how to help an unhappy withdrawn child

[meysey]

I was hoping for a bit of collective Mumsnet wisdom and advice to help with a friend's dilemma.

She is godmother and Aunt to an eight-year-old boy, who is very shy, fearful, withdrawn and seems very unhappy. He doesn't really make eye contact and doesn't seem to like physical contact, but no-one has ever suggested there are any major problems. He is intelligent and does well at school. His parents are aware that he is not like most other children, and are concerned about him, so I don't think the issue is his relationship with my friend. I have met him and it is as if there is a sweet kid trying to get out from under a huge burden of tragedy.

Where does one begin to help a kid who seems so unhappy? What is the first port of call? A child psychologist? Health visitor? My friend wants to help but isn't sure what to do.

Is there anything in his history that could make him be this way?
Any abuse, poor relationships, bullying?

Otherwise he could be a square peg trying to fit in a round hole socially?
Has he school friends? do the school have anything to say about his behaviour or social status at school - does he appear "normal" to them, not just academically but otherwise?
Has the lack of eye contact always been there?
If there is a genuine and long standing lack of affection, then I think a GP/HV might be decent move.
Very hard without more knowledge to know what to suggest

Could he perhaps being bullied?

All or any (or even none)of those things could be the case, which is why it is a bit difficult to be doing this second hand so to speak. But it is great to have some suggestions so soon and I can show them to my friend.

Sorry to hear your friend's nephew seems so unhappy.

When I read your post, my first thought was, is he a Highly Sensitive Child? Check out this .

The trait of acute sensitivity is apparently being increasingly recognised in psychology/psychiatry, and about 15-20% of the human (and horse, mice, dog, etc) population are believed to have it ... including me!

It's essentially, as the name suggests, about having a body and mind that are way more sensitive than average to external (and internal) stimuli: light, sound, colour, texture, smells, people, the things others (and the voice in your own head) say. Common characteristics include weighing people up before diving in socially, analysing and observing, introspection, pronounced empathy and creativity and perceptiveness, higher-than-average intelligence, among others. And all these traits can be, and often are, misread and labelled by others as shyness, social awkwardness, fussiness, difficult behaviour, etc.

When hyper-sensitivity is recognised in an individual, those around them can begin to better understand why they behave as they do, and enjoy the many pluses that come with being this kind of person. If sensitivity is misunderstood, and reacted to brusquely, you can see how some kind of withdrawn, unhappy behaviour may result.

I'd suggest looking into whether or not your friend's nephew seems a Highly Sensitive sort.

Hope this helps.

EBAB

PS A big thread about Highly Sensitive Children got going on Mumsnet earlier this year. I'm crap at finding anything when I search on here, but you might have better luck.

Highly sensitive sounds like a very good area to explore... I know he has been seen to be a fussy child. Thanks for this.