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Original poster

scared of hurting dd when I lose my temper

23 replies

crapmummy · 05/10/2006 14:56

I just lost my temper AGAIN with dd aged 2.5. I want to have more patience with her but I just snap. I have never smacked her, but I jerk her or handle her roughly.
I'm scared of losing my temper really with her and hurting her.
My dad used to do this, and hit me round the head. I can see that I have his temper, I don't want to turn into him or have my dd scared of me, as I was of him

She is such a precious, gorgeous little girl and I never want to hurt her. She isn't even being naughty, just a wriggly toddler.

I don't know why I'm posting this, I just need to get it out. I feel like I don't deserve her.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

sleepycat · 05/10/2006 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleepycat · 05/10/2006 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CountessDracula · 05/10/2006 15:04

crapmummy I have inherited my Dad's temper too. I really really have to try hard to keep it at bay.

I once did really snap and screamed at dd I got lots of good advice, will try and find the thread.

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incy · 05/10/2006 15:07

You certainly are not a rubbish mother - you clearly love your little girl - you are just having a hard time atm. Definitely go to a doctor - sounds like you are stressed and they honestly can help in many ways.

mrsflowerpot · 05/10/2006 15:08

OK, first of all you are not a crap mummy and you do deserve her. I think we all know this end of tether feeling - toddlers this age are extremely trying particularly if you are tired yourself.

When you get to breaking point, you put her down somewhere safe and you walk away. It will not hurt her to sit in her cot for 5 minutes while you calm down and make yourself a cup of tea.

(Do you get much time to yourself - and do you get enough sleep? It's hard to keep your perspective if you don't, I think. When ds was this age, dh was working long hours and away overnight a lot, and I did start to feel very overloaded and alone.)

CountessDracula · 05/10/2006 15:08

here we are it was eyedrops related but I had an awful time and since then every time I want to shout at her I count to 10 and think about how I felt then and how upset she was. HTH

(oh shite am blubbing at work now I hope no-one comes over to ask me anything!)

sandyballs · 05/10/2006 15:09

Children do push your buttons in a way that no-one else really does, at least in my experience. I didn't realise I had a temper until my DD's were toddlers .

You aren't a crap mum, it's a familiar feeling to all of us at some point, and it's good that you recognise it and are trying to stop it.

Original poster

crapmummy · 05/10/2006 15:10

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

Yes, I am stressed with work and a bit ill, and I know this happens when I am tired. she has gone out to the playground with dh now (I should be working while they're out). I was trying to put her trousers on and she wouldn't cooperate. I pulled her hard off the bed onto the floor. she looked at me with such a look of shock, disbelief and betrayal.

OP posts:

maggiesmama · 05/10/2006 15:13

oh. dont feel guilty. its good to acknowledge if you feel its getting out of hand, but frankly, we all loose our temper every now and again (i think!) and no-one is ever perfect. the advice about counting to ten and so on is excellent. nothing esp brill to add. just - weve all been there. x

Original poster

crapmummy · 05/10/2006 15:17

Thank you for that thread CD. I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets over-emotional about this!

I used to genuinely feel that my father hated me when I was a small child, I never ever ever want my dd to feel that way. I guess that's why I'm so upset.

Thanks to everyone who said I'm not the only one. It makes me feel a little better.

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 05/10/2006 15:20

You are so not

Also they do get less annoying as they get older!

One thing I also try to do, if I feel myself getting angry is to make a game out of it. eg in your trouser situation today I would tickle her into submission or pretend to be a monster that will eat her trousers unless she puts them on. As soon as she starts giggling it totally reverses my anger iykwim.

doggiesayswoof · 05/10/2006 15:24

Just wanted to empathise a bit - you're not a crap mum (or if you are, so am I!) My dd is 2.3 and I have really lost it with her on occasion. I have grabbed her by the shoulders and absolutely roared in her face (then ended up having to phone in sick to work because I was a blubbering wreck - think I cried for about 3 hours). With me it's always when I'm tired or a bit unwell or got PMT. Go easy on yourself - try and get some time for yourself regularly, even just a nice bath. If dh is around I also sometimes just walk away and ask him to take over - I do the same for him too when he is getting to the end of his rope with her.

CountessDracula · 05/10/2006 15:25

ooh doggie you must read that thread I linked to! Exactly that!

CreepyJess · 05/10/2006 15:25

You are not a Crap Mummy.. because you are here asking for advice and you care. There are mothers who, in full view of the public eye, care not a bit about their treatment of their children, which they probably see as perfectly fine, as they shove and slap and swear at their children for virtually no reason. I see them at the school gates on a regular basis!! (My DD's school is fab but some of the parents are not!)

I doubt there are many mothers on here who could put their hand on their heart and say they have never been the slightest bit rougher than was necessary with their child, even if shunting them out of the way when they are being impossible and won't move, refusing to move/preventing them from whacking a sibling, etc etc.

Being aware that your temper can spiral out of control is the biggest factor in learning to control it. When you feel the urge to get physical with anger, do it.. but not on DD.. quickly take yourself out of the way of her, and go whack a pillow in the bedroom, preferably out of sight of her too. Then take ten deep calming breathes and count them. At the end of that you may well still feel angry or frustrated (that's not a crime! We all feel like that sometimes) but you will be back under control. Take yourself back to DD and do something to divert both of your attention from the nasty moment. If she was being naughty (and this will come; they're all naughty eventually!), talk about it with her and then again, move on.

My kids drive me to distraction sometimes. Dealing with it is something you learn.

CountessDracula · 05/10/2006 15:26

NOW - time for you to change your name as you are obv not a crap mummy!

doggiesayswoof · 05/10/2006 15:35

Wow CountessDracula I've just read your old thread - you sound just like me! More than once I've arrived at work and been in a tear-stained heap at my desk after fun & games with dd. I thought it was just me! I like your idea of making it into a game too. It's amazing how fast the anger goes when this works.

mrsflowerpot · 05/10/2006 15:38

I use the tickling game too - it does really work. I had a brilliant piece of advice from one of ds' nursery teachers once, and it's simply 'make them laugh if you can'. You can nearly always defuse tantrums and fights about non-essential things by making them laugh first - the thing is remembering to do it when you are stressed up to the eyeballs...

mrsflowerpot · 05/10/2006 15:38

and yes - change your name!

notsocrapmummy · 05/10/2006 15:51

I really do feel less crap now....still a little crap though.

Mrsflowerpot, you hit the nail on the head when you said the thing is remembering to do it when you're stressed up to the eyeballs! But next time I get to the rough stage, I will definitely try to remember to remove myself from the situation before the ignition happesn.

Thanks again everyone.

Littlefish · 05/10/2006 15:56

A better name. Well done. There's some really good advice here, and nothing I can add, but just wanted to let you know that you're being supported.

notsocrapmummy · 05/10/2006 16:10

Thanks Littlefish.
I'm trying to get some work done, but sitting here in tears again

crayon · 05/10/2006 16:13

Try hypnotherapy - a friend tried and it really helped her get her emotions in control a bit more.

crayon · 05/10/2006 16:14

Try hypnotherapy - a friend tried and it really helped her get her emotions in control a bit more.

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