Partners ex wife wants access to our child!?! Can I refuse??

[AngelBabyOct05]

Hi,

I have just split with my partner (we weren't married or living together) and we've agreed that he has our daughter (who is 1 yr) Tues and Thurs nights and every other weekend. Access for him I have no issue with.

However......I can't stand his ex-wife as she has caused no end of problems for me but she wants to see my child and he says that when he has my daughter he has every right to take her round there if he wants. He has two children with her BTW.

Do I have a right to refuse that he does this?

His ex is nothing to do with me and my daughter and I don't want her cuddling my baby girl. The woman is poisionus and manipulative and it's destroying me to think I have no say in where my child goes and who she sees when she's not with me.

What can I do? Am I being selfish or over dramatic? He says I am and that I can't tell him not to take her round there.

Please help.

Angel Baby

I would imagine that she has absolutely no rights to see your daughter and if you are uncomfortable with it you can refuse her access. I would see your solicitor though and I am sure that more knowlegeable MNers will be along soon. Good luck. (and no I don't think you are being a drama queen or selfish - if my partner's ex wanted to see our daughter I would tell her where to go).

I feel for you, but I doubt you can do anything to stop him taking your daughter to see his ex wife if that is what he wants to do. If you don't like her then all you can do is say you would prefer him not to do that but you can't control where he takes your daughter when she isn't with you. This might sound harsh but it is his time with her - he can do what he likes! If I were you I would be trying to make sure I got on with him, it will be easier for all three of you in the future. My parents don't communicate with each other at all, I don't recommend it. At least if you are in touch, have an amicable relationship etc you can talk about your daughter, know where he is taking her and sort out problems between you. If you start having rows now you are risking a total communication breakdown.

Callisto,

Thank you! I thought I was being selfish and unreasonable according to my ex!

Imean, you'd think he wouldn't want to spend time with his ex but... She's best friends with his mother and is invited to every family occasion. And get this!!! She cheated on him when they were married and had this other mans child. Now his mother looks after the child so she can work and to top it off, she gave that child my partners surname!!!!! Even our own child doesn't have his name becuase we're not married!

Talk about feet under the table!

In the four years I have been with my ex-partner, not once has she dropped the kids off, made an effort to come in and say hello, has told my ex that I am not to look after her kids when my partner went out etc....

If she had been nice to me even once, rather than blanking me, hanging up if I answered the house phone when I'd stay at his etc I might think, ok she can see my little girl.

But I know what this woman is like. She's now crying to my partner "Why won't she let me see her? Poor me!I just don't understand why we can't all get along!" Urrr, becuase you've been a cow from day one?

Sorry to rant but I'm so confused and angry that she's wanting to see her. She's so manipulative you wouldn't believe. This woman said his children feel pushed out becuase of my daughter and i becuase "Daddy doesn't have much time for them anymore...." Arrgghhhh! She's horrid!

(Thanks for listening!)

x x x x

Callisto obviously thinks differently to me, but I do agree with her, advice from a solicitor would be useful. Maybe someone on here is one and will come along soon......

You're not being selfish or overdramatic, it's very very tough to be in the situation as a parent where you have no authority whatsoever over who your children see or who they are with. But for lone parents, I'm afraid that's the reality of contact arrangements; if you want your DD to have contact with her father, then you are going to have to get used to it, however tough that is.

His ex has no rights whatsoever over your child, but of course he has the right to take his child wherever he chooses (as long as he doesn't endanger her of course). I don't think a court would see it as unreasonable that he wants his daughter to be in the company of her step-siblings, tbh.

I hasten to add that I have zero experience of this situation - never been married or divorced and am with the father of my daughter. It was just my gut instinct. I would say that Petitfilou has a good point that getting on with your ex for the sake of your child but I also think that you have to be comfortable and trust him when he is looking after your dd otherwise the whole visitation thing is going to break down pretty quickly and things could get nasty.

I think a solicitor should be your first stop and have a think about why you don't want your daughter mixing with this woman. For example if you think she may try and turn your daughter against you.

Anyway, don't ever worry about having a rant on here - we all love a good bitch.

I don't see why she's so keen on seeing your dd tbh, unless it's because her own children have got fond of their step-sister and she wants them to have the benefit of that relationship. But it sounds to me like she's deliberately trying to wind you up.

I have no doubt that she felt she didn't want you cuddling her babies either, when they were visiting you, and she's doing this to upset you and get back at you for how she felt when she had to send her children into your home. Sad that an adult should feel the need to behave like this, but you can't do anything about her behaviour, you can only control how you respond to it.

surely this makes your child and his ex,s children half brothers/sisters and so would be nice for them to all get to know each other ?

Poor you - I can see why you feel as you do and I'd be exactly the same. The woman sounds like a real piece of work and seems to have some hold over your ex and his mother. Very clever woman !
I'm not sure what you can do in legal terms. Did your ex agree to this womans wishes that you weren't to look after her child ? If so, then your ex should respect your wishes too.
She does sounds manipulative and I wouldn't want her anywhere near my child either. Why does she want to see your dd anyway ? Seems a bit strange to me.
I do feel for you as once your dd is out of sight with your ex partner you have to trust him to ensure your daughter is happy and ok and that this woman is not manipulating her - is this one of reasons why you don't want her seeing your dd ?.
You said you are happy to allow your ex access etc. (and this is very important for your daughter) but as you aren't married and are the main carer, surely you have more of a right to say where your dd goes, who with and when.
Good luck and stick to your guns.

It's great to get such a variety of opinions. Really makes you think about things from all angles.

x x

I really feel for you. I don't rate my dh's ex either and wouldn't want ds to be in here care BUT ds and my dsd are half siblings (we don't even use the "half" when talking) and their rights really must take precedence. It must be really hard for you and I do sympathise but brothers and sisters have a right to know each other without all the grown ups' stuff getting in the way. Unless you are prepared to have your ex step children over, how will dd know her siblings? Hope you work something out.

Hi Angelbaby. I know exactly where you are coming from. I HATE it when my DS's are with their dad because I despise the people in his life.
But-I'm afraid you are probably just going to have to back down on this one. Unfortunately-whilst your DD is with him he can basically spend that time as he likes as long as it's not damaging to the child.
This is obviously still very new and raw for you but I promise it does get easier. I suspect this woman will get tired of the situation soon enough anyway TBH. It does sound like she's doing it to wind you up. You will learn to relax a bit more when your DD's not with you.
Good luck

Angelbaby - I know exactly where you are coming froom as I have same problem with my soon to be ex-dp's and his ex wife.

Whenever I have seen her she has been nice to me but always looks me up and down like I am a piece of dirt or something. I know she loves my ds but hey, he's not hers and never will be. I know she begged dp for another baby before he left (they have twin dd's together who are now 17) ad he refused as he knew he was leaving her. She obviously resents me for having my ds but tough.

She constantly enquires about our life together like it's any of her business and CONTINUALY goes on about their married life when he was in the Army and she lived in cyprus etc with him. DO I CARE OR WANT TO KNOW?? it really annoys me that she always takes these trips down memory lane every time we see her, she is constantly trying to wind me up.

I may be sad but I actually have it written in my will that should I die whilst my son is young, dp is NOT to ask his ex wife at any time to look after my ds. My parents will have a major say in his upbringing too, which will not include her either.

Sounds pathetic but she has NOTHING to do with my ds and never will. Girls are old enough now to come round here and we pick them up too but am fed up with her sticking her nose into our private lives.

Well, a good nights sleep (well not actually, lots of crying and tossing and turning!) and I've looked at my situation through fresh eyes.

Tonight is the first night of our new arrangement. He'll collect my baby girl and I won't see her until tomorrow evening. My heart feels wrenched in two at the thought of her not being with me tonight. But it's over between her father and I and I have to accept I can't control what happens to her when she's not with me.

Anger has given way to sadness. I'm desperately sad. Is it possible to cry until you have no more tears? My poor eyes this morning look like I've done ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

Every minute of every hour of every day, the more the time ticks on, bit by bit my sadness will be left in the past. That's what I keep telling myself.

Thank you for listening and for taking the time to post replies.

x x

From a legal perspective, if you're not happy about the arrangements for contact, you're perfectly within your rights to refuse contact altogether. He'll then invite you to mediation and if successful, a clause can be written into the memorandum of understanding that your child won't be brought into contact with your xp's xwife. It's not very legally binding, however so the next step, if mediation didn't work, would be to refuse contact and that would, in theory, force your ex to make an application to court for a defined contact order. It's not uncommon for orders to specify people with whom a child is not to be brought into contact, or places where they may not be taken.

All of this is, however, rather draconian and may backfire. Obviously, you do not really want contact to stop, so rather than actually refusing contact outright now, I suggest that you tell him that he may not bring your daughter into contact with his ex and if he won't accept your decision, you'll refuse contact until he agrees to go to mediation.

mumblechum is right about that being rather draconian however. A court will go by what it considers reasonable, rather than how people feel. The current fashion is to deny that people's anger, jealousy, passion, bitterness, etc. etc., should have any weight at all in making decisions. So if it became extremely difficult for your DD to continue her relationship with her step-siblings without seeing their mother too (as they live together) then a court might consider your feelings too much trouble to take into account. They usually only agree on children not being allowed to be brought into contact with specific other people, where there has been a history of violence, or where the other person is peculiarly undesirable or potentially dangerous to a child (for example where drug use, alcoholism, or involvement in crime is a factor).

Sounds like good advice from Mumble. Good luck with it all Angel and we will all be here for you. xx

Caligula, I can see why that might apply to birth relatives or members of an extended family with whom the child has a relationship. But the father's previous wife? Would the court really expect her to have access?

Angelbaby, hope tonight is OK for you. Must be very hard. Personally as a mother and the child of divorced parents I don't think babies or very young children should be away from their mothers but courts seem to be more interested in fathers' 'rights' than the actual welfare of the child.

Hi Edam. It's not that the court would expect her to have access as such, just that they wouldn't feel it necessary to specifically ban her from seeing the child, iyswim, any more than they would make the effort to ban any of the father's friends who the mother doesn't like from seeing the child.

Scarey's right. I should have mentioned in my previous post that the most frequent reason I've come across for those "non contact" clauses has been where there's an alleged paedophile in the family.

AB - if you start seeing someone, your DD will inevitably spend a lot of time with that person and your ex may hate it. If he tried to prevent that contact, how would you react?