Controlled crying

[Esther80]

Hi there, so I'm starting out on the controlled crying and keen for some advice and some reassurance. I'm currently only using it for nap times as she sleeps well at night. I've been trying since 11am and it's now gone 12 and she is still crying. I've been going in to the room every 10mins and not picking her up just saying Shhhh and putting my hand on her tummy. She's screaming blue murder and I'm finding it very hard. How long do you keep trying for as I feel ready to give up. Thank you.

Yep, another one here who talked and cuddled my child in the night and now he - magically!! - sleeps through. All by himself! And he was far younger than ten when he did so consistently.

The blog seems to assume babies/toddlers are little psychopaths being brought up by wanna-be psychopaths.

I feel so sorry for the children treated like that. Parenting is hard, relentless and you have to put your own wants aside. Your love, warmth and kindness should not be on a timer. There will be some seriously screwed up adults if this is actually a thing.

I did controlled crying at 5.5 months for bedtime only as naps and nighttime wake ups were ok. This was to get away from an extremely strong feeding to sleep association. We did try other methods (rocking to sleep, pick up/put down) and they were much more distressing for him and for us so I think it depends on the baby as to which option is better for your family. The first night he cried for over an hour - I went in after 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes etc, didn't pick him up. Once he'd slept for a bit, then next time he woke up I did pick him up and feed him, then repeated the process. The next night it was much better and since then I've been able to put him down awake and he goes to sleep on his own, so it has made a really big difference and I am sure it was the right option for us. I think it also helped him sleep longer in the night, probably because he found out how to settle himself.

I think he actually needed the longer intervals between going in as he got agitated every time I went in so needed a gap to calm down again and have a chance to go to sleep. When we did pick up/put down I went in every couple of minutes and that really really didn't work (after 75 minutes he was still beside himself - with controlled crying after half an hour there were gaps in the crying).

"and get rid of any negative sleep associations such as rocking or feeding to sleep"

negative?

Naps area constantly changing science ime. DD now won't nap until she has had lunch, no matter how tired she is. If your dc sleeps well at night I would be wary of creating a negative association with the cot for the sake of a nap.

I don't understand why anybody thinks crying is a necessary for getting your child to sleep. They need comfort not to be ignored! I didn't read the blog but sounds like it's advising neglect to be honest. babies cry to communicate their needs. what message does it send them to be ignored?

What's the problem you're trying to fix OP?

IMO (and IME) controlled crying works well if your baby cannot self settle and has got into a habit of waking between sleep cycles and needing you to get them back into the next cycle. (In other words they are not waking due to hunger/pain but simply because they have come into a light sleep, and they want to go back to sleep but don't know how without boob/rocking/dummy).

IME controlled crying will not work if your child is waking for another reason such as hunger, pain, night fears, separation anxiety, too cold, thirsty, developmental leap etc. Or if they are just not tired enough to sleep and want to play. All those issues need different solutions.

duelling

They are negative for some babies. As minipie says, if there is a habit of waking between sleep cycles and needing the same method of getting back to sleep again, that is really not that great for anyone in that family.

There will of course be babies that can be rocked to sleep until they're four years old and co sleep happily with the parents, every baby and family set up is different.

what you mean is that it's negative for the parents, not for the babies.

Well Duelling it's pretty negative for the baby if their parent is too tired to function.

I did controlled crying after I nearly dropped DD down the stairs because I was so tired. I'm pretty sure CC was less bad for her than being dropped down the stairs. After CC I also had much more energy to interact with her, take her out places etc - all benefits for her as well as me.

That said, since the OP's baby sleeps well at night I doubt she's in that territory.

Hmm, no I'll stick to it being negative for the whole family. Babies need sufficient rest to develop and I certainly know that DS was a happier baby when he was well rested. Please don't get me wrong, babies need plenty of comfort and night feeds to a point but I truly do not understand why waking up and needing to be rocked back to sleep every 30 minutes is positive for a baby. I think it is disruptive to the baby as well as the parent.

This is a great book www.mumsnet.com/reviews/books/parenting/14303-healthy-sleep-habits-a-happy-child-a-step-by-step-programme-for-a-good-nights-sleep

" Babies need sufficient rest to develop "

but every baby is different. You said.

Controlled crying didn't help me because they just used to get up and go but this did. It is my experience only but it might be worth a shot. Do you have a spare room with a double bed? Get your child asleep in there while cuddling them or whatever and leave as soon as they have dozed off, if they stir sneak back for a cuddle and then go, it seems to have worked well for me. Don't let them come to your bed - always better to go to them to get them in the habit of sleeping on their own.

I'll go out on a limb here, no human is well rested with being awake and unable to fall back to sleep every 30 minutes - an hour. That is insufficient.

At times my dd has woken every hour to nurse back to sleep. She would be pulled to me half asleep for two mins and then rolled away. Had I not co slept this would have been impossible. Everybody has different limits and a baby with different needs. I am very sensitive to her crying but I have been lucky in that I can indulge her as I have no other children and don't work. I may have to reconsider this babycentric approach and think of the rest of the family when the new baby arrives. I don't think cc is damaging if done humanely and not the 12 hours of detachment advocated in the blog.

vichill co sleeping doesn't work for everyone though. My DD couldn't feed lying down for a long time (due I think to small boobs/undiagnosed tongue tie) and I can't sleep if I have to stay in the same position, it's too uncomfortable.