of the night feeds while I expressed as baby wouldn't take boob) but it was still really tough. I just about feel ready to face the world again now.

i went back pt after 3 months (old rules) and it was ok but would have liked longer
i loved my job and career
the minute my baby was born, i realised it was a load of crap compared to my pfb
6 weeks could be v tough. even recovery ftom birth could be that long
i worked up til my due date as i loved my job so much

The thing is, it could be such a different experience depending on so many factors. How your delivery is, what kind of baby you get, how you feel after, feeding, sleeping etc etc etc.

Personally I couldn't have gone back that early, I still felt as though I was under water! I loved it and it was a fabulous time, but pretty full on emotionally and practically.

I went back at 6 months and DH took additional paternity leave (now a SAHD). While I certainly could have gone back at 3-4months, 6 weeks would have been far too early. In fact, neither me nor DH remember much of the first 6 weeks as it was all a bit of a blur (had a Velcro baby that required us to hold her through the night, taking turns).

Having a SAHD is great!

I hate to say this but by going back at 6 weeks you will be going back just as baby starts getting interesting! DD is 7 weeks and dare I say it, leading up to Xmas I was getting a little bored! I loved the newborn cuddles but she basically just lay there either sleeping, screaming or filling her nappy. But after you hit the 5 wk growth spurt they start smiling, interacting with you more, etc. I know the baby stage is really just a tiny part of having children but just thought I'd throw that into the mix.

To be honest I couldn't have worked after 6 weeks, I was physically exhausted and still recovering from the birth. I was breastfeeding throughout the night, roughly once an hour at that stage. It took about 4 months for my body to heal enough to not hurt all the time. I went back at 6 months but next time would take a year as the breastfeeding went well and it was a shame to stop.

I had an emergency c section and physically was still pretty ropey at 6 weeks. I also agree with the pp who said 6 weeks is when things start getting more interesting and a tiny bit easier, so seems a shame to miss that!

Also, what if you go overdue? I'm not up on the new rules, but if your ML kicks in on your EDD and you go over does that mean you could end up going back after 4 weeks? (I was 2 weeks overdue...)

There's no reason if you're physically well why your wish to be with the new baby should trump dh's really so if you've agreed it should be dh who stays at home then it would be mean to backtrack unless you're both happy with the revised plans or agree from the outset to review after a month or so. I think you'll feel comfortable leaving the baby if your dh is a capable and confident carer - which he will be after a bit of practice even if not straight away. Sure you'll miss him/her when you're at work but so would dh if he went back full time. One thing I find a shame about the new law is that it doesn't allow both partners to go part time for a while to genuinely share the parental leave. And most employers only offer their enhanced terms to the mother - if dh were to take some of my leave in the first six months we would be swapping my full pay for his statutory.

It seems I'm very much in the minorty thinking you will be fine. I went back very early and was def physically and emtionally ready to go back. Personally we (me and OH) didn't find having a baby that big a change, they don't really do much in the early days and their needs are pretty simple. Assuming you and your OH have no real background in baby care you will both learn it together and whoever stays home will end up knowing your baby better, and be able to pre-emt what they will need, as they will be use to reading their cues. Its not a better parent thing its just a logical extenstion of spending more time with them.

Now having a toddler that is a major change, really fun and interesting and if you can save any time off for when they start crawling/walking and intereacting with you I would def do that.