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Original poster

First time leaving DD - didn't go well.

16 replies

ThisCollie · 20/10/2014 14:42

Please be kind. On Saturday Dp and I went out for our anniversary. I was anxious about it, and didn't want to leave 12 week old DD for the first time but he, my mum and the In laws insisted it was a good time to start as she feeds warmed expressed milk from a bottle confidently. So we left her with the in laws - we were gone for 2 and a half hours, could be back home in 10 mins if needed and she was fed and changed 20 minutes before we left. Before in laws took over, I was probably too thorough and patronising with DD's care, and showed them how to warm the milk, where the nappies were etc, and explained that she would need to settle for sleep in her Moses basket an hour after we'd left.

When we got home LO was very distressed, her face was wet with tears, she was bright red, screaming. Mil was clearly trying to comfort her but wasn't having much luck, and she explained that she'd tried everything - and i was sympathetic and apologetic, babies are hard work etc and asked if she'd fed. Mil said that she had just tried to feed from the fridge without warming the breast milk, and when DD had refused the feed, had poured it down the sink. I also found her nappy was soaking and mil and fil said she hadn't been changed, or gone to sleep since we left as she'd been so into her new toys that they'd brought with them.

Dd was fed, changed and put to bed but for half an hour or so she was gulping and making crying sounds in her sleep.

Seeing DD distressed was heartbreaking and I wonder if I did the right thing leaving her? The in laws seemed so confident and sure of her care, but they didn't listen to me at all regarding feeding (ie warming the milk) and putting her down for sleep and I wonder if I should bring it up with them? Or was I expecting too much of them? I don't want to be too harsh on them when they were just trying to help, and it was probably my fault for leaving her...

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IDontWantToBuildASnowman · 20/10/2014 14:52

Leaving your DD was not a problem, it is important that you can have some down time with your partner, your in-laws not following your instructions was the problem. I am at a loss to understand how any reasonable and caring adults would NOT follow a parents instructions for the care of a small baby, especially with regards feeding approach and times of sleep etc. 12 week old babies are never "into" toys, but overstimulated, tired and hungry babies will of course get very distressed. At this age babies just need their basic needs met to make sure they are clean, fed and can sleep. They met none of these. Did they even seem to understand that attempting to feed fridge cold milk to a 12 week old who is used to breast or warmed expressed milk was clearly going to lead to refusal and then hunger? You should not let this stop you trying again, but I would seriously question using the in-laws again unless you are willing to discuss this openly with them.

DanyStormborn · 20/10/2014 15:48

This wasn't your fault. If you knew your baby would accept a bottle then leaving her for a few hours with a trusted adult at that age is perfectly acceptable.

The error was with you MIL, you left clear and reasonable instructions and she ignored them. Although it is safe to feed milk straight from the fridge a breastfed baby or one used to a warmed bottle is used to fairly warm milk and chilled milk is a bit of a surprise they might not accept. You can overstimulate a baby with toys and that might be part of the reason she got so upset and over-tired especially if you have her in a bit of a routine that she is used to.

I'm thinking your MIL was over-confident and so didn't listen to your instructions properly. She may have learnt her lesson after dealing with a screaming baby for two hours but I would still worry about leaving her with the baby again. Could your mother or somebody else you trust babysit next time? If you do want to use MIL again I would definitely have a chat about what happened this time first.

TheGirlAtTheRockShow · 20/10/2014 16:05

I would be fuming if that was my MIL. She clearly didn't listen to your instructions and thought she knew best - which she obviously didn't. It would be a heck of a long time before I let her look after the baby again.
However, don't let it put you off leaving your DD with someone else you can trust who will follow your instructions.

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Littlef00t · 20/10/2014 16:49

You or DH need to have a debrief with mil. Perhaps next time go out but leave DH and mil so they can do it together?

Not your fault mil didn't listen to your instructions

cadidog · 20/10/2014 20:14

I left my mum with my then 12 week old so my DH and I could go out to dinner. We came back early to an inconsolable baby and my poor mum had done everything right! Next time leave written instructions and don't beat yourself up. Sometimes 12 week olds just cry.

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/10/2014 20:18

This had nothing to do with you daring to leave your baby!!! You had provided everything she needed and instructions and left her in the hands of what you assumed to be capable adults.

The problem is their stupidity not your baby or the age of your baby. And leaving a baby is something that many parents here's to do. You did nothing wrong please don't be put off. Just leave with a trusted friend next time

Ipsumlorem · 21/10/2014 09:31

OP you could be me! We left our 12 week old with the inlaws recently for a couple of hours and FIL rang us an hour after we left to demand we came home as the baby was crying and disturbing his Saturday night.

Turns out they didnt listen to anything we said before we left. DD is mostly breastfed but takes the odd bottle of expressed milk or formula at a push. She will drink breastmilk at room temp but formula has to be warm or she will not accept it.

Inlaws were told this and we even left the little glass premade formula bottles alongside a carton as an emergency backup. Turns out MIL ignored the carton, heated up a glass bottle and, instead of screwing on the sterile teat, tipped the warm formula into a cold bottle I had sterilised which was straight out of the fridge Baby obviously couldnt tell the formula was warm as the bottle was freezing!

We arrived back to be told we are spoiling baby - that's why she cries etc (they dont really get the whole breastfeeding thing or in the case of FIL the 'spending any time with your baby' thing ).

Its quite sad actually as they dont get to see baby regularly and the upshot of this is an upset DH and baby being left with my mum who sees her frequently anyway the next time we go out as we can't trust inlaws not to ring and demand for us to come home unless something is actually wrong

luckiestgirlintheworld · 21/10/2014 11:27

This is such a shame. I really hope it doesn't put you off going out again because that is so important.

Personally, I would leave her with my own mum next time, not my IL, then I wouldn't have any trouble in being firm about following the rules, and I would be able to raise these issues much easier. Not sure what your relationship with your mum is like, but I find it's easier to say 'why didn't you do as I asked?!' to my mum than my MIL.

Not sure I would broach it with your MIL this time. Maybe just next time you leave DD with them, really reiterate your rules, especially the ones they messed up in this time.

Diamondsareagirls · 22/10/2014 07:54

I'm sorry things didn't go well OP. As others have said please try again (with someone else looking after dd) again when you can. You didn't do anything wrong and it's important you get some time off. Your in laws should have listened to your instructions - I think your DH should have a word with them soon about what went wrong.

GingerDoodle · 22/10/2014 09:57

As others have said leaving her was not the problem ... The ib laws were. We choose to leave sd with a friend of a friend when we left her for the first time at that age - as I knew she would do as I asked!

MintSource · 22/10/2014 13:18

Oooh, ThisCollie, your post made me go cold.

I cannot believe that they did not change your DD because she was too busy playing. Sounds like they were the ones too busy playing.

And the feeding thing is just dreadful. Pouring the liquid gold down the sink is adding insult to injury!!

Did they apologise or understand what they had done?

I agree with others that you did absolutely nothing wrong by leaving your DD any I feel sad that they let you all down. Don't let it put you off leaving her with your mum or someone else you trust.

I am just preparing to leave DS for the first time and he will be 12 weeks then. He'll be with my lovely mum. Sadly, my MIL has put me off the idea of leaving him with her as she recently decided to walk round the park with him screaming and did nothing about it other than chuckle and say 'Ooh, hasn't he got a good set of lungs"

stargirl1701 · 22/10/2014 13:26

Oh dear god, OP.

We are leaving DD2 (9 weeks) on Sat night to go out for our anniversary. PILs are babysitting. MIL not a great fan of bf...

divingoffthebalcony · 22/10/2014 21:45

Wow, they screwed up didn't they?

Why on EARTH did they throw the cold milk away after the baby refused it? I take it that was the only milk they had?

Call me harsh, but I would be hesitant to let them babysit again. They didn't have the common sense to feed or change the baby OR listen to your instructions, and they let her get overtired and frantic. Too many basic babycare errors. Nope.

marmaladegranny · 22/10/2014 22:06

As one who is probably nearer the age of you parents and PIL and about to have my first grandchild may I suggest to those of you about to leave your babies with someone other than DH for the first time leave WRITTEN instructions.
You know your babies routines well and the hand over may be a little hurried so verbal instructions are not fully absorbed by minders. A distressed baby can provoke stress in the minder and simple things, like checking for a wet nappy, may be overlooked - after all it could well be a long time since your parents or PIL had soul charge of a newborn.

Iggly · 23/10/2014 09:29

12 weeks is quite early. I know my two wouldn't have countenanced being left at that age. Failing that, better to put baby to bed yourself then go out for a quick local meal. We did that until the DC got older and were happy being put to bed by others.
We also had nice lunches with just us two, which was better than a meal out IMO!

Squeakyheart · 23/10/2014 09:37

My in laws struggled with DD at first as though they have slightly older DGC they seemed to have forgotten everything. They overstimulated her massively and didn't put her down for a nap when she needed it. However she has spent time with them since and as they get to know her better the situation has resolved and there have been no more tears!

Other then last night when as usual they turned up unannounced and DH woke her up from a nap to see them, cue inconsolable baby, he won't be doing that again!

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