Leaving DS's with Dad

[Ruth2808]

I have to go to a funeral next week where I have to travel quite a distance. Me and my dh have decided for him to stay at home with the 2 ds and me to go with my sis who lives nearby. I am scared though my dh doesn't have a lot of paitience with the boys and can get quite stressed out at them even over little things. I love my dh very much but this is the first time I have left him alone for more than a few hours with the boys. DS1 is 4 and DS2 is 2. I need some advice to try and make this as easy and non stressful for both of us.

would your dh take well to you planning their day?

when i first left ds with dh for a significant amoutn of time i asked him whether he wanted to wing it, or for me to leave him notes about food, sleep, etc. he opted for the latter - it meant i didn't feel so bad about telling him everything - he'd said he'd rather ti be like that. why don't you ask yours?

your dh has never looked after your ds's for more than a few hours?

do you trust him?

doesnt really sound like you do

Not sure I understand why you're so worried. Do you think he can't manage on a practical level, or that he'll lose his temper and hurt them in some way?

If the former, he just needs a bit of guidance, and I mean just a bit. He needs to find his own way of managing which may be different from yours. Make sure he knows where everything is kept, has your emergency contact no, etc.

If the latter, I'm not really sure what to advise. You can't make a naturally impatient person become a calm one, but hopefully by getting to know his sons better, he'll be more understanding of their needs and less likely to blow up. I'm really surprised that for four years, your husband hasn't been alone with his children for more than a couple of hours. I think it's healthy to occasionally go away for a girly weekend and leave the boys to it - in our house that means late nights, unsuitable films, junk food etc, and you know what? I think it's great that they can be lads together without me getting in the way being boring about vegetables etc. Go for it, you may be surprised at how well your husband manages.

Only you know your dh, but my dh and I have agreed that you often get more stressed out when your're not the primary carer but are experiencing the chaos secondhand.

For example, my dh can be quite impatient, but is less so when caring for dd on her own. I work ft and he looks after her during the week, so I completely trust him and he and dd have a great relationship.

However in the evenings and w/e when I kind of take over, he is more likely to get exasperated, stomp about, and get into an argument with me!

I know the funeral is just next week, but could you do a trial run of going out for a whole day before then?

BTW the more I 'suggest' or try to tell him how to do stuff, the more likely he is to explode - far better to find his own way (more interesting for the children too), and let him know that he's doing a great job.

I think your DH needs to be able to spend mor than a couple of hours with his DS. Try and look at it as a positive thing - they may all have a great time get to know each other better.

Perhaps you could suggest some activities for the day, simple things like going to the park, drawing, etc perhaps even lunch/a pizza out as a treat. If your DH has plan for the day it might make it easier to manage.

You never know they all might really enjoy it.

i find my dh gets on better when im not there

you just have to trust him

they are his kids
let him sort it out

what odes he say?
bet he is dpsperat eto be allowed to lok after htem

When I have Left dh alone with them he seems to get more anxious about it than I am. It's not that I don't want to leave him I'm sure he can do it but I want to try and make it easy for him I know it's probably my fault for not leaving him sooner. I think he would benefit from some sort of plan for him he's that sort of bloke.

I'm not surprised he's anxious if he doesn't usually get a chance.

It sounds like you're pretty anxious about it - wanting to plan it for him etc. - and your dh cd be picking up vibes that make him think that you don't think he can cope and that there's something for him to be anxious about - iyswim!

I think Mrs ScareyFish's advice is good - back off, leave him to it, let him make it his time to do what he wants with the kids. Maybe the only thing I'd do is to make sure there is food - i.e. bread, milk, etc. and car has petrol in it

He's far more likely to feel OK to come back to you if he's struggling, than if you interfere too much, plan and almost expect him to fail.

no dont
let him manage
dotn control