advice on dealing with difficult ex please?........

[noideawottoget]

difficult situation.

backstory.

we split up in 2007 when youngest dc was nearly 2. i have two dc's with him and 2 from a previous relationship. we split due to domestic violence, he moved out of my council home and within 3 months was shacked up with someone else, went on to have another child with her, and split up when that child was 3, also due to his domestic violence. when he and i split up, he had destroyed much of my house, all the door, broken a window and done several diy bodges. i had to put them to rights.

my dc's with him are now nearly 10 and 9. for the last year he has been having them overnight on a fairly regular basis, probably 2-3 weekends out of most months. before then it was very sporadic, and despite him living a 10 minute walk from us, he saw them maybe a weekend every month. he has never paid maintenance.

he has a new partner now, she has a child, and they have a baby together. i get on fairly well with her, probably slightly better than i do with him.

recently i moved house, to a more suitable home for my families needs, in the next town over from him, and since then most of the time he has been making demands that because i moved away, i should be the one paying the travel costs for them to go to his house most weekends. he says that its my responsibility because i chose to move away.

i disagree, he should be paying maintenance and we should maybe pay half the travel costs each.

also, i am unhappy with how he takes care of my dc's when they are with him, he refuses to give the eldest the medication for adhd which is prescribed by a paediatric consultant. they often skip meals there, or he fills them up with sweets and pop. he takes the eldest to school on the monday after spending the weekend at his house (he lives closer to the school than i do, we have transport when the dc is with me) and child is frequently late to school. also he often changes his mind about plans with the dc's at the last minute, for example the eldest missed school today because he decided to bring them home last night instead of taking to school today, and by the time i could get in touch with school, the transport people had finished.

i want to talk to him about making sure he gives meds, feeds them properly, clothes them properly (i have to send underwear each weekend which i rarely get back) and recently sent over a load of nightwear as they didnt have any and were wearing dad's t-shirts to bed. i want him to step up and take responsibility properly, to do what needs doing, and stop making a negative impact on my children, but i dont know how. he is still not afraid to use violence to get what he wants, or what he thinks he is entitled to.

so sorry for such an epic post, but i need advice on this. please.

What a horrid situation, Why is he not paying maintenance? Does he pay it for any of his other DC?

Do you have anyone who could be present when you voice your concerns to him, a mediator like a parent or close friend?

he pays maintenance for one of his other children, but does not have contact with her as her mum wont allow it. she is in the fortunate position of having a very well off family who have paid for a good solicitor and contact has been stopped. i dont know all the in's and outs of it though. the other child lives with him, his current partner and her child from her previous relationship. i coul have my partner or my mum there, but to be honest i dont think either of them would stop him trying to use violence although they would protect me if he did. my biggest concern currently is the negative impact he is having on my childrens lives and behaviour through the not giving of meds, favouring the elder child over the younger one, and changing plans at the last minute.

your proposal seems incredibly fair although technically he is correct that normally courts will insist that the parent that moves does the travelling but given he doesn't pay maintenance you have a strong bargaining chip imo

however the behaviour towards the kids you describe is neglect. I would write to him either by recorded post of email and log a copy with your solicitor if you have one, saying something like

dear knobhead Ex

I am writing to outline the care needs for our child and the details of medication that must be administered whilst in your care. ^detail the treatment and meds^

Should you continue to fail to comply with this treatment outlined by his specialist then i will be forced to cease all further contact.

I also have concerns about the further neglect our children suffer when with you as you fail to feed them, clothe them or get them to school on time as per the contact agreement. I am advising you that should this occur at any time in the future then i will be forced to cease contact.

With regards to your insistence that I pay for your travel costs to see our children, i refer you to the fact that you do not pay maintenance towards the upkeep of our children. Whilst ever this remains the case I shall not be funding your travel arrangements. If you should wish to redress this issue and start paying for your children then I will be happy to discuss a 50/50 payment for the cost of the children's travel costs with you.

Regards,

noidea

thanks. i spoke to the new version of the csa yesterday and they said i wouldnt necessarily have to pay the travel costs, but that offering half would be good. i guess i should explain a little more, the ex had an awful upbringing where he was neglected, and abused by his step father. because of this, he seems to think that the world owes him a favour, he will be 30 next year, and has only been able to hold down a job for the last 2 years or so, had a large drug habit (dont know if he still does). i just feel that he unravels all the hard work i put into my dc's, the older child is behaving much better at school since being on the meds, he complains they dont behave at his house, but if he gave the meds it would improve. but they always behave badly for at least the first 24 hours after coming home, they also dont get enough sleep at daddies.

if you aren't sure he isn't still using then I wouldn't be sending them at all!!

I cam sympathise though as dp's exw had a rough upbringing as her mum suffered from severe pnd at a time when electric shock therapy was used as a treatment. her number is very odd (but lovely) and because she was in and out of institutions exw was raised by her emotionally stunted father. as a result she is clueless over certain aspects of parenting and leaves a computer to do most of it when they are with her (she is rp). When the kids talk about all the stuff they have done here she always asks how the hell I get them away from a screen. it's not like we do anything out of the ordinary, we have long walks with the dog, museums, reading books, playing board games, riding bikes etc. like your ex she seems to think it is everyone else's problem to raise her kids.

the meds would be the deal breaker for me though (and we have issues over that with exw) if he won't care for his child by giving him the meds he needs then I wouldn't be allowing overnight access and would consider saying that until he proves himself it is supervised or no access

thats kind of what i want to do, however i dont know how to implement it. his family are rough and know where i live, and i dont want my children or me to be unsafe at home.