Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

How to punish or not?

25 replies

nilbyname · 21/10/2014 17:58

DS is 5 and Y1, he came home from school all happy and lovely. We did his reading and had a chat about school. He was he usual forthcoming self. It transpires that he lost golden time today and he is to lose more tomorrow. Of course I ask him why and he gets upset and starts saying I will be really cross and he doesn't want to tell me. By this time he is sobbing and saying he is really sorry.

I give him a cuddle and tell him that it is important to tell the truth and even if he thinks we will be cross we need to know.

So he was fighting, and him and 2 others spent the afternoon in the HT office and got a right dressing down. Now he has been dealt with at school and he is very sad and very sorry. I know the boy he fought with and this is the 2nd time this has happened, but the boy in question has a rep for being fighty and rough playing and last week I was in school complaining and the teachers were in agreement about his violence, against DS. From what DS told me, he was defending himself and he got a fright. but this time he fought back.

So how doI deal with this, my gut is telling me that he knows he did the wrong thing, he knows he ought to have walked away. But I think he needs to learn a tough lesson.

Would a letter of apology to the head be about right and then no sweet shop treat on a Friday (our usual treat)?

This is so out of character for my DS I am at a bit of a loss.

OP posts:

GregorSamsa · 21/10/2014 18:09

It's been dealt with at school, I'd leave it. Maybe have a gentle chat at some point about how trying to make sensible decisions.

In general if they do something at school and the school have dealt with it, then it's best to leave it at that. If they do something so heinous that the school need you to take action at home, they will let you know. If you come down too hard, then next time ds will be less likely to tell you what happened.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 21/10/2014 18:13

I agree, it's being dealt with in school. Double punishment is for when the school sanctions aren't working and the child needs a two pronged approach. You're role (imo) is to chat through what he can do next time - and get back on to the school about the situation!

Original poster

nilbyname · 21/10/2014 18:17

gregor Thank you, I am leaning towards a letter and then leaving it. He is so so sad.

OP posts:

inthename · 21/10/2014 18:28

He has been sanctioned at school. No letter etc needed.
Do make an appointment with the class teacher and possibly the head about the aggression, otherwise you'll find yourself sitting there as they talk about their 'zero tolerance to physical contact, even in cases of retaliation' (can you tell my ds has had similar!)
Talk to your ds about making sure he doesn't fight back, finds a teacher, makes sure there are friends around etc and that he has to follow school rules at school, which is why he will be doing the loss of golden time etc.

morethanpotatoprints · 21/10/2014 18:55

I bet the poor child is confused.
I taught mine to fight back and would be emailing the head to complain that my child had been in trouble for defending themselves tbh.
But, school have ridiculous rules that parents are supposed to help their children keep, so you have told him he should have walked away and it has been dealt with in school, he is sorry and upset so no more punishment certainly.

LynetteScavo · 21/10/2014 19:03

I thin the school are already dealing with it, but I'm surprised they haven't informed you.

GregorSamsa · 21/10/2014 19:07

I wouldn't even so the letter, it's just prolonging the agony for him to no real purpose.

They're young, they're impulsive, they have an underdeveloped sense if cause and effect. Making bad decisions is part of growing up, and I the main best handled with a light touch. Once you know they understand they made a mistake, it's best to keep discussion focused on how to make better choices next time. Something along the lines of, 'well that was silly wasn't it, and you know that now. So what do you think you will do differently next time somebody pushes you/calls you a baby/snatches your schoolbag' is likely to be much more more productive than focussing on the mistake he made this time.

Honestly, don't worry, it's a minor blip.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 21/10/2014 19:11

Poor boy, why would you punishing him? What else could he have done, if as seems likely the other boy attacked him.

Original poster

nilbyname · 21/10/2014 19:29

OK, the letter is overkill, but he has written it, and said what he will do in future. Will he look like a suck up if he takes it in?

He is fine now, still a bit shaken but we have spoken about good choices and how to handle himself.

He really is a lovely boy.

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 21/10/2014 19:40

I think the letter is a good gesture. It just shows that he's had a chance to really think thru what happened and what he hopes he will do the next time.
I wouldn't punish anymore than that.
School has dealt with it and it sounds like you wouldn't have known about it if he hadn't told you.

Itsfab · 21/10/2014 19:46

The letter is a ridiculous idea. He did wrong, the school are dealing with it you don't need to punish him any more.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Fine line between sticking up for your self and being as bad as the bully.

WhatTheHeebee · 21/10/2014 19:50

I am also shocked that the school didn't contact you about it. Your poor DS. I can understand the confusion though. Until now we've told DD that if anything ever happens or if anyone hurts her (on purpose) she needs to tell a teacher. But there will need to come a point where I will have to tell DD to stand up for herself, mixed messages or just growing up? I just don't know...

That probably hasn't helped at all, sorry!

FruitCakey · 21/10/2014 20:09

I would only take the letter in if your DS wanted too. I wouldn't make him do it, but if he wanted to, then thats a different story. Let him choose the best option. As others have mentioned, he has been punished at school, I don't believe its necessary to punish him at home too.

I am in agreement that the school should have told you.

morethanpotatoprints · 21/10/2014 20:15

I can't believe he has written a letter. What bloody planet are you on?
He shouldn't even be punished for it.
Can you not see that he is probably being singled out by this boy for bullying. FFs let him stand up for himself, poor child.

starlight1234 · 21/10/2014 20:22

If it happens in school it is for them to deal with unless the school gets in touch with me which becomes my issue.

I think your son probably did completely the right thing and hopefully this boy will leave him alone now

Theselittlelightsofmine · 21/10/2014 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

nilbyname · 21/10/2014 22:15

I'm on the good parenting planet! Honestly shouting at me isn't going to help and at no point have I been cross with or shouted at my ds. But thanks for your input! moreythan

OP posts:

Original poster

nilbyname · 21/10/2014 22:22

But thanks everyone, I do appreciate the advice and have taken it on board. I might bin the letter and look at it as a way of expressing out good intentions.

He really is a lovely kid, but I don't want to be the parent he sees no wrong too.

OP posts:

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 21/10/2014 22:29

My son was beaten around the head with a stick by a smaller (though same age) boy because he had internalised that he had to be gentle with smaller children... I wouldn't tell him not to hit back, my h less punish him for it, now - now I say don't hit first...

leeloo1 · 21/10/2014 22:43

I think if school and home punish (especially if he feels bad already) then little ones can end up feeling irredeemably bad (not saying your ds does & it sounds like you've been cuddly already - but as a general principle...). Could you chat with him and say you understand how hard it must have been for him (so he knows you're on his side even when you don't agree with what he's done), but reiterate what he must do in the future?

I'd also second asking school why you weren't informed & ask that in any future incidences of physical contact you will be.

I wouldn't bin his letter as he's taken the trouble to write it, but I think I would hand deliver it to say that whilst you support the school's decision to punish him, you feel the other boy is being aggressive and you'd like to know they're keeping an eye on it.

QTPie · 21/10/2014 22:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

number2093847 · 24/10/2014 06:34

What about letting him do a drawing/cartoon about what to do next time the other boy starts fighting, then some role play. Make it fun! Prep the teachers/play assistant so they know son has been instructed to go to them

Your boy has already been punished at school and just needs to know how to react correctly next time

Coolas · 24/10/2014 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 24/10/2014 16:09

I think the letter was sweet and it would be nice for the head to see it since he's gone to the trouble of writing it. I'd either take it in for him so it's low key and he doesn't get stick from the other kids about it or ask the head not to mention it publicly etc but it sounds like it's water under the bridge now, and so it should be.

BertieBotts · 24/10/2014 16:10

Oh leeloo's idea to speak to the school when you deliver it is a good one.

Flip