Shouty bitch mum from hell

[JavelinArse]

That's me.

I have two children (10 year old boy and 5 year old boy).

My eldest son is rude, ungrateful, whiney and snarky. This morning upon waking (having a long awaited lie in) the first thing I heard was my eldest snarling 'shut up' to his little brother, I listened for a moment, little brother just making chit chat but nothing annoying or rude but all he gets in return is a shitty attitude from his big brother.

I'm pig fucking sick of the attitude. Yesterday the eldest was allowed to take a toy into school for the last day of term, brought it downstairs but then forgot to pick it up on the way out of the house. Half way to school he realises he has forgotten it, BEGS me to turn back so he can get it... But doing that means that we would be late to school and then I would have been late for work. So I had to say no. Cue crying, throwing himself around, shouting at me that everything is my fault, why didn't I pick the toy up, now he would be the only one in the class without a toy, etc etc.

The final straw was this afternoon, we went for a walk in the park. Youngest son wanted eldest to push him on the roundabout, asked politely.. So my eldest son pushes the roundabout really fast until that the youngest is getting upset and saying he wants to get off. Eldest son walks off and starts to play on the climbing frame, ignoring his little brother and smiling away because he enjoys upsetting him.

I lost it. I shouted, marched home and shouted some more.

I am about to order the 'How to talk so kids will listen' book because I'm clearly doing something very fucking wrong.

How the hell do I get things back on track? I don't want to be a horrible abusive shouty screamy bitch but I don't feel like I can cope with this shit.

Okay so after a lie down in a dark room I now feel slightly calmer.

The.children have worked together to sort out their tea.(left overs from yesterday so no actual cooking involved) and are now playing nicely downstairs

I feel so totally alone with this. I can't talk to anyone in real life about it. How the hell do people cope? It's just about bearable day to day but now and again it just all gets to be too much.

The worst thing is that I know my crap moods rub off onto the children, even if the shouty bitch outbursts aren't frequent (I've shouted maybe twice in the last month, usually deal with thing calmly, through gritted teeth at times though). Any tips, advice, anyone going through/been through similar??

Sorry, I don't have much advise. But you don't sound that bad. Really.

Good idea about the book. I might order it for myself. Don't beat yourself out. You're not abusive. Just a bit shouty. And aren't we all to some extent (I know it's not right, it just happens!).

So, sorry, no advise. But you're not alone. And yes, you're maybe shouty, but you're not a bitch. Just a stressed Mum.

my kids are like this too
esp just before xmas
does my head in

Javelin arse I was just browsing and came across this by accident. It honestly could have been written by me. Have no advice to give at all as I have same problems. My sister took my eldest for one night recently, the peace in the house was unbelievable and I actually got to enjoy the company of my youngest for once. And wasn't constantly worrying for her safety. I dread to think what view of men she will grow up with...

Thanks so much for this honest post, it can't have been easy to write but has made me cry a bit in relief x

Relief I am not the only one, I mean

The book is brilliant. If, and it's not easy but if you can remember the advice in it and more importantly just pause for that minute before you shout and think about what you have learnt from the book, it can work miracles. It's tough, though, I find myself rereading it all the time.

Another good one is "when your kids push your buttons" by Bonnie Harris. It looks more into the reasons why you get wound up by your children so it can be uncomfortable reading sometimes but the idea is that once you understand that, you can then change your reaction to them. "How to talk" is much more practical but they are both useful. The authors of "How to talk" also wrote one on sibling rivalry which I definitely recommend!

Book is ordered!! :-)

So difficult reading parenting books. I feel like I should already automatically know how to discipline the kids. I always thought love would be enough:(

Cauliflower, I know exactly what you mean but honestly, I read these books and realise that the tiniest change in how you say something can make such a massive difference to how that message is interpreted by your children. Really simple changes that make complete sense, you sometimes just need someone objective to point them out. For me, the hard bit is that flashpoint when you react to something they've done; if I can just take a breath and use what I've learnt, it's brilliant but it's so hard to stop for even a few seconds when you're cross!

Yeah it is so difficult! For me it's when he hurts my daughter, my anger is really strong, she's this sweet innocent well meaning little girl and all hell breaks loose if she even wants to look at one of his books...i get that he needs space though. Having said that they are chatting nicely now for a change... Will force myself to read the book!

Cauliflowerfairy I hope you're okay, thank you for sharing. I bought the book yesterday (How to Talk...), is that the one you've ordered too? How old are your children? I grew up as an only child so I don't really know what 'normal' is with regards to sibling relationships and rivalry. My eldest son is horrible to his little brother most of the time and acts as though he really cannot stand him. The other day he had a rant about how much he wished he didn't have a little brother and how rubbish it is having a little brother

Once the books arrive maybe we could talk through things on here Cauli? it can be a massive help to have someone to talk to who is going through something similar. I love being able to come on here and write everything down, just getting the thoughts out of my head can sometimes be quite a relief!

Yesterday was a total disaster but I woke up this morning and my eldest said that he had thought about his behaviour and realised it was not very good and that it was hurtful.

Today has been better, he has been making a real effort to be nice to his little brother and was great while they played football earlier - praising little brother for good kicks and goals etc... This is very very rare so I made sure I praised them both for playing so well together!

YY to thinking love would be enough, I used to think the same. Now most of the time it just feels like the best I can give will never be good enough. Who knew it would be such a constant uphill struggle?!

I feel like I can't even talk about how I feel irl because I CHOSE to have these children, how the hell can I find it so hard to raise them?!

Seagulls I will have a look for the book you suggested, thanks I've also got the sibling book (Siblings Without Rivalry - I think?) on my Amazon wishlist, I've been putting off buying it for a while now but I think it's time to bite the bullet and order it!

Did you ask him why he hates having a little brother? Not when either of you are cross but at another time when it is just the 2 of you...

Praise is good, in another book the rule was 6 praises to 1 telling off, not always easy and it needs to be praise for real achievements.

I also find time away doing my own thing -hairdressers, meal with friends, that sort of thing- make me more patient.

I did ask him when he said it when he was quite cross but we have spoken about it a few times before when both of us have been calm and not cross.

He says his little brother is annoying but I do think there is more to it than that. My youngest son is very confident, a bit of a 'cool kid', he is popular and well like by the adults and children that we know. All of my eldest son's friends used to coo over my youngest when he was little and talk about how cute he was and I think my big one is jealous.

My eldest isn't a 'cool kid' at all, he can be quite awkward socially and has lots of quirky mannerisms. I think it is quite annoying for him to see how popular his little brother is.

I praised my eldest again at bedtime for playing well with his brother today, said how kind and patient he had been with him... nothing OTT but just a little reminder that it was lovely to see them playing so well together.

sigh fingers crossed eh?

Javelin, one thing that worked for me when DS1 was being awful to DS2 was to let him get his feelings out about his brother, without commenting or telling him off. When he said how much he hated him, it was so hard not to say "no you don't, he's your brother, how can you hate him, you love him really" but I resisted and just let him tell me how annoying he was and how he hated that DS2 played with all his toys and copied everything he did. I think just by letting him express that without trying to deny his feelings helped. We then talked about how it was not ok to hurt him, even when he felt he hated him, and that the reason DS2 copied him was that he adored him and looked up to him and wanted to be like him and we decided that although it's kind to share toys, and makes sense as you get double the amount to play with, that if there was ever anything special that he really wanted to keep for himself, that would be allowed, but the same would go for DS2.

It helped. It really did. And that was all from the Siblings without Rivalry book so well worth it!

Hi Javelin - yes ordered 'how ti talk...' V cheap off amazon, would love to chat things through when it arrives. Our situations sound insanely similar the more I read - gives me a lot of comfort to know it isn't just me!! Thanks for starting the thread! I've already tried piling on the praise and he is happy Bout it. My eldest (7) has asd and can be very aggressive, youngest is 2, sociable, friendly, utterly beautiful and magnetic and being younger she does get more attention though he hates attention so don't think he is jealous. Is so hard to talk about this........ Thank you x

Excuse awful typing I can't deal with touch screen phone x

Seagulls that is a good point and one I often forget in the heat of the moment it's so easy just just dismiss their feelings "oh you don't really mean that/you love your brother really, etc" but it is important to give them chance to vent. I'll definitely order the Siblings Without Rivalry book!

Cauli I'll let you know when my book arrives I'm also feeling strangely comforted by the fact I'm not the only one going through this! It seems like there is a similar age gap between our children, it's hard isn't it? I think it's quite an awkward age gap because the eldest one has had mum all themselves for a long time (long enough to be really aware of it) and then suddenly not only do they have to share you but they've also got to have small person trailing round after them all of the time wanting to play with them and all of their toys! I feel so sad for my youngest sometimes, he will just be chatting to his big brother really nicely, just trying to make conversation and he gets told to shut up or my eldest will wind him up until he lashes out and then the eldest can 'tell him off'

I find it so hard to praise him sometimes, when it comes to everyday stuff I used to think "you should just be doing this stuff anyway fgs, why do I need to pile on the praise!!" but it really is so crucial.

We've had a fairly good day today, I made sure I gave my eldest son lots of focused praise "it was lovely to see you sharing your new toy with your little brother today/well done for remembering to put your washing in the basket this evening" etc. He loved it, he was beaming at bedtime!

I find it so hard to praise him sometimes, when it comes to everyday stuff I used to think "you should just be doing this stuff anyway fgs, why do I need to pile on the praise!!" but it really is so crucial.

I've often though that, seeing it written down has made me realise that I sped an awful lot of my day doing everyday stuff that I 'should be doing anyway'...the odd compliment here and there that I receive for a meal that I've cooked or a 'thank you' for a lift is actually similar to praise, it's certainly recognition from the DC's for everyday stuff that I am doing and I like it when they do it.

Children are the same imo, they need the positive stuff recognised, it makes them feel good. I do try and make the praise specific and non patronising and not like the 'good boy! good boy!' you would give to a puppy.

Hope everyone is having a good Christmas, my book arrived today (How to Talk...) I'm planning on making a start on it tonight, I'll report back once I've had a read!

Do! Really interested to hear what you think. Try not to skip the exercises either, it's tempting to miss them out and rush ahead but I think they're useful.