Shouted at dd, feel terrible

[whevs]

Just had a fraught end to bathtime- putting dd (4) and ds (2) to bed on my own as dp is out.

Dd is very spirited, often stubborn and with a tendency to ignore us when we ask her to do something/kick off if things don't go her way (please understand, she is wonderful in so many ways, am just giving context of what led up to the shouting).

Most of the time I deal with this pretty well, the occasional raised voice or gritted teeth. But tonight a bathtime battle of wills ended with her grabbing hold of my (long) hair with both hands while I tried to brush her teeth, and pulling it as hard as she could and not letting go.

I screamed OW! (a genuine shock/pain reaction) but then, to my shame, I continued to roar, I mean really roar, at her to never do that again, and to open her mouth so I could brush her teeth. I have never shouted like that before and am horrified with myself. I would be mortified if anyone, even DP, had heard- in fact I know I wouldn't have shouted like that if anyone else was there. And I would have been horrified if DP had shouted at her like that.

I feel wretched. I immediately apologised and explained that it is not OK for me or anyone to shout like that. She seemed alright- but told me that I had frightened her and shouldn't do it again. Part of it was her reflecting back what I had said in my apology. But I'm sure she must have been frightened.

I feel like some horrible domestic abuser, full of remorse and apologies when I have stepped out of line.

What's more we are looking after the class teddy this weekend and she said that he didn't like the shouting either... So she's bound to repeat what happened in class. Am ashamed.

Whevs please go easy on yourself. It is right and normal to feel ashamed but chalk it up to experience and move on. I have had incidents like this with my dd and have tortured myself with guilt over them but this has not helped. You did the right thing and apologised letting your dd know that such explosions are not acceptable. However, I do think kids sometimes need to know that parents have limits too and that even the best parents lose their cool at times. I don't imagine she will be permanently scarred and may even be a little more cautious about harming you in the future.

whevs I don't have any advice as my DS is only 10mo and not at that stage but I read this earlier and thought wiser people might be along.

I just wanted to say don't beat yourself up too bad. You were hurt, reacted in shock to physical pain. You didn't lash out or continue to rage, you saw what you did apologized and spoke to your daughter about it. No one is perfect and I'm sure your daughter is fine. My mum used to scream and rave and hit over much less and I doubt she ever thought to show the remorse you do.

Ooh! Not to say you aren't wise Tantric X-posted!

She is 4 and this is the first time you have shouted like this at her? Give yourself a pat on the back and go easy on yourself. It happens and it feels horrendous, she will forget about it very quickly though.

She hurt you and was misbehaving and you shouted. And......? We all lose our temper sometimes. If that's the worst you've done you're doing better than most! Honestly try and forget it. I'm the most laid back parent in the world and rarely lose my temper (and never smack either) but in that situation I probably would have done exactly the same as you! And you apologised too!

Have a tea and some tv and start again tomorrow. 4 is a very difficult age.... I remember it well!!

It's alright. We all have these moments. You were stressed and then she caused you pain, and you shouted. It's quite a normal reaction really. We're people, not saints.

You apologised and explained, which is the important thing. You've taught her daughter that people do react when they (DC) cause pain, which is something they do need to learn. But also that people have strong emotions and that's normal, but the big and important thing is they admit these feelings and apologise afterwards.

Thanks for your kindness, people.

Don't get me wrong, I have definitely shouted before.... Just not like that, I think it was partly because I was so close to her face (she was on my knee) that made it seem so awful to me.

I really do appreciate the support. Have definitely learned a lesson.... As has she, I think- ie don't hurt people or you may get a shock! (Not that I wanted her to learn it this way)

4 is bloody hard at times- and she can be incredibly challenging, but I wouldn't change her one bit if it meant changing her other quirky, spirited, lively, determined ways which are all part of the same spirit.

Have mopped the kitchen floor, had a cold drink and am watching telly trying to relax and move on...

I think it can be important for children to see that certain actions can elicit strong emotions. Parents who repress everything in front of their children are not modelling the full range of human behaviour and emotions, in my opinion.

I'm impressed that you have got this far without doing it before!