dh disasterous relationship with ds3, feel really down about it, what can I do??

[monkey]

Ds3 is soon to be 3. His 1st year was a dream, he was the quietest, easiest baby imaginable. Then he turned into a toddler and it all went tits up for dh. Basically, dh is constantly too tired, too stressed and too grumpy. He has no patience. Dunno if this has got worse over time, as he wasn't so impatient with ds1 & 2 as toddlers (they're 5 & 7 btw).

But it is horrific and has been for ages between him & ds3. He can be a handful - a determined little boy with 2 big brothers, but certainly nothing extremely bad. Ds3 just wants to be with me, if I'm there and will scream & just repeatedly say "I want mummy, I want mummy I want mummy" if dh tries eg to put him to bed. Dh takes huge offence at this.

If he cries, dh will say something like "Doesn't that 'f*ing' kid ever shut up? If ds3 says " I want xyz" Dh will mutter in a mimicy whiney voice "I want xyz," over and over again. It really breaks my heart how negative he is towards his own son. I've said before that if dh was a boyfriend and not dh & ds's dad I would leave him absolutely for being so bloody horrible to him.

It's reaching breaking point atm because ds3 has started sleeping badly and waking us up (and dh, horror horror) every night & dh is already so stressed and tired, I really think he's starting to really hate him.

It's really breaking my heart. I feel like crying just writing it out. I've tried to encourage them to spend more time together. This morning he sent me a message for the 1st time acknowledging it was a real problem. Don't know whether to be pleased he's realised it or more depressed that the situation is recognised as serious.

You have good reason to be concerned about this. I'm shocked at his response to your ds3's crying. Your dh needs to see a therapist to sort this out ASAP. I agree one should try everything else before separating, but he needs to know that this is totally disruptive to the family and will have to stop one way or the other. How do the other boys react to this? It can't be good for them either.

grumpy old men

i think your dh has done it with the other two and now is board, was ds3 a mistake or was he planned? sorry to be rude and noisy
maybe dh wanted a girl eirther way he is not being a good role model to any of your sons and should stop b4 it damages them
this behaviour is bullying and i think now your dh has understood there is a prob you are half way there
maybe your dh is depressed would he go and see a doctor maybe just to talk

Blimey, your ds is the nearly 3 year old, dh is the adult here. He needs to grow up imo.

Spending time together, just the 2 of them is the way to go here. DS3 is your baby so maybe you don't want to let go? If you do everything for him that's how he wants it to stay maybe.

Dh is only normal to feel hurt/un wanted, I would, realising it needs work is the firdt step. It's not beyond repair I don't think.

It's not surprising that ds doesn't want to be with daddy if he is so horrible to him, but maybe the sleepless nights are escalating the problem.Can you defuse the situation a bit by spending a few nights with ds, so that if he wakes, you can get him back to sleep with the minimum of fuss- dh doesn't get woken, so may be in a better mood in the morning, and dh is consequently a bit nicer to ds3?

Agree your dh is being very childish and agressive but sometimes men are. Not an excuse but it does happen. And I think once you've slipped into a pattern of bad behaviour it's easy to continue - it becomes 'normal' and it takes something to jolt you out of that complacency.

Think it's good news he's realised this is a serious problem. An appointment with your GP or health visitor might be useful in terms of finding out what help dh can get in terms of changing his behaviour and starting to appreciate ds3.

yes, I was going to suggest the 1-1 quality time, too, but in SMALL doses, so they both get some enjoyment out of it, and learn to like each other again.

We went through something similar with dd a while ago- she was misbehaving, dh was losing his temper, she wanted Mummy, dh feeling rejected by his daughter....Dh now does alternate nights reading dd a story- and will read her choice of awful Disney stories (I refuse- they're so badly written)she looks forward to "Daddy's turn" now, and evn turns to him for cuddles when I'm cross with her about something!

I think you've already identified part of the problem if you've said your dh is tired and stressed -why is that and can he and/or you do anything to solve it? He is way too tired if he is taking offence at a three year old not wanting him at bedtime - that is pathetic, as he should know your ds doesn't mean to hurt his feelings. Agree with dmo he's done the toddler stage twice already and is struggling to cope with it a third time. He needs to see how destructive his behaviour is - is there any way you could get him to see a counsellor through your GP? If he's admitted there is a problem you are half way to solving it. Or..... another things springs to mind - does your dh feel like there is no time left for the two of you now you've got three children? He sounds very resentful to me. Whatever, you really need to go out and have a long chat somewhere on your own together.

ds3 was very much planned and wanted. I really wanted a 3rd son, think dh happy about that too, niether of us ever expressed a yearning for a girl. but you'reed right that he is a bit babied & spoilt, I recognise it's happened a bit, even tho I don't want it too, eg he's still in nappies, whereas ds 1 & 2 were both out of nappies day & night by 2 & a half, tho he's still not yet 3, so it's not like he's late or anything. We are going away on Friday, just me & the boys for 2 weeks, as dh will be extra busy at work and the boys have school holidays, so immediate pressure will be off.

I find ds3 tobe very sweet & kind (went to visit our new kitten yesterday & he wanted to kiss it & was so gentle) but if he's crossed (eg by brothers) he can be very loud and stroppy & lash out, but his behaviour I think is very much in the 'normal toddler' scale.

I think dh wants me to offer loads of suggestions to improve it that don't all focus on his behaviour, although he now at last recognises it needs to change, eg explaining to him reasonable expectations of his behaviour, structured activities (he's happy to take them to zoo or museum, but getting out a pot of paint freaks him out).

He might speak to gp at a strech, but an actual therapist, councellor or such would be out of the realms of possibilty, imo.

dmo, i think you're right to say he's done it with ds1 & 2 & now he's had enough, even tho he was very much wanted he's just fed up of little ones and enjoys the 'older child' experience he has with ds1 & finds it just too much. I really wanted a 4th & still do deep down, but seeing how awful he is with ds3 shows me that it would absolutely be a terrible thing & is 100% def. of the cards.

He is also quite stroppy with ds2, but is that he infuriates him & winds him up, not the abject hatred his projects towards ds3. (ok hatred is too strong, but it's feeling bad atm)

btw,. dmo & asked on the other thread - is your mate with the several kids beginning with j in sw london?

another thing, with work he's really busy and about to start an extra busy time, but as it is I'd say he only sees tham for 1 hour at night 3 times a week, at least twice a week he's back too late to see them. weekends are hell, he's tired, stressed, grumpy and snappy the whole time.

Am I the only one who has any sympathy for DH in this. I donot condone his behaviour-but I expect it is devastating for him too that he reacts in this way-and it is healthy that he can see this.
My Dh and I both have extremely stressful jobs and there are times when my patience is at breaking point-especially with Ds who is as willful as you describe your ds3.
Your Dh needs to find some strategy for dealing with his stress.
I find with my Dh that a modicom of sympathy for the stress he is under when he first comes in prevents an escalation of temper.
I really feel for you-as it is distressing for all involved.

hi monkey
no my friend with 7 kids all beginning with j lives in preston
why is there more?

just imagine the post in the morning when they are older to miss j
which one is it for?

Yeah, I know (knew) a family in sw london who had a zillion kids all beginning with J too, how strange.

bump for the evening crowd?

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Could he get a new job that doesn't tire him out and cause him stress?

Monkey, you need to make it clear to your husband that if you have to choose between living with him and taking your son away from a sarcastic bullying c*nt, you will take your sons away. This is not only bad for your ds3, your other ds's are watching and learning that this is how we treat small people who are crying and distressed. We take the piss out of them, shout and swear.

he's looking for a new job. Just went for one, but didn't get it, so I think he's feeling extra down atm, as well as extra stressed. He hasn't seen doc but I will tell him he has to go while I'm away.

Ds3 is now poorly again, so nights more disturbed.

Colditz, I share your setiments a lot of the time, but giving such an ultimatum isn't going to help hi, I need to find contructive ways to change this around. Trouble is, dh often only sees the kids when all 4 of them are at thier tiredest/grumpiest/worst behaviour. I thinkhalf the tme dh doesn't get to even see how sweet, funny, adorable and well behaved our littelest is.

Nothings changed, but dh hardly been here this week, so at least inthatrespect it's been better. I do feel sorry in a way for dh, but it's like a knife in my heart every time he moans about ds3. It's like he hasn't got a positive thing to say about him, and only thinks the worst. very sad.

This 2 week break has at least come at a good time. Thank you very much for your words, it is a comfort at least in this distressing situation. DS3 (when he isn't being a ninja) is totally wonderful.

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ds3 went to cuddle daddy tonight and they shared a really long tight hug. Half way through, ds turned to me and said, "mummy, daddy's being nice!" then went back to his cuddle.