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Original poster

'Only child' - positive thoughts

34 replies

dhwhoooooooo · 12/10/2006 18:08

'only child' sounds a bit negative don't you think? I love the French description 'enfant unique'.

My son is one. I am one. My mum is one. Her mum is one. We are 4 generations of only children - quite unusual I guess.

I did not want to have an only child - i wanted two. It didn't happen and it won't happen - but I have come to the realisation that actually one is great - and that my reasons for wanting two were not good enough anyway (mainly social convention). I struggled with my one and two may well have tipped me over the edge.

What I find difficult though is the reaction of strangers - who seem to be amazed that anyone would only have one child and surely I must be getting ready for my next one. Because surely nobody would choose to just have one. I just find this view extraordinary, not to say ignorant.

Oh well, rant over. Come and join me parents of children without siblings!

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wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 12/10/2006 18:24

oh thank god enfant unique sounds so much nicer . It does have its benefits .

Original poster

dhwhoooooooo · 12/10/2006 18:29

lots of benefits indeed

OP posts:

Blu · 12/10/2006 20:19

LOL - I love 'enfant unique' but will be v careful where I use it to describe DS! I can just see the reaction at the school gate!

There's a lovely thread somwhere amongst those of us with enfants unique (oooh, it SO lives up to the 'precious' stereotype!) looking for a bit of sisterly suport in the face of the reactions you describe.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

GeorginaA · 12/10/2006 20:24

I am an only child, and I think it's lovely when only children have parents who were themselves only children - because they can truly appreciate the benefits and know how best to work round the potential disadvantages. I think your son sounds very lucky

GeorginaA · 12/10/2006 20:25

(oh, just realised - sorry I gatecrashed - I do actually have two children . But I did understand the sentiment )

Blu · 12/10/2006 20:50

Souds like sisterley support to me, georgina -and a lovely post too.

chocolatemummy · 12/10/2006 20:53

I have dd who is almost 3 and still find parenting difficult, although I love her to death and wouldnt be without her, I deep down would like her to have a brother or sister but can't go through it all again. She is destined to be an enfant unique me thinks

Jimjams2 · 12/10/2006 20:53

I have 3 children, but am an only child. As an adult I'm amazed at the negatiive reactions I get when I say I'm an only. My mum wanted 6! But seemed fairly content with just me I found being an only had lots of advantages (which I can see when I compare myself as a mother of 3).

hulababy · 12/10/2006 20:54

One child is great; perfect - just as perfect and ideal as having 2, 3, 4 or more children Ignore the words of strangers and other people. They know nothing.

Must find that other thread. It is really lovely.

chocolatemummy · 12/10/2006 20:59

a few of us said we were just having the one when we first had our childen and now i am the only one left who still feels the same, it makes me feel awful but i was brought up in a broken home and hated my step dad and my mum never had the money to take us on decent holidays, send me to dance school, pay for school trips etc and I want to be able to give my daughter what she needs and wants and what I want.

northerner · 12/10/2006 21:03

I am an only child and have 1 ds who is 4. The jury is out on if I will have another. Wish I could have closure either way tbh, bey feel I lean slightly towards not having another.

It is people's reactions that annoy me 'oh you can't just have 1' .Of course you can.

iris66 · 12/10/2006 21:06

I never wanted to have "only one" but now have two "only one"s - 17 years apart. I love the relationships I have with both and do give them my all - albeit separately. Singlies definately get the best IMHO

batters · 12/10/2006 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rosie79 · 12/10/2006 23:01

I too have an 'enfant unique' and love it, it's strange how some people assume I won't be stopping at one and sometimes I think it will be nice to have another but mostly I like just having one, and the thought of going through it all again fills me with dread! So another positive for 'onlies'. (Before I had kids I assumed I would have 2 or 3. I come from a family of six!)

Actually my dissertation at uni was on various effects of birth order (I did psychology) and the findings on only children are generally positive and they share most characteristics as oldest children and grow into well adjusted adults who are usually successful in what they do. They often feel that they miss out on the rough and tumble of life that siblings share but this can be overcome with close friends, cousins etc. I'm rambling now, could write an essay on this (...oh, I did already, a ten thousand word one!!)Sorry, it is late.

acnebrideofFrankenstein · 12/10/2006 23:08

chocolatemummy, I could have written your post, but wouldn't have put it so well. Thank you.

handlemecarefully · 12/10/2006 23:09

I totally respect everyone's right to have 0, 1, 2, 3, 4 or more children....

There isn't a right or wrong way...but for me, growing up at home on my own from the age of 6 (when much older sibling left home), I was lonely and bored...and I think it has made me an introspective adult.

However - if my parents had been different people, i.e. more social 'animals', and more proactive about my needs (I was a classic child of the 70's - left to my own devices while mum toiled around the house) things would have been different.

I think onlies can have a wonderful childhood in the right circumstances (with the 'right' parenting)

Hope I'm not misconstrued!

shangrila · 13/10/2006 09:40

I can't tell you how much this thread has helped me.

An only child, I had dreams of 3 or 4. My childhood was happy as happy can be but I worry about where a small family leaves you in the future. I didn't want my little girl to be alone in the world later on. Silly, I know but I keep on coming back to it.

Anyway after three years of pregnancy loss, genetic issues, it looks like she is destined to be an 'enfant unique'. (How I adore that phrase!) I am the only mother I know of an only child and it means the world to me to reach out and hear such lovely, positive tales from other mothers in a similar place.

rosie79 · 13/10/2006 09:46

Spot on handlemecarefully, those are good points you made.

No one should feel guilty for however many children they have, all families are different and there are many factors that affect children when they are growing up more than how many siblings they have or haven't got.

How boring the world would be if all families were alike and demographically the same!

TinyGang · 13/10/2006 09:54

I am an only child - I love the idea that I am an 'enfant unique'.

I had a lovely childhood and am very close to my parents. They had me when they were young and we had lots of fun.

I have three children of my own and (I hope) they're having a lovely childhood too. Different to mine but every family is different. I am all at sea in a big noisy family sometimes and am constantly mystified by the dynamics of it all.

Don't worry about having one - as an 'only' yourself you will know what makes your ds 'tick'.

People always have an 'opinion' about how many children you have. I get it with three sometimes.

mousiemousie · 13/10/2006 10:00

I started a thread like this a while back...take a look

here

TinyGang · 13/10/2006 10:06

Oh dear I posted on that one too...I really must spend less time on here

mumbleslikeazombiechum · 13/10/2006 10:22

Our ds is an only child now, but hasn't always been. Our ds1 was born with a severe brain injury and, after a very happy but very short life, died aged 7 and a half. I frequently get asked if ds is the only one, and I just say yes, because I can't be bothered going through it all with strangers, but sometimes people just can't let it go and insist on asking why! When I tell them they're inevitably embarrassed and shut up.
Although our ds isn't an only child through choice, I try very hard to make sure he isn't lonely. He's 12 now and the house is almost always full of kids. He's very sociable and has lots of friends. He's also, I think, more mature than many of his friends because he also spends quite a lot of time with just dh and myself.
He's a very happy lad and sometimes when I've asked him if he regrets being an only child, he says that he definitely doesn't. I'm the younger by 5 years of two girls and because of the age difference, my sister and I aren't close at all.

batters · 13/10/2006 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTittleMouse · 13/10/2006 15:45

Hi Mumbles,
I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm an only child through bereavement myself and I never know what to say when I'm asked whether I have siblings. I'm glad of the time that I had with him though. Sounds as though you're doing a great job with your DS. My DC (currently in utero still) will probably be an "enfant unique" due to infertility and we want to do exactly the same with her.
Mind you, a large proportion of my friends were "onlys" and they never seemed to have any problems socialising, or anything missing.
Mrs TittleMouse

mumbleslikeazombiechum · 13/10/2006 18:10

Hi Mrs TM
A good friend of mine has a daughter thru IVF, now aged 11 and there won't be any more now. She is an absolute star, very confident socially, a real joy to be with.
Hope everything goes well with your baby.

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