my partner is a mature student & is going out enjoying himself mostnights, whilst I'm here 8 months pregnant with our first child & having to work full time until week 37.

[sallymadge]

my partner is a mature student (aged 35) & is resitting his second yr at uni after already having resat his first year. He is out with his student mates at least 4 times a week & tends to stay out all night, whilst I'm here at home 32 weeks pregnant with our first child & having to work full time in my teaching job until wk 37. When he is at home he can be quite supportive, but he keeps going out still & leaving me on my own. Has anyone experienced a similar situation to this?, is it likely that this will continue once the baby is born? What can I say to him to get him to stay in more? Should I just let him enjoy his last few weeks of freedom?

ask him why he thinks you should support him to go out drinking with his mates ? Do you think the socialising has anything to do with the need for resits ? Sounds like maybe hhis mates are a bad influence.

Guess you need to work out the ground rules now - so that you don't both get upset and angry when you end up nagging that he is not home helping you with his baby !

sympathies to you - I think you are being very tolerant of his carefree lifestyle.

Taking a long term view, my dh was a man who went out most nights for a few hours or more and I remember feeling apprehensive when I was pregnant...then cross because things were slow to change once I had my baby ds... or when ds grew into a toddler even... but slowly as the years went by, dh became more of a homebody, and if he goes out now will visit the pub round the corner for a pint in the evening - and that's fine with me.

But pre children, our lifestyle was not very 'couple -y' I was happy about dh going out to see his friends for a few hours most evenings - I was always invited along but ususally chose not to. Sometimes I dropped by unexpectedly and was always welcomed and sometimes I saw my own friends.

I think you have to ask yourself how you see life after your baby. IME it is difficult to put into action a drastic change of lifestyle overnight, especailly if you have been happy for your dh to go out a lot pre children. But you have got to set limits!

I'd think about getting a babysitter on board soon, just so that you know when you are ready to, you can both go out together. Not having a babysitter to call on and having a husband who may still be eager to go out with his friends sometimes, is not a nice situation to be in. Even if you don't use the babysitter much, knowing you can go out if you want to is really important for your state of mind IMO.

And also make sure from day one, or as soon as possible, that your dh knows how to look after your baby. Leave them together as soon as you can. This is really important - make sure your dh is hands on, has sole responsibility sometimes while you go out.

Being positive about his involvement and responsiblity towards his child is a great, positive way of curbing his going out lifestyle IMO.

I hope this is helpful - I do feel worried on your behalf that your dh has had to resit both years so far of his degree, and you say when he goes out, he stays out all night. It sounds like he has some growing up to do.

sallymadge-MASSIVE sympathies for you,my partner started Uni in 2001 and has just graduated this summer(he is 38 years old)
I have experienced exactly the same as you,hope you can sit down with your partner and talk this through,tell him you NEED him.
I found that things actually got worse with me when ds was born.
Does he have any responsibilities or are you carrying him?

i dont think its right for him to be going out as when the baby is born with all the stress and anxiety that goes with it you will proberbly be squabling a little bit anyway, i think its important for you both to spend quality time together before the baby is born as when the baby arrives you wont have time to even blow your nose

its obvious formt he way you have titled your post that you know this is unacceptable behaviour.

at the moment you willbe feeling very vulnerable - this will continue after the baby is born. dont let your partners twatty behaviour spoil this special time for you - sit down have a talk and discuss expectations.

in your situation i would be fine with him geting shitfaced once either friday or saturday.

snd student or not - if he can manage to go out most nights -w here is be getting the money?

we know the answer dont we - even if its technically his own money - your supporting and enabling this to happen by paying the biills buying food etc - dont you think he should contribute his beer money to the baby and household?

also if he has time to go out everynight - he has time to stack shelves at tesco and bring in an extra 60 - 70 pounds a week.

i think you need to tell him to buck up his fucking ideas becuase hes a selfish cunt.

hope this helps

He is giving me the majority of his student loan, so i can put it in savings to help during the maternity leave, & the intention is that he will take over the baby care, when he has finished his exams in mid may next yr, as I am the main breadwinner & will have to get back to work after 6 mths. However, he says that he can't manage a part time job as well, due to having dyslexia. He always seems to manage to go out though.

I shouldn't be talking about my partner like this but I,m feeling quite isolated at the mo while he's enjoying his social life . Its very weird with him & his mates doing what I was doing 10 yrs ago when I was at uni, but now me & my friends from uni are pregnant & settled & we are only able to see each other a couple of times a month.

Hi Notasheep, my goodness your partner was in uni for a long time, was he a part time student? or did he have to resit? Makes me feel a little better about the prospect of my partner doing a 5 year stint, He'll be in debt to the tune of at least 30 grand by next yr as we'll have to use the loans for nursery fees. I dream of the day when he'll start a proper job. Maybe I should have snared a city banker rather then a bohemian intellectual! Has he got a job now I hope so. How old is your child, how did you manage when he was a student with your small child?

Partner started Uni when dd was 18 months old(2001),one year was a work placement and then final year was part time.
ds arrived in 2004.
It has been very,very difficult,I have supported him for 5 years ,at least he has decent interview for job at Uni on friday( pray he gets it}
sorry i cant give you any fantastic advice-you dont want resentments to build up and eat away at you

Hi again, how did you manage the childcare?, were you working full time when your partner was at uni? fingers crossed that he gets the job!

I worked part time.The childcare was shared by dp and the nursery.
Hardest part was when ds arrived and partner wanted to carry doing all the student stuff-dont know if he will ever grow.
What are your plans for when baby arrives?
Really hope you get enough support

i was a mature student at 30 and i suffer dyslexia, it didnt stop me form getting a parttime job to support myself. i persoanlly think he is being very unfair and if he has resat 2 years then you are in for a long haul. time to tell hime to wind his neck in methinks, though i know its hard. when is was pregant my husband had just come out of the forces and didnt have a job and i had just started employment so was only entitled to maternity allowance. he didnt get himself a job until ds was 10 months old. how we survived i'll never know. didnt seem to bother him about bring a child into a penniless family

Wow that sounds hard, I don't think I should be complaining if you managed on no maternity allowance! Yes I'm trying to encourage him to work 1 day a week at least. I will have to go back to work full time after 6 months as I pay all the bills & mortgage etc & next year we'll use student loans to pay for a nursery. Hopefully it will work out. If only it was like sweden here where you get full pay for about 40 weeks of maternity leave!

remeber to claim for child tax credit and working tax credit. that will help

sallymadge-really hope it works out for you,it didnt for us dp and i have decided to split

IMO you only get to live the carefree student lifestyle if you are actually carefree. Just because he is a student doesn't meen he has to act like an 18 year old. i think his behaviour is immature and selfish. for you

Sally,sounds like a selfish arse.