Am I being a rubbish mum?

[Starlight9]

I have a (nearly) two year old girl who is an only child.
I have just began a full time degree so she is in nursery four full days a week.. I make sure that the day she isn't home is kept free so that I can spend time with her, and have reduced my mum having her from every weekend to every other weekend so that I can see her then.

So anyway.. OT snapped at her this morning, not nastily but she was throwing a tantrum and he told her off and we all know that never works! His reaction was that I always shout at her??? I don't think I do. I might snap now and again but I'm so exhausted it's unreal, I've taken all extra modules to my degree ones and have three separate voluntary projects that I work with and am doing extra academic certificates and awards etc.. I really am tired. OT doesn't work at the moment but complains constantly that 'he does everything'! So I'm left crying and he has walked off..
Is it wrong to ever snap at your child or do mothers do it sometimes? I thought I would realise if I was shouting too much? I literally am left feeling like utter rubbish now and want to go to bed and cry under my quilt.

Do any of you think I should maybe end my degree and just stay at home with her? I hate the fact she is in nursery and not with me anyway :-(

OT has been like this since I lost a baby at 16 weeks in August which has just left me feeling completely guilty about it as if it was all my fault. Every time I end up breaking down and telling him that I don't want to be with him, he changes (for about three days...) but ends up going back to his horrible, depressive self.

Please help :-( I have nobody to speak to and just need some advice of some sort xx

If OT (what does OT stand for?) isn't working right now, why isn't he looking after your DD?

If OT isn't your DD's Dad, then get rid of him without another thought.

If OT is her Dad, then you need to have a good hard think about whether this situation with him can be resolved or if it's better to separate.

Why is your Mum having DD every other weekend?

You are not being a shit Mum, but some things need to change. Not doing your degree is not one of those things!

Oh and I meant to say - I am very very sorry to hear about the baby you lost :(

There's lots going on here isn't there?

Your degree, the loss of your baby, your relationship and the entirely normal feeling bad about putting your child into nursery. It's a stressful time for you, so first of all - give yourself a break.

Does your university have a counselling service you can refer yourself to? If so, please do this - there might be a short waiting list, but it'll be better than NHS wait times. This might offer you some space to think about what has happened, and how you want to move on.

Are you enjoying your degree? Is it going to improve your future (bit just yours, but your little girl too). Is it worth considering interrupting for a year? Do you need to be doing all that extra stuff right now?

I'm not sure about your relationship - are you happy? Shouting isn't any good, but I'm sure everyone does It sometimes.

Essentially, I think you need to clear yourself some mental space. Can you take yourself off for a couple of hours to have a think?

If OT doesn't work why is she in nursery and at your mums all the time? How is he 'doing everything' if he's not even doing child care?

He sounds like a negative influence at the moment, but could he be down/depressed because he's not achieving anything? Not working not studying and not looking after his child..

You have to admit to yourself that you can't do everything at once. Put the voluntary work on hold and the extra academic awards etc. You can pick them up again in the future. Concentrate on the degree alone for now to give you some free time. (Presume your mum has your daughter at weekends so you can study?)

Oh and ditch the OT.

You don't sound selfish you are building a future for your dd. However why does your dd go to your mums every other weekend ? Surely she should be with you?

Can't you study in the evening?

Ok first off, you probably need to think about time management a bit more and cut back on everything you are doing. Assuming the degree will help your work prospects, that means cutting back on voluntary work and thinking about whether all the extra academic work is really necessary. There's no point doing so much that you're exhausted and can't do any of it very well.

Everybody snaps at their kids sometimes and it doesn't make you a bad mum. But that goes for your partner as well, if this was just a one-off and he is usually lovely, then I don't think you should have gone off on him when you also snap sometimes.

But is he usually lovely? He doesn't work, why isn't he caring for your DD? You say his 'horrible depressive self', is this how he is normally or just since August?

OT has only been this way since the loss of the baby and then losing his job a couple of weeks ago has made everything worse. He doesn't care for my toddler as he was working full time and will now be starting a job in a couple of weeks so we didn't want to take her out of nursery as we had only managed to settle her and them send her back in a couple of weeks.

My mum has always had My daughter on weekends and my daughter squeals with excitement when she collects her so I couldn't stop sending her! She was having her for the full weekend but now has her for one night and day once every fortnight - is that a bad thing? It isn't as if she has her so that I can go out socialising, I spend the time studying (or sometimes sleeping lol).

I have been told so many times to cut down on the voluntary stuff but I have a lot of projects depending on me and in all honesty, staying busy is the only thing that is helping me cope right now. If I have any time free to sit and reflect, I only end up thinking about my miscarriage and crying over it.

My degree is in Science at a Russell Group University and will enable me to have amazing job prospects when completing it.

I'm probably just moaning about a load of stuff that I shouldn't be complaining about.. OT is a great help around the house and does his fair share in terms of looking after our toddler (bathing, feeding, putting her to bed etc) He is just so depressed since we lost the baby and I can't snap him out of it. Seems he takes it all out on me, rather than realising that I feel just as bad about exactly the same thing. Maybe I'm just completely selfish and am thinking about myself and nobody else? I'm so confused at the moment.

And I know they have a counselling service but talking about my little angel is the last thing I want to do, I can't cope with talking through the emotions etc

Thanks again xx

What is OT??

I do study in the evenings. On days that I don't have work/voluntary commitments, wake up at 4:30/5am (with my other half) and spend time with the little one (she wakes up at that times anyway) until maybe 7am and then get us ready and drop her to nursery and go in to university myself to study etc. then I have seminars/lectures and study between them until mid afternoon when me or my other half will Collect my daughter and spend time with her and feed her until she goes to bed (about 7), and then I study for 2/3hours until I give up and go to bed. Thursdays I don't study at all, I take the little one out somewhere.. And the same on weekends unless my mum has her. Sounds like a lot of studying but it is a hard degree x

Sorry I don't agree I have done a degree with a child I studied in the evenings. Many parents study for degrees even PhD,s.
It isn't necessary to send your dd to your mums every other weekend. Read the posts from lone parents who desperately miss their dc because they are away from them at weekends are you are doing this voluntarily.
I am sure she loves grandma but she isn't getting to spend much time with you as it is. ( although for her future benefit)

I think there will come a time when you realise that you need to really consider what losing your baby has meant for you both. You're coping by staying busy and not thinking about it - that sounds like what I would do, so I'm not judging; but it's causing you problems.

If you volunteer for things, then no one has any right to complain if you stop doing them. I realise that you just don't what to, and that you enjoy them, but perhaps you're trying to fit in too much right now?

You're not selfish, you're just trying to keep your head down and keep pushing through - but I suspect that your partner isn't doing the same. You're both coping with something awful, but you're not coping in the same way, or perhaps coping well. Please consider counselling - if I was a benevolent dictator, I think id make it compulsory - it will be tough, but I'm not sure that it will make things any tougher than they are now. You don't have to talk about your baby either - start with the practical things.

Thank you Callamia. That comment honestly meant a lot to me :-) I might look in to it xx

I'm sending my daughter voluntarily? I didn't post on here to be judged by a total stranger who knows nothing about my situation! My daughter has a right to have a relationship with her grandmother, what would the difference be if my daughter's father and I were apart and she visited him? and the fact that I allow her to go does not mean that I do not miss her! I shouldn't even have to explain myself to you. I'm sure this site wasn't founded for mothers to judge eachother.

Star I am bit judging you, you asked if you should give up your degree to spend more time with your dd. Your degree is a necessary sacrifice for both your future and your dd's. However you miss out on time with your dd while she is at your mums. I am not saying it is wrong for her to go to your mums just that that's where the extra time with your dd should come from not from giving up your degree. Your post doesn't make sense, if you miss your dd so much you would give up your dd why would you then send her to your mums? Most grandparents do not have their grandchildren that often , it is it no way the same as her going to her fathers.

Not judging ! Not bit judging!

I am unsure why you commented again. You obviously have some type of issue to judge me and tell me that my daughter shouldn't spend so much time with her grandparents? I know many children who see their grandparents most weekends. My daughter has a strong bond with my mother and the contact does nothing but benefit her. I think maybe you should keep your judgemental comments to yourself unless you fully understand how hard I work and the effort I put in to gaining an education, a career and the every day chores such as ensuring my mortgage is paid etc. you obviously did not attend a Russell Group university if you managed to do all of your studying in the evening alone. Learn to be a little more understanding and considerate of other people's feelings when you comment on here in future. You judgemental words were cruel. Do you feel it necessary to be so negative towards a mother who has experienced what I have recently? I guess being cruel is easy when it's online and anonymous :)