Do you think I'm being mean?

[MeganChips]

DD is 11 and loses everything - constantly.

Since she started school we have probably lost 4 items of clothing per half term, she just discards things, it doesn't occur to her to pick them up or put them somewhere sensible. When she looks for them, she gets distracted and just wanders around then eventually tells me they were stolen.

This week she left half her uniform behind after karate club and a new pair of good trousers have vanished. I had a bit of a rant and told her I'm taking the cost out of her pocket money to try and teach her some care and the value of things. She is now in floods of tears.

Unfortunately, I can't even go in to help her look as she is picked up by after school club then taken to another school. Her school is closed by the time I pick her up and not open when I leave for work.

I think I'm doing the right thing but feel hellishly guilty.

I'm with you OP...if she's doing it this often, she may do well by having a bit of a harsh lesson that these things don't buy themselves.

don't get me wrong, I'd feel like shit too but I think it's the right thing

Are her school clothes properly labelled? Does she actually check lost property? I'd be on to the school as well if her stuff is labelled.

Does she have any other issues?

My son's dyspraxic and does this all the time. Is she disorganised and clumsy??

my DD(10) has apparently(!) lost her school jumper and has 'looked everywhere for it mummy!'

I have told her I will replace it this time but if it happens again she will be paying for a replacement out of her pocket money.

Like you, I feel guilty, but my DD has a tendency to lose things too frequently for my liking and needs to know I can't just keep replacing things

DH has gone in this morning to help her look for them. Yes, everything is properly labelled and apparently she has looked in lost property.

Funnily enough she is disorganised and clumsy but her fine motor skills are spot on, she's really good at drawing for example if that makes a difference?

I don't think you are being mean at all. The " deal" I have is that I'll replace anything once then they pay for it after that if lost.

The youngest is 15 and I can't now remember that last lost item, she does have amazing organisational skill and always has though.

I'm in the same position. Dd is 13 and the latest thing to go is her entire PE kit, inc. track suit, trainers, everything.
She's also joining Air Cadets and needs shoes/clothes for this. I'm really tempted to say these should be her Christmas present and I'm having to waste so much money replacing perfectly good items.
She's now down to one school skirt as she 'lost' the other one. How?!?

Dyspraxia can manifest as disorganised and clumsy - plenty of dyspraxics have good fine motor skills. May just be worth having a read up on dyspraxia and seeing if it fits?

I think your right, she needs to learn about the cosy of things and to take better care of her stuff.

I get why you've suggested this, honestly. Ds has lost my coat, his phone, left trainers and PE kit at the school sports centre (which I've had to rescue), left coats in school, left his bag with laptop inside on the bus (which I had to go and rescue), lost bus tickets and his wallet (found in the house thank goodness). It's ridiculous to be honest and I panic when I send him off to school as I never know what he's going to lose, but I know that it's not his fault and it would send his anxiety levels soaring if I made him replace everything that he lost. I know that it's not his fault, and making him replace things would be akin to disciplining a dyslexic child because they couldn't read a difficult word.

I think you need to find an alternative way to get her to remember her things. Train her to put her coat in her bag as soon as she takes it off, or in her locker so she knows where it is. Train her to put her clothes in her bag as she's getting changed before/after PE so they are all together.

I do think it would be wise for you to look into dyspraxia. www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/about-dyspraxia/ Some children don't have their heads on the ground and are half asleep. It's not always anything medical so it may not be this, it would help her to check and see if you can recognise some of these things though.

So, if someone has got dyspraxia, can they not be TAUGHT how to do things/remember things? Or are they, as mooted on here, a lost cause who will never learn?

The dyspraxia is interesting reading actually. She does display some of the symptoms but not that many.

She's clumsy, disorganised, forgetful, has to be pinned down in order to do things like homework. She's scatty with a poor attention span and easily distracted, she's a faffer. She also needed speech therapy at 3.

That said (also going from the list on that site), she does well academically, is excellent at Maths and sport in particular, no co-ordination issues, well, maybe a bit accident prone, and is happy and sociable.

I will try the training to remember, that might help her. And my pocket!

Is there an advantage to a Dyspraxia diagnosis?

It can help for a parent to know that the traits are not the child's fault. The school can put measures in place to support your child and the understanding teachers will be a bit more understanding when she forgets her homework for the 50th time that term. If she needs OT support to help, she can get it (huge waiting list though). It does help a child to know that the accidents/forgetfulness etc are not their fault.

Ds doesn't have all of them either, no child does. Ds does very well academically but struggles with PE as he can't run. His co-ordination isn't bad, he does archery, but if he's distracted or tired, he'll walk into things and off curbs/steps. He's not very sociable to other boys his age but will happily sit and talk to adults. Don't talk about faffing around though. He's already got a phD in this!

You can't train them to remember stuff, but you can come up with coping strategies to help. They are less likely to remember when they are stressed and tired IME.

Thank you, that's food for thought.