Im so fed up of my life...

[DarnItToHell]

This is my first time posting and have just joined MN to do this post.
Basically, Ive had such a hard 3 years and its all just getting too much. I can't cope. I really can't cope anymore.I don't know who to talk to. I have noone. i can't talk to family or friends. God, my eyes are welling up just typing this. i have noone who I can talk to and even if I did there is nothing they could do to help me anyway. i mean Im just telling a stupid computer screen my problems. Thats how crap my life is.

i have 2DCs. One is 3 and the other 2. I had both within 12 months so you can just imagine how hard it was. To make things worse my eldest was a complete and utter nightmare. He just cried or whinged non stop. Believe you me that isn't an exaggeration. He was a miserable baby and I was an even more miserable mum who was expecting baby no.2. I was at my wits end with him. Nothing, nowhere or none could stop his incessant crying. Then came along baby no.2 and oh my god! Did that turn things even more harder. I was literally on my feet all day doing feed after feed and nappy after nappy and all with two crying babies. i was under ALOT of mental stress and was physically and mentally exhausted. Well I don't want to ramble on to much(i think i have!) Basically, fast forward 3 years later and its still the same. Still crying over every little thing, fighting- more crying all day long. No break. no me time, just 24/7 kids slave. From the moment I wake up i deal with the kids till I go to sleep. Im exhausted mentally and my health has been affected and i just can't go on anymore.

Many apologies for it being so long and waffley. You know- I think it has helped a little just typing this up.

You shouldn't put pressure on yourselves to do a big trip every weekend.
Just do a small local trip to the park, woods, swimming. Then give the kids activities at home or let them play.

Maybe your dh can have them for a while and you do something that you want to do or just relax.

Have a look at this website to see if it can help.
www.ahaparenting.com

How are they at bedtime and at night? Are they sleeping well?

Do you have any friends you can go out with for a couple of hrs after the kids are in bed leaving dh with them?

It sounds like the problem is dh, not you or the kids. Why is he horrible to you?

I am sorry you feel so trapped. I felt the same as you and my mood was making everything worse. I saw the GP and was diagnosed as 'low mood'; i think I just needed some personal space, not pills.
I went back to work recently and it helped MASSIVELY. I don't earn much, if anything, as both kids 14m apart are mostly in childcare for 3 days whilst I work. The eldest goes to nursery in the morning which I also pay for.

However, what I missed being a SAHM was being part of a team, belonging to something.

I feel like the tensions and tedium of homelife is diluted so when I have to do it it's not such a chore.

If you could even volunteer in a charity shop for a couple of hours once in a while if the option of finding paid work is too hard, that would help.
Another friend of mine who couldn't work for financial/practical reasons started running and trains regularly whilst putting kids with minders.

I had a talk with my DH and it just ended turning into a bit of an argument and so we didn't really get anywhere.

Just thinking about what would make my life easier I think the main problem is that I get zero time away from the kids. even when DH is home and helps out with them, I'm still with them and still looking after them alongside him if you see what I mean. i need space away from them.

I've had a think and these are things that I think will help that are realistic for us as a family:

• EVERY week half a day away from the kids where DH takes the kids somewhere to MILs or park etc
• I've downloaded a couple of parenting books which may help with strategies to deal with the kids difficult behaviour. Hopefully, they will put a new perspective on how to parent
• youngest will be starting free nursery place after Easter so another 5 months to go yet so both will be in nursery at the same time. I will contact job agencies for part time work as i think this will help me to have a life outside of home and kids stuff
• I have decided not to go to the GP as i don't think i really need antidepressants. I really think changing my life in small ways will make more of a long term difference. I have also downloaded a Mindfulness book which I hope will teach me how to stay more calm
• improve sleeping habits of kids as this causes lack of sleep for me and DH and exasberates my low mood and stress

ok so these are the things which I feel i can start working on straight away (apart from the job thing). i do realise that it will take some time to see the difference. if there is anything else that anyone can add to this?

I will talk to DH again and hopefully come to a more productive discussion

thank you all for your suggestions and comments

I'm glad you have a plan Darnit, this sounds great. Don't let DH off the hook - he needs to understand that while he's working hard at his job, you're working extremely hard at home - probably harder because you never get a break. It's right that you share the load at weekends and take turns to have time to yourself.

Also if he has them on his own for a morning, he'll get some idea of what it's like for you.

Make sure your Iron levels are OK and I highly reccommend a high dose Vitamin D supplement to help with feeling a bit better.

Your plan sounds good, make sure it doesn't slip ( especially the half day off).

wigglybeezer yes I have just started taking 2 sachets of spatone a day.
How much vit d do u suggest?

Feroglobin is good, it is an iron supplement and also contains other vits including Vit D. I've tried them all as I need iron, and this is the best-tasting and easiest to take IME.

I take 1000iu a day but I live I've Scotland and get less sunlight. I find it has helped with mood and aches and pains.

I feel like I'm losing control. I have a beautiful son who was hard fought for using IVF. He is a delight in every way. I live apart from his mother we are a team when it comes to childcare. I have recently been having been having some pretty dark thoughts, exacerbated by the recent double suicide of some long lost friends. I spoke to Samaritans who helped as far as they could. I have noticed that the loving feelings I had for my son have evaporated and I have a terrible urge to leave, pick up sticks and move to another part of the country with no forwarding address. I know this sounds insane, but I have been sober for 10 years and nearly drank last week. Feeling like I'm coming apart a bit. Don't think I'm brave enough to kill myself but could kill all my relationship with family by disappearing. Sorry this is all slightly bonkers.

That sounds awful brightonmatt, sorry to hear that. I think the GP would be a good place to start as there is a lot they can do to help. You should also get good support on here from people who understand how you feel, if you start a new thread in the mental health topic.

BrightonMatt that sounds terrible. I really urge you to visit the doctor and seek some help urgently. I hope you can get out of this soon.
Also, I think you should start a thread on mental health section for some support as a previous poster suggested. It has really helped me starting this thread as it has helped me see that I'm not losing my mind and lots of people understand what you are going through. It really does help to talk to people even if just online.

Miaow

It's nice hearing from people that actually are going through the same as you. I knew it would be physically exhausting but I really wasn't prepared for the pressure it would cause mentally too. I have found it a hard slog since my eldest was born and it is getting easier and I'm almost there with both of them at nursery but just feel I'm running out of a steam.

absolutely get your DH to have a regular slot with them that doesn't involve you. Its good for their relationship and his confidence as a parent as well. Its incredibly important that you have some respite and headspace.

Ok so an update.

It all got a bit too much for me last week and I ended up screaming at the kids and then bursting into tears. My DH came over to offer me a hug but I pushed him away and yelled at him too that he didmt understand what I was going through because if he did, he would help me out a lot more.

We havent been speaking to each other since then. I tried talking to him but he just says ' not now'.

On a good note though, he's been helping with the kids alot more and has been taking them out to MIL in the evenings. I also went to my mums this weekend on my own. This has really helped but I know once everything goes back to normal he will slip back.

I feel like I always need to have a big scream at him then he pulls his weight for a bit albeit in a pissed off way because he's really annoyed at me.

As for my little plan (previous post) that I had Ive not stuck to it at all.

DH hasnt taken kids away do I can get time alone.
I haven't read any of the parenting books I bought.
And I haven't started on sorting out kids sleep issues

So all in all a few rubbish weeks which have climaxed to a miserable family where mum and dad aren't speaking to each other.

You are having an awful time Darn - I don't have much to offer you in the way of advice apart from I understand your frustration, I've only got 1 DC and my husband works away so I constantly let it all get on top of me. I really hope you can find a way to get through this and also find a way to make your husband understand how you feel. Didn't want to read & run - take care.

I'm sorry things are still tough for you.
I'm also going through a tough time with my 1 year old DD. someone mentioned to try contacting your local home start as they maybe able to help out for a few hours a week? Worth a try?
I went back to work to sort myself out.

Can you organise playdates at the weekend or even during the week? so at least you can have a rest... Also having friends with kids around is nice, usually the kids play together and you can have a chat and a cup of tea.
I agree with everyone else, it all becomes much easier once they turn 4. Hang on there.

Can you suggest a deal to your husband? like every sat he gets a lie in and every sun it is your turn?

Just want to update again...

We had a long chat and lots of things came up. DH said that he would take the kids to ILs every evening for an hour and that he would take them away for a couple of hours on the weekend.

I thought he would slip after a couple of weeks which is what usually happens but it hasn't. (Yet!)

Its been a good few weeks now and I haven't had this much time away from the kids in a year never mind a few weeks! God! That sounds awful but I feel sooo much more better. Ive used the time to sort the whole house out which has made me feel better and DH has said its made a difference to him too.

I do feel a bit selfish when I see him doing everything for the DCs but I have to keep reminding myself that I've been doing a lot more for a lot longer and I deserve this help.

So I would just like to thank everyone who commented.

Have just read the full thread and love this update

Darn - I've just read the whole thread and the thing that struck me is how much happier and more positive you sound. :)