Like most am prob writing this as some kind of therapy? I feel like I've been a terrible mother - I know sleep deprivation is not easy but I just dont handle it well! I feel bad cos after being up every hour either for my 4 month old - who is genereally pretty good - or my 3 yr old who wake for wees etc (I am grateful she doesn't wet bed - but its another disruption) - I breastfeed my baby 3 times a night roughly - he wakes around 5.30 for last feed, then it wakes my toddler up who has never slept thru for 3 years she now always comes into my room - I can deal with all that - but last night think i was disturbed every hour then no sleep from about 4am onwards with non stop unsettled baby. I ended up screaming - not really directly at him - just at life, then - like a bloody banshee i was wailing on the stairs while my 3 yr old heard this and she started crying too - at which i felt so bloody crap and no better then a toddler myself - I went into her, told i wasn't angry at her but at my life (!) and tried to calm down. I don't know i jsut look and feel awful - like the walking dead. I shouted at a baby for gods sake.
I'm pathetic. but sometimes so tired i can'yt make sentence and my limbs and joints ache. but i shouldnt scream and wail - my partner - who is rarely here - would prob be horified. now im worried my neighbours thinking the worst and will call servicses!