Baby wont settle for Daddy

[TheGirlAtTheRockShow]

DD is 4 months old, DH has always been a very hands on Dad. He doesn't do many feeds as DD is EBF, but has done occasional bottle feed of expressed milk. He does everything else though.
Trouble is, since he went away for 2 weeks (work - he's military) she now wont settle with him (he got back 2 weeks ago) Its a vicious circle as when she doesn't settle straight away, he gets stressed and tense making DD tense. I try to leave them to it as long as I can as I feel they need to get used to each other again, but equally him getting stressed makes it worse so he hands her back. She either settles immediately or is so worked up it takes me a while to settle her.
Mornings she normally has nappy change, playtime, feed then back to bed. DH had later start so went to get her up when she woke. I left them to it but she screamed the whole time! She was then too worked up to feed for a while. Only just got her settled half an hour after DH left.
How can I help them get used to each other again, so he can settle her when shes tired/bored/upset?

Four months is a tricky time anyway, they become so much more aware of their surroundings and things going on. So I think this is probably entirely normal. Doesn't help your poor dh though!

My Dd went through phases of mummy-only and we just dealt with it by DH doing as much as possible. It was a bit easier as she was formula fed so he could do feeds as well but I think you're doing the right thing. Just persevere.

for what it's worth, she's nearly three now and still has mummy-only and daddy-only phases. It hurts the excluded parent but we try and just ignore it and move on. She's not allowed to choose who puts her to bed etc I think that sets you up for trouble!

Go out a walk or something and leave them alone DP always said he felt more stressed when I was in the house and DS wasn't settling he said it's like when your in a café and your babys screaming and everyone is looking at your he knew I was down stairs listening and ready to jump in to sort it all. Sink or swim works for us.

Go away for the weekend. Or at the least, go out at bed time as kiki suggests. DH will need to learn his own coping and settling techniques. These may be different to yours and DD will need to get used to them. Having you hovering around, albeit downstairs, isn't doing either of them any favours, nor you for that matter.

What you can't see/hear won't stress you out either!

I agree with the other posters, sink or swim! I found it best to get DH to take DS out for a walk or a drive in the car whilst I could have a nap. That way if there was any screaming/crying I'd be oblivious and DH could get on and figure it out without me listening. Plus I always found DS was less likely to cry if out and about!

We've done that, I went out all afternoon and they were fine ( or at least DH told me they were fine, DD was asleep when I got home). I can't just move out though! We need DH to be able to settle her when I am home.

Maybe set up some daddy daughter time with you helping only a little and gradually retreating .

Perhaps make sure he gets her at fun times as well as not so fun times and its just the two if them.

Maybe they could bath together? I know they often suggest that for mums who need extra bonding time with babies.

Then maybe he could learn baby massage? Even if you know how to do it let him learn through reading it for himself so you aren't 'telling him what to do'

Hope this helps.

He has plenty of fun time with her when he's home - like I said, he's a very hands on dad. He doesn't want to bath with her. He tried baby massage once but said it didn't settle her like when I do it so hasn't done it since.

He's out till late tonight at a work do. Maybe I'll suggest he does full bedtime tomorrow.

You being out one afternoon really isn't much OP. But it seems to have worked - baby was sleeping when you got back.

As inconvenient as it sounds, I'd try to either be out every evening at bed time for a week, or go away for a whole weekend and leave the two of them together for some proper bonding without you around.

They'll both be fine. He'll find his own way. May be different to yours, but bringing up an adaptable, easy going baby isn't a bad thing.

I cant go away all weekend - she is exclusively breastfed. She does take the occasional bottle of expressed milk, but I cannot leave her for an entire weekend.

As I said, she can settle for him when I am not here, she needs to settle for him when I am home. I don't jump in and take her off of him. I leave them to it, and he hands her back when he's given up. It's his choice.

Well, you asked for advice. Lots of us seem to be saying the same thing

I asked for advice of how to get baby to settle with dad, you all told me I have to leave. I explained she does when I leave, so need to get her to settle when I am home and still being told to leave. So excuse me if I don't feel the advice is appropriate to my situation.

I think we're all trying to say that in our experience it helped to leave the dad and baby to it on their own and the dad can build his confidence at looking after the baby independently of you and then he should be more confident when you're all together as a family as he knows he can deal with x/y/z situation as he's been there and done it already instead of turning to you straight away.

I think you need to leave them for more than just the odd afternoon or evening, so they can develop their own routine.

You've said you've left them alone but as one off's not as a regular thing which is what people are saying. The more dad and DC are left alone the more confident dad will be, which in turn will make DC happier with him, which in turn means he won't need to pass DC back.

If baby won't settle while you're around, could you leave the house when baby sees, and come back in but stay downstairs, and make it clear to DH he has to persevere as if you're not there?

I’m a father trying to get some advice and there’s probably something in here that could probably really help me but to be honest it’s all so confusing, mainly because you all choose to say things life DD, DH, DS & EBF and expect everyone else to understand, it’s really frustrating, please stop this lazy trend because your actually writing things down that can really help a lot of people but those people don’t understand what your saying, they don’t want to go through the process of registering then asking and feeling stupid for asking and they end up exiting the site to look elsewhere when quite possibly the exact info and advice they needed was right infront of them and they missed it.

If you really want to help people then please don’t use abbreviations

DD - dear daughter

DH - dear husband

DS - dear son

EBF - exclusively breast fed

I’m praying that you’re still on this website! I know this post was 6 years ago now but I am going through EXACTLY what this whole thread is about. I could leave fore a year and they’d form an incredible bond but she’d a) have to be formula fed which is not what I want and b) that’s just f-ing ridiculous!!!! I would LOVE to hear if and how you ever solved this issue?? My DD is 4 months old, partner is incredibly hands on but is so put off of putting her down for sleep or nap times because even when he gets involved she’ll scream and then immediately settle and sleep when handed to me. Makes him feel like a sh** parent and causes so many disputes as he feels I’m always pushing him to try again :( your advice I fee would be better then leave them to it! As that isn’t fair on any party.....

@Lausmith88 How are you getting on? We're having the exact same issues and would be good to know if you found a solution 6 weeks on from your post... Hoping that we don't create a pattern as really want our DS (5 months) to settle for both my partner and my mum, who we are locked down with.... P.S. Can't believe how horrid and unsupportive the others were on this post in 2014.... :-(

I'm having the exact same issue!!! baby is 15 weeks and v alert. Dad has been feeding during the day but baby boy has been starting to get fussy! dad tried to put baby down tonight and he screamed the place down and got himself so worked up! Dad also got worked up and felt like he is failing as he won't settle. tried to explain this is a stage and he needs to do more night feeds but I don't thjnk he quite understands!! How did you all get on? any tips would be great :)

@Lausmith88 @Sweetie82 @Dan37f I'm so grateful to have stumbled across this thread as this is our issue also. 4 month old, exclusively breast fed with the occasional expressed milk bottle before bed, which we'd tried to introduce so that Dad got to do some feeds also. With Dad now back at work and generally things being in a bit of a rush now in the evenings once he's back, it's been a few weeks with me doing all the feeds and bedtimes so he can prep dinner/stuff for the next day. The couple of times Dad has tried now she's not taken the bottle well at all, getting really fussy being held by him and doesn't settle for bed at all.
Predictably, when handed back to me she invariably settles down, which only serves to add to his reasoning that his daughter doesn't want to be with him :'(
She takes the bottle fine with me and loves being with Dad for everything else.
Last night was tough, I'd suggested we try again and I attempted to leave the house. When I came back (only about 10 mins I appreciate but it was already half 8...) she was really worked up and so was he.
I'm starting the odd day at work next month, long days 9-7 and am supposed to have an afternoon tea booked with my hen party girls next week. I now feel super anxious about it.
My next plan is to try and carve out some Dad only time this weekend in the day and take the pressure off bedtime - would love to hear from anyone else as to what helped them?

@Dan37f @PeanutGC @Lausmith88 I’m also grateful to have come across this thread, my 15 week old baby girl will not let her daddy settle her at night time. She’s fine with him during the day, she takes her bottles from him and has no issue having days with him alone. However come night team she refuses to have a bottle from him and screams until he asks me to take over (last night was around 90 mins of constant crying and screaming). Has anyone got any advice on how to help our baby settle with dad during the nighttime routine please?

We are having the exact same problem:( its beginning to cause such a strain, please tell me it gets easier?! Does anybody have any advice on how we can get DD to settle with her daddy..
He refuses after one try as gets too frustrated & I just don't know what else to do.

@SK854, it got a lot easier for us after my partner took time off to spend with our baby. We started off with him sitting next to her talking to her, pushing the pram whilst we were out on walks etc. When we realised she associated me with her last feed in her room, he tried feeding her in the living room in a different environment and she fell for it and has been fine with him feeding her since. A couple of months ago she wouldn’t even go to him, then she would go to him during the day just not nighttime and now she’s fine at any point. How olds your baby? X