At what age should I have my child overnight?

[Daddie0]

Hi there, would love some advise on my situation...
little about myself and my life...I am a father to 3 children, I have a 6 year old son who stays with me 3 nights a week and a 15 year old son who lives away but stays with me during holidays.

last year I found out I was going to be a dad again from a brief encounter (I know your probably screaming now you really need to keep it in your pants! and your right!) although we both agreed we both didn`t want anything off each other romantically, we talked and I really wanted to be a father to what would be my daughter
we used time before birth to get to know each other a little and most things after the birth in February have been amicable, to begin with I visited few times a week to spend time with my daughter
about 4 months ago she went back to work and we agreed for me to have my daughter two days a week to help out. everything has been going smoothly with that (as smoothly as most parenting a baby does ;)

my daughter is now 9 months and I would like to have her over night, I know she is still young but for me its a big thing in my relationship with my daughter
I understand that its her first child and naturally she will be nervous and I know I cant force the situation
but I do have her 2 days a week (she drops her off at mine in morning at 7 and picks her up at 5 after work) and also about once every few weeks I stay over at hers and do the night feeds and the morning so she can go out

I have tried to talk to her reasonably about it and will do anything that will help the situation. the only reason she has for not letting me is she doesn't feel comfortable yet....which i understand but she seems stuck on the idea that she should stay until after shes a baby perhaps 1 and a half plus? which feels unfair
I don't expect a solution here but would like some parents advise

Does your DDs mum let her sleep out elsewhere?

Asking for a weekend night is a good idea. She may like to come a do the bedtime routine at yours so she knows dd is settledthe first couple of times.

she has taken her to stay at her parents with her a few times

yeah I would expect dry runs and making sure I am doing everything the same as her end...I have been making sure my routines are the same as hers, I even fill in a book for her every day so she knows what her sleep and eating times etc are

I have my 6 year old along with my daughter, I pick him up on sunday night and have him till drop him off at school on wednesday, and now I have daughter on the monday and tuesday, which works out well because I work from wednesday to sunday

fwiw you sound like a really great Dad

I agree with other pp that you sound like a great dad and that you should offer on the nights that you would stay over at hers. See how that goes and see if it could become more regular. She must trust you to have you sleep over in the first place, so give her time. Best of luck.

thanks :) I try my best.....luckily I don't mind hard work lol

I actually think you are being more accomodating and reasonable than you need to be.

You are her parent. You have just as much right to have a secure relationship with her and to decide what way you want to do things. Obviously your DD is the priority so no crazy change in routine, but her mum cant expect to use you as free childcare on her terms only.

I would fear that there will always be a reason why its not the right time. Teething, sleep regression, potty training etc etc.

My ex took my DD1 two nights a seek from 6 months. It was bloody hard to be away from her, and we dont always agree on parenting (or anything really) but he had a right to be her parent. They have a great relationship now as I do with her. She has always felt secure and loved, it just happened to be in two seperate houses.

I think you have a valid need and right to push this. It almost sounds like you are walking on eggshells around the mum.

How about suggesting to the mum that she stays over at yours too the first few times that your daughter stays with you? The same way you stay at hers, but letting you do the care? Might that work?

My daughter has just turned one. At 9 months I wouldn't have been ready for a night apart from her, and I don't think she would, but now at one I'd be far more comfortable with the idea. I think that point is reached differently by everyone, and whilst I agree with others that you sound like a fantastic dad and have every right to build a relationship, I think it is also very worthwhile to be sensitive to relationships and go at a pace that everyone is comfortable with.

i will be honest i have been treading on egg shells a lot
and when i tried to calmly talk about the situation other week she was very defensive over it, and quiet threatening with her language
obviously I want to sort the situation out amicably, what I do worry its like you say there is good time especially as she was using things I had done wrong against me which is unfair...also saying that she should see how I do over the next few months making it seem like a privilege
but I hope this is all emotions that will calm down and I hope using the advise i get on here I can come to some arrangment

The problem is that when you are not in a relationship with the other parent there are some sacrifices that everyone has to make. Its not up to her "to see how you do" because she is already leaving the baby in your care. Your relationship with your daughter is actually none of her business unless there are significant concerns. And if she has significant concerns then why is she leaving her baby with you at any time?

A baby has two parents. Unfortunately for her she does not get the luxury of deciding when shes "ready" for overnight stays. Your right to be a father trumps that.

I agree slice.

This isnt a request to go from nothing to overnights. The baby is there two fulls days which i am assuming includes naps as she is only 9 months old. The baby is used to sleeping there, at her dad's house, on her own with him, her routine is exactly the same as at her mum's house. If the baby wasnt settled there it would be a reason to delay overnights but clearly she is perfectly happy and it is only the mother who is stalling things for some reason. Personally i would really have appreciated my DCs dad having them as babies overnight in his house.

thank you, i do think that I do deserve to have her over night
it is difficult co-parenting though(especially with someone who you didn't know)
so I am going to use all the advise and try to come to some arrangement, things are seeming easier with her mum at mo so hopefully after xmas is over will move towards having her over night

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to add that with my first I found it very hard to 'let her go'- for her to stay in someone else's house, even though they were family. If you can possibly stick it out then maybe just be patient. It does sound like her mum trusts you and that she will eventually let her wee one go just that little bit more. I feel for you and you're obviously a great dad. x

What about if you suggest you have your daughter but let her mum stay over as well for the first couple of times? If it was me that would have helped a lot. I know it's a bit weird, but I was just a bit weird with my first, and letting myself be weird was kind of how I got through it. If she can see that you're trying to sympathise with how she feels it might help things. x

I think you've been very fair. The baby's mum clearly trusts you, or she wouldn't let you stay in her house.

Personally i think she's taking the p* abit.

Your arrangement are about the dc not adults! I wish my Exdp was interested in our dc.