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Parenting

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Original poster

Which is a better age gap - 3 yrs or 4 yrs ??

11 replies

mumtosp · 28/12/2014 12:05

Hi all,

DS is 2 yrs and 2 mo and we always wanted 2 DCs. if we decide to have the 2nd one now, then DS will be 3 by the time the 2nd one is here. But I am tempted to wait another year.... Just need some time for myself. Plus we have been house hunting for the past year and still haven't found anything.... I just have this big list in my head that I want to sort out before having a second DC.

But everyone keeps telling me that now is the right time... If there is too much age gap my DCs may not play together.... I should just get the baby years out of the way... etc etc...

So I just wanted to ask you if waiting another year would really make that much of a difference ?!?

TIA :)

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divingoffthebalcony · 28/12/2014 12:10

Honestly, people on MN overthink age gaps so much

Get pregnant when you're ready to get pregnant, irrespective of the age gap.

Lots of people I meet at playgroups seem to go for two under two, and I couldn't imagine anything worse for my physical and mental health. There's over a decade between me and my only sibling, and we get along just fine.

lecherslady · 28/12/2014 13:02

Ultimately I agree with diving, primarily you have got to have your children at a time that suits you. I also think that personality, gender and interests are far more influential on how well a sibling gets on than age gaps. My two are three years apart, and get on really well - they're genuinely good friends with each other, and get on much better than some friends who are only a year or two apart, because they have not got the same degree of sibling rivalry, and have shared interests in common.

That said, there does come a point where siblings do not play as well together due to the age gap. I have friends with a five year age gap, and their children are not as close as they're just simply at very different stages in life. Seven year olds are generally not interested in the games of a two year old and so on...

Not sure when the gap becomes too big though, I would suspect somewhere around a four / five year age gap, but again that would be influenced by gender, interests and personalities.

Panzee · 28/12/2014 13:03

My two have a three and a half year age gap. Seems perfect for you. :)

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squizita · 28/12/2014 13:04

What diving said... worked with families all my life and ONLY on MN are there these obsessions.
Not to mention nature, finance and relationships factor hugely. You can't just order up a child on the day you want it (or at all, sadly, for some).

Go with the flow: if you're baby crazy crack open the folic acid, if you're not quite and not pushing 40 give it a year or 2.

Honestly, children are not scarred by having the "wrong age" sibling. They are by parents who over plan to the extent they puck up on being the wrong age or gender ... even if mum or dad don't mind, a dumb comment from an in law can hurt. Says the twin who was, of course, the unplanned one (as 1 twin must be said a relative).

Panzee · 28/12/2014 13:11

To be slightly less facetious, the best thing about the age gap between my two was that I was on maternity leave when my elder started school, so I could be around for that.

rainboweveryday · 28/12/2014 16:18

squizita, that's terrible! (OK, I'm a bit hormonal today ). I'm sure if your parents had been able to express what they felt, it would have something like 'So, one was planned,and the other was a wonderful, unexpected, miraculous gift'.

squizita · 28/12/2014 16:48

Yeah it was an unpleasant member of the extended family.
My mum is very her pro twins and thinks it's great. Instant family with only one pregnancy and labour! My gran lived with my parents for a while so she had a helping hand.

TantricShift · 28/12/2014 21:40

I have a 4 year gap between DD's. Not by choice but it has worked out well for us. DD1 can get herself dressed and ready for school, get her drinks, play independently etc while I sort out DD2. She even helps with DD2 which is amazing. They have a lot of fun together and make each other laugh so much.

The only downside is trying to manage the needs of a crazy toddler and those of a school aged child. It was ok before DD2 was walking but by 10 months she was off and now I spend a great deal of time trying to stop her from leaping off things and generally causing mayhem. I think DD1 gets a bit resentful of the attention I have to give to DD2 at times.

That said I am happy that DD2 waited to appear and we have the gap we do as it gave me loads of time with DD1 and now she is at school I get t have loads of time with DD2.

qumquat · 30/12/2014 15:03

I agree with those saying it's not an issue either way. I'm 5 and 7 years younger than my siblings and we get on brilliantly. Don't have another earlier than you'd like because of what others say.

Original poster

mumtosp · 30/12/2014 15:31

Hi all,

Thanks for all your replies!! I guess waiting till I'm ready is the answer :)

I am 5 years older than my brother and we never actually played together... But then we have very different personalities :)

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wingsandstrings · 30/12/2014 18:24

Well different strokes for different folks but my two are 2.5 years apart and to me it's been a perfect age gap. One DD and DS. The age gap was big enough that the oldest had some independence when the new baby came along (i.e. oldest was toilet trained, could follow simple verbal commands like 'put on your boots' without me having to physically make it happen, could feed self etc etc). However the age gap has been small enough that they play beautifully together at age 4.5 and 7 and have done for a couple of years.

Being so close in age has meant that practical things are made easier in that they enjoy going to the same places and watching the same TV and playing the same games as they're close enough in age . . . it's easy to feel we're doing things 'as a family'. However they were far enough apart in age that I did feel I had a good amount of time focusing on child number 1 before 2 came along, and then 2 years when child 2 was at home having one to one time with me while child 1 was at school.

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