10yo ds prefers his dad to me, feeling hurt

[Ramblingrosies]

I know this will sound petty but I need to let it out.
My ds is 10 and the light of my life, my only child. Me and his dad have been split for over a year now, we share 'custody' half and half all going really well. I've bought Xmas presents with ds, to give to his dad. The other day ds said he has spotted something he wants to buy his dad for Xmas, I explained I've already bought presents that we chose together but he wants to spend his own savings on this present (cost £20) so I said ok that'll be nice. I thought it was a lovely gesture which it is, but I know he hasn't done the same for me. Not that I even want/need a present it's just the thought :(
Then today he comes home from school with lovely handmade card that said to dad inside, he said he could only make one card and he chose dad. I have to admit I did have a couple of tears not in front of him of course and I haven't said anything to him.
I know I am being ridiculous just those little things mean the world when you work your arse off for your dc making sure they have everything.
Sorry just had a bad day!

Bless you, that must be hard to swallow.

But here's what I think is going on. You are 100% "safe" in his mind. Utterly dependable. You will always be there, always love him, he knows this completely. Which is how it should be, of course.

His dad however, no longer lives with him. Sure, he sees him regularly, and he knows he is loved... but he is, ultimately, the number 2 parent. Not such a sure bet, and there is that tiny bit of insecurity there that his dad is not as permanent.

That's why his dad is getting the extra presents and the card. He is trying to ensure he doesn't go anywhere.

He loves you with all his heart OP. And you will always be his number 1.

Don't take it personally - I think boys get to an age where they idolise their dads - I think it's perfectly healthy and normal(presuming that the dad is a good role model). It is hard on the heart though

Thankyou, iwasyoung I think id be ok with it if he only saw his dad at the weekends but it is a 50/50 shared split so he sees us both for same amount of time :(
Yes mitzi his dad is a great role model and a brilliant father in lots of ways. They also have a lot I shared interests and hobbies, thanks both for your words they have helped :)

I'm glad you're feeling slightly better Rambling.

Do you still live in the home your DS grew up in? i.e. did your DP move out? Even with shared custody 50/50, there tends to be a feeling that one person (normally the mother) is the main carer.

I really think that what he is doing smacks of trying to ingratiate himself to his dad, and I can't help but think it's due to insecurity.

Obviously I could be talking total nonsense, as I don't know any of you.

Kids can be so insensitive sometimes though, and it can really feel like a kick in the teeth. He will appreciate you more as he gets older/more aware.

Mine used to start sentences with "at Dads..." and I would feel myself welling up as I took it to be a way of telling me it was better there. Mine is now 20 and tells me that it was always more welcoming here, the food is better here and that this is his real home. We shared care 50/50 and sometimes I would dread hearing the words "at Dads" now I know that what the pps have said is likely to be true- he takes you for granted (not in a bad way) you are the anchor and he may feel less sure of his dad.

Personally, I never did any buying of anything for his father. I would give him some money at xmas to buy stuff but it was a small amount and he would use it for his "other family" (only child at mine, one of four at his dad's).

It is unlikely that he prefers his dad. He might be saying similar stuff to his dad about stuff he wants to get for you too- you dont know and you probably wont ever know. But I would suggest that he adores you and his dad.

kim147 - yes I know, I wasn't talking legally.

I'm talking about how a child feels. A child I know who is in that situation, 50/50 custody with his mum and dad still talks about "I'm staying at Dad's at the weekend" or "I'm coming home on Wednesday" when he's talking about his mum's house.

I agree with everything iwasyoung said. He's more sure of you that's all. Bet he loves you to bits really!