Bilingual advice please!

[Janicek]

Hi,

I have got a silly question to all of you bringing up your children bilingually:
I am a native German speaker living in the UK, my husband is English and does not understand any German. I want my DS to learn German and try to talk to him in German as often as possible. However, I always feel very awkward speaking German to him in the presence of English speaking mums etc. as I know they don't understand what I am saying. I do not know if it is rude to do this, although I am not talking to them but to my DS? And at the same time I can never have a conversation with my DS and say another person or my husband as you are not supposed to switch between languages. It always feels like I am cancelling myself out.
I hope you understand what I mean.I just feel really uncomfortable about it and this issue has been bothering me for ages. However, I do really want him to learn my language.

Does anyone feel the same or has any advice?

PS: Are there any German mums in the Wimbledon area? I would love to meet someone in the same situ.

Thanks in advance.

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My brother's partner is German and they have had two children here in England. She has always spoken to the children in German as they wanted them to be bilingual and she said it felt 'right'. Understandably, it is her mother tongue after all.

I was interested in the whole bilingual thing and read quite a bit about it when they were expecting their first child. The general consensus seems to be that you need to stick to your language, i.e. only speak in German to your DS. If your DH is around a lot and there are various English friends and family around too (baby groups, etc.) he will be exposed to a lot of English anyhow.

If you talk to your DH and friends in English then he will start to understand (it's ok for him to hear you speak English) but if you talk directly to him, that should be in German.

Children can sometime be a bit behind their monolingual friends with language development until the age of about 5 but then they catch up - apart from the fact they have 2 languages and find it easier to learn more! My nephew is 11 and will take his German GCSE (normally taken at 16) next year. He is also well ahead in French and his English is advanced too!

As well as my sister-in-law I have been around a number of non-English speakers who speak in their own language to their children. It has never bothered me, apart form the fact that I'm jealous I can't do the same.

I found this by Googling German mothers. I don't know how old it is...

"In case you hadn't heard of it, there is a German Playgroup in South Wimbledon. It's for kids from 0 - approx 5. The group meets at St John's Church Hall, High Path SW19 2JY every Thursday from 4 - 6pm."

I'm English, living in Germany with a German dh. dh and I speak German at home, but I always speak English to ds, wherever I am (even with PIL who understand very, very little English, and I do not consider it rude).

I too sometimes feel self-conscious speaking to ds in English with Germans around, but the 'one person one language' approach is really the best way to bring up children bilingually.

Simultaneously addressing ds and others, I might speak German, but if speaking to ds alone it's always English.

HTH

Hi we are italian living in the uk. we speak italian to dc at home. dc go to nursery and are now speaking v. good english. if I'm with an english (good) friend I will speak to them in italian. however, if I'm with someone whom I don't know v. well, I'll speak in english.
agree with foundintranslation "one person one language" approach

My dh & I are both native english speaking but have chosen to send dc to swiss/french school. The children & I flip back & forth from one language to the other (they take the p*ss out of my accent) & in front of my other mummy friends, we speak in English with no self-consciousness. I'm thrilled they already have 2 languages but feel v. strongly that the parents should speak their "mother tongue" to their children for 1st language.

I am spanish and my husband is english and never spoke a word of spanish, but I must say since hearing me and our two dds speak spanish all day he´s definitely getting really good at it! I´ve always spoken spanish to them and my husband always english and now is great to hear our eldest dd (3)keep a conversation with both of us in two languages!

Janicek,

I am in excactly the same position as you - I am also a native German speaker with an English speaking husband. We have two children (4 and 2) and are raising them bilingually, with me only speaking to them in German and dh only in English.

So far it works very well and my 4 year old happily speaks to me in German while going to an English school.

The MOST important thing, in my opinion, is that you address your child ONLY in German so that that becomes the language it 'associates' with you. It is then perfectly ok to speak German to your partner or other English speakers in the presence of your child.

The only exception would be when I address a group of english speaking children including my own - but they happily accept my speaking English to them as a group. But individually I would only speak German to my children.

Over time it has become very normal for me to switch languages a lot at home but I would find it quite 'unnatural' to speak to my own children in what is not my mother tongue (English).

How old is your son? We live near Richmond, so not that far from Wimbledon.

Good luck!!

Hi Janicek, I am a native German, as well as my dh and we are raising our daughter bilingually, dh and the rest of the family speaking German, me speaking English. I think it is important to stick to one language, no matter where you are (except, as said before, when addressing a group of kids or something like this). If you feel better, just translate what you said to your PIL, that's what I do - they don't speak a word, but actually even they are picking up some of the language.... they don't think me rude though, when I don't translate everything, they just think it's a great opportunity for their dgd .
Our dd is now 14 months old and understands both English and German and - though supposed to be "later" in talking than kids with one language - says about 10 - 14 recognizable words, some English, some German. Hope this helps!!

Thank you all for your answers. It is really good to hear how you guys are bringing up your kids bilingualy and the points made are very interesting. It is also reassuring that it is not that difficult as young kids do pick languages up so amazingly quickly. I will stick to the one person-one language method and try to loose my silly selfconciousness about my own language.

After all it is for my DS to learn my and his mother tongue and that is all that is important and as you all agreed it is such a great advantage that it would be a shame not to use it.

However, what do I do about my DH, who really does not understand anything (and does not seem very able with diff. languages anyway, lol)? Could I not talk English at home when we all are together as a family? Or will this be confusing for my DS?

My DS is 12 1/2 months and seems to understand both languages. He babbles A LOT but makes very funny sounds, like he is speaking his own, weird language. I do not know if he is taking in and trying to work out all the different sounds of the German and English language, but he seems to come out with very different sounds compared to other kids. Is this normal?

Annasmami: I live in Worcester Park. Do you go to any German playgroups?

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Use your language to talk to your kids directly - when addressing a group use the group lang. At home at dinner for example use german when talking to kids & dh lang when it's a group conversation.

Janicek - as I said, dh and I speak only German to one another (his English is OK though, but not fluent enough for it to really be a language he and I would converse in) and I speak English to ds. (Also read and sing loads to him in English). Works fine. ds is 16 months and most of the few words he says are actually English (not necess a given as we share the being at home with him - I'm a lecturer and he's a phd student). His passive vocab in both languages is extending all the time and keeps amazing us.

I agree, FIT. By the way, which area in Germany are you in (roughly)?
Janicek, stick to German with ds and English with dh. In a "family" conversation you could use English so both will understand everything. I guess the further on it goes, the more will dh pick up German, at least to the point of understanding, if not talking. Would be neat, wouldn't it? And tbh, German is a tough language, isn't it???

JaniceK, this is a very common feeling amongst bilingual families. I feel the same as you (I'm French living in England). I do the same as pitchounette (joli nom ), I speak to my dd in French regardless of the situation. It is a bit alienating but the benefits outgrow the downsides.
Always speak to your child in German and he'll be truly bilingual.

JaniceK, my dh learned French hearing me talk to our daughter, so there's hope for yours

hi all,
just to say i am french and dh british. dd is 2.5. i speak to hear in french but it does not come naturally to me maybe become i have been living here so long... so i speak to her mainly in french but if we are in front of people who can't understand french i speak english. looking back on it i wish i had stick to the 1 parent 1 language... dd speaks english much better than french. she understands everything but hardly ever speaks. i wish i had not cared about what other people might think but i felt that it was better i speak english to her in front of my dh's family otherwise they would have felt left out or not being able to share / participate. if i ever have another child, i will definitely do the 1 parent 1 language and let my in-laws get used to it! good luck with whatever you decide.

janicek - I am not German but I speak German because I lived in Austria many years ago.

I totally understand your situation. I would like to reassure you that it is NOT rude to speak to your child in your mother tongue. DH and I speak to our 2.3 year old in our mother tongue and have done so since the day he was born, this includes in coffe shops, supermarkets, playgrounds and playgroups.

I do usually explain to people I have just met that I do not speak to my son in English and explain why. I have never ever come across anyone who has said or even suggested that it is rude for me to speak to DS in my mother tongue In fact I find many people very encouraging and they even say they are envious and wished that their parents had spoken to them in their mother tongue so that they could have become bilingual.

It always helps to explain to people you do not know well that you speak to your child in your mother tongue for a reason and say that you hope they are not offended. I think you will find most reasonable people are ok with this !

My son, although born in London and living in London, does not understand me when I speak to him in English. English is not something he hears often, so apart from children's programmes he has no exposure to English at the moment. So there is really no point talking to him in English in public as he won't understand a word I am saying !!

Once he goes to nursery at 3 and then to school, English will take over as his dominant language and then it becomes even more important that DH and I desist from speaking to him in English. This is how bilingualism becomes a success !

Good luck !

Dear Janicek,

I so identify with your situation but have found that as D gets older this is no longer a problem. Family and friends accept the situation and who cares about what STRANGERS think!?
Are you encouraging your DH to learn German at night school etc? If your lo is still small your DH could more or less keep up! As my lo gets older it has really struck home just how much EFFORT it takes to raise a bilingual child and to keep the languages "equal".. will you be taking regular holidays in a German speaking country? Childcare on hoiday in Austria really marked the turning point for my DDs German language development - like a realisation that more than one person speaks German!

Hiya,

I am so glad to have found this thread as we have a three week old and I was already wondering how to approach the situation with me speaking German and dh English. I got a lot of answers, so thank you to everyone.

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Janicek,

We don't go to any German playgroups, but my children go to the German Saturday School (there are about 4-5 in London - we go to the one in Richmond). They also offer German classes for adults and I have managed to persuade dh to attend! So hopefully his German will improve over time and he will understand more of what I speak with the children.

But as has been said before, do not feel embarassed or rude for speaking ONLY in German to your son. It is really important that you don't address him directly in English. Because once he will start English education the English language will dominate anyway (and you may struggle to get him to speak any German!!)

Hope that helps.

Thanks again for all your input, it has been really helpful!