Can't take ds anywhere, can't cope - what can I do?

[cocopop]

I'm posting this after an awful morning, I feel really depressed right now and need some help.

I took ds (18 months) to toddler group today and had a really crap time. He's always fine when we first get there but after settling in he starts climbing on chairs, grabbing at other kids toys and being a complete nightmare. I'm 6 months pg and I just cannot cope with him anymore! Every time I try to lift him (and he is 28lbs!) he squirms so I can't get hold of him, he doesn't listen to me and he thinks it's funny.

As soon as we got home I burst into tears and I really don't think I can face going back there again.

The problem is that we moved to the area at the start of the year and if I don't go to these toddler groups then I don't get out at all because I don't drive and there's nothing else to do around here. I don't know anyone in this area very well and am far away from all my family and friends.

Also, I'm worried that if I can't cope with ds now then what am I going to do when I've got a baby to look after next year as well?!

I have completely lost my confidence with ds, I'm frightened to take him out without dh being around, I just don't know how to manage him anymore. He's normally quite good when we're at home but we can't spend all our time in the house. Any suggestions?

It's really hard isnt it? My dd was like that when i was expecting d2. I could'nt drive either. The only thing i can suggest, without sounding patronising or condescending (is that how you spell it?)is.......remember ...you are the grown up, try not to let him see that his behaviour is affecting you, just praise the positive things. Ignore dissaproving looks from others and try to keep calm. Take it in steps, short outings to begin with.....dont despair, before you know it he will be in nursery and then at school....take deep breaths and try to enjoy..hope this helps

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It goes without saying if you do feel depressed, go see your gp.I did this after dd2 and was diagnosed with PND, not that im suggesting you have PND

I remember 18 months as a really hard time. The memory of a seemingly eternal 4 hour flight with a child who would not sit still, would not wear a seatbelt and just wanted to scream and run around while the stewardess and passengers all frowned at me remains with me still.

It does get better I promise. As they get even a little bit older they get more reasonable and the overexcitable phase settles down. I know its doubly hard when you lack a supporting group of friends and relatives round you.

Two concrete suggestions:

1. if you can afford it put him in nursery part time. Children learn good behaviour very well by emulating others and he will enjoy having friends to play with. It will also give you time to yourself to meet people outside toddler groups and you are going to need time for the baby when it comes. It is better for him to have his own friends and place to go to before the baby comes.

1. He's not too young to learn no is no. Tell him before you go in that if he does X or Y you will go straight home and then do it. Don't discuss just say "I told you if you did X we would go, you did X so we are going". He will be stunned and appalled and will probably scream. Do it anyway and don't try to placate him.

I bet you only have to do it a couple of times before he realises some things cannot be brushed aside.

I had a toddler very like yours but he learnt very quickly that mummy was perfectly prepared to spend only one minute at the park or toddler group if he misbehaved. He's not perfect but bad behaviour can now be quelled with "is it time to go then?"

Good luck

i have two 18 month olds, and they are so difficult at that age, I know how you feel. I really wouldn't worry about the other mums, they have probably seen it all before, and are likely to be sympathetic rather than judgemental. You could go up to one with an older toddler and ask for advice, the mum would be flattered and it would be a great way to start talking to some of them. Mine are little terrors, and I find the only thing that helps is to get out as much as possible, you can't sit indoors with him drving you up the wall.

Go back for the next session - I imagine that everyone there would be supportive.

It's a tricky age. Keep going to the group. I hope you got some time to chat to the other parents there.

Agree with the fact that even at that age they can 'sense' that mummy is pg! Ds1 certainly did.

Also agree that the mums at P&T will know what you are going through so no worries about it! Perhaps, if there is different groups on the same day, try different ones and see which ones are 'better' for your ds.

What helped me is to have a tactic in my mind for each 'misbehaviour'. Eg : ds1 was climbing on a chair. Day no and remove him (No easy when pg I know...). Whatever is works for you but follow it up!

It will get better. That's a promise!

Sorry for you cocopop, I know how you feel, I have twins and I don't go anywhere, cause I just don't cope, I know absolutely nobody, am an older mummy so have nothing in common with other mums, well lets just say, I spend too much time keeping my eye on both of them to actually get to know anybody.

I avoid the places like the plague, don't get me wrong I'd love to go, but the benefits don't outweigh the effort to warrant the need to go!

I am too old and knackered to try any harder, we paint and go on season walks, (splash, snow, windy) etc play games, bake, stick and anything else I can think of, but going out is a nightmare!

So I fully understand and sympathise where you are coming from, but sorry I can't help, perhaps there is someone out there with a solution!

where are you living? I had exactly the same situation, I moved t a new area, had noe family here and hardly any friends and my dd was/still is a real handful, i stopped going to 2 toddler groups because i was embarrassed until I went to one at a community nursery and the staff were fullt trained and very experienced and when she started being aggressive or naughty they would immediately start distracting her and make me fell stupid for for worrying so much. It was the other mums ( or a few of them ) that were the problem not my dd, they don't understand sharing and waiting turns and sitting still during song time and not to hit back if someone hits you, BUT THEY DO UNDERSTAND GOING HOME!

for what it's worth, I found it far harder being pregnant with a baby or toddler in tow than having a new baby with another baby or toddler. even with a newborn I found things far easier to deal with than when pregnant. so don't worry too much about how you'll cope with a new baby and a toddler, it might be easier than now.

and milk the sympathy of the other parents at the toddler group, most people will be quite sympathetic to the pregnant-plus-toddler finding-it-hard-to cope scenario.

poor cocopop, i had ds when dd was 18 months old and although her behaviour hasn't noticably improved (the mother and baby group i go to is trying to find somewhere else to meet as she's impossible to control in the hotel they normally use ) it gets sooooo much easier to deal with when your not big and tired and hormonal

never mind the 'terrible twos'..... i wish someone had warned me about the 'odious ones'!

We've just had our third and I remember in both my last pregnancies going through the 'if I can't cope with 1/2 how will I cope with another'. To be honest, I think it's the natural anxiety that you feel at this stage in your pregnancy that they pick up on, and that makes them misbehave.

You WILL cope with your new baby, I'm absolutely sure!

Crayon

Hi cocopop, feeling any brighter?

I had a really horrible day yesterday and after reading all your comments earlier I felt a lot better so thank you for all the advice.

I thought to myself this morning that I'm not going to let this beat me as it would be so easy to just stay in all the time and make excuses not to go out. So when someone invited us round for a cuppa I went against my better judgement and agreed. To my surprise ds was a little angel the whole time we were there!

I have been feeling depressed recently anyway (but that's a whole other topic!), and I'm sure that ds picks up on this as well as my stress levels when we're out and about. So thank you alcyone, I think I will go to see my GP as it's obviously affecting him more than I realised.

I don't know what I'd do without Mumsnet sometimes!! Thanks again!

I felt just the same when DS was 18 months and I was 7 months pregnant. (And also living in a new area where I knew no-one, and it was very cold- ten below- so even going for a walk was not really an option.) DS was such a livewire, and was going trhough the toy-grabbign stage. By 8 months pregnant I could hardly walk for the pain in my back. Now, though, DS is 2 years 3 months and fo the last 3 months or so he's really so much easier. We can go to a restaurant now and he'll stay more or less in his chair through out the meal (this is AMAZING for us!) and he can occupy himself with books and sticker setc which he was too young to do at 18 months. So just keep getting up in the morning and try to enjoy what's enjoyable and it WILL get easier.
Practical tip: I insisted on getting a double pushchair when DD was born even though DS could walk quite well- it helps to be able to strap down an active child so you can get out and about a bit without worrying about whether he's going to co-operate.

good going cocopop - well done for getting out today with your ds xxx

Oh, I so know what you mean, I fell pg when ms was 13 month, and he is a high spirited, energetic child with a strong wil...but you know, we have had our ups and downs, and we gotten thorugh it! Justt try to be as relaxed as you can be, don't take you child where you are worried, too...sometimes it's just "bad" chemistry....ms, good example, at the loca m& T he was so badly behaved they believed he has behavioural prons (see my thread am feeling smug)....but all it was was high spirits/wrong chemistry and an energetic child...with his better understanding we cope much better now
IT's a phase, there is light at the end of the tunnel....!