Something's wrong with me- I don't think I love my 3 year old properly

[Alongyear]

I don't know if I'm going to be able to put this into words, but I feel like there's something missing with my feelings for my 3.5 year old DD. I'm worried I'm going to be the type of parent who messes her up.

We had a hard start- she was terribly clingy, didn't eat, didn't sleep. When she was born I never felt love struck and I've always been waiting for it to come, but surely I should feel it by now?

She is generally a good girl- but can be vile to her siblings. She cries and whinges nearly all day long. I know she's only 3 and is trying to communicate, but when she's like this I just want to push her off my lap or push her out of the room. I should naturally want to nurture her- but I don't. I end up shouting at her & getting stroppy. I should be able to control myself!

She also seems so much younger than her peers- can't count, can't recognise letters (I know this is supposed to be normal, but all the other children I know can read basic letters & are starting to write!). I know I should be focussing on her positives and I ways thought people thought their children were great no matter what? Why don't I feel like this about her?

What do I do? Do I fake it until I make it? I just want her to be a happy confident girl, but I'm worried she's not going to get there- because of me.

Oh dear. I think you do love her, otherwise you wouldn't be worrying that you don't. My girl was much the same. The most demanding child in the universe. I would have cheerfully given her away to anyone that wanted her. She is now 25 and she is still demanding and drives me mad, but I love her to distraction. It took a long time and I never felt the overwhelming rush of love that I felt for her sister, but I definitely love them both equally now. She was a slow walker and talker, but has just completed a Masters Degree at Durham University, so there is plenty of time for your little one to catch up. I would suggest faking it for now and it will come. I do appreciate how you feel. No doubt others with more wisdom then me will give better advice, but I do remember feeling the way you feel now and wish I had known then how much I would love her now.

Thank you. It's good to now it's possible to come out the other side.

That's what keeps me going- that hopefully I'll be a better parent when she's older. I worry I've already caused her damage though.

I love both my DDs but I tend to 'like' one of them more than the other. It switched over and then back again, so i guess it was just whichever child was being less difficult and was easier. It did worry me when I seemed fonder of DD2 from birth to the first switch.

It sounds like your DD is causing worry and being harder work. You're allowed to feel 'grrrr' at this. It doesn't mean you love her any less and worrying over it proves the opposite.

If it helps DD1 was a slow learner (with resolvable hearing loss) and is awaits the MN gasps as I admit this a quite ordinary and average child at school in Y1. DD2 is also a late talker at 3.10 is just about coherent in her speech. They were both slow walkers and late to toilet traintoo. It turns out both DH and I were behind the curve on these aspects too. We both have degrees and professional qualifications.

Another vote for Fake It, And don't worry about disliking clingy-whiny child. Most of us do. Try to maintain calm and only occasionally lock yourself in the bathroom to escape

I think we all worry that we're causing some kind of damage to them. And we all do probably.

There's that Philip Larkin poem 'They fuck you up your mum and dad/They may not mean to but they do/They fill you with the faults they had/And add some extra just for you.'

Try not to worry about that because you'll drive yourself batty looking for signs. Focus on giving lots of attention and praise. Fake it if you have to. I spend my dad praising DD for every little thing when really her behaviour lately does not warrant this much praise. But I find something small and praise it on the hope it'll snuff out the bad stuff.

I've worried about the same things. In my case, it appears to be hormonal as it isn't a constant worry and occurs cyclically. Although it doesn't feel like that when I'm in the middle of it.

Thank you. I wish I could lock myself in the bathroom- they'd all be banging down the door!

That poem is very true! Growing up my dad had a very short fuse- I can see him in me so often. I always swore growing up I wouldn't be like my parents- I think I'm now a worse version.

Every night I go to bed with such good intentions for the next day- how I'm going to be calm & fair. But by mid afternoon I've already broken it.

I feel I'm so unfair on her. For example I ask her to be quiet while her sisters are napping (they're younger). Of course she's only 3, so ends up being noisy & waking them up. I should be understanding & let it pass, but it makes me so cross that they've been woken. I then end up telling her off. I just see red. I'm finding I'm grinding my teeth a lot. I want to be fair on her, but in the heat of the moment I can't control myself.

I give her lots of praise too- even for little things. I just feel so bad that in my mind I'm so down on her. Ive always been quite negative about myself, I never thought of end up extending that onto my children.

3 year olds are hard, my dd is 3.8, she's my youngest. They want to do stuff on their own, then they want you, then they want their doll, they they want biscuits, then they want you, then they want what everybody else has and repeat .

It must be hard having basically 3 under 3.5 - you must be bloody knackered . When I'm tired my patience and calm voice is shot to shit.

I don't really have any advice to offer apart from sympathy and understanding but what I will say is that I've 3 kids, they're just normal kids, the older two love school, fly through it, my middle one in particularly is as smart as a whip, none of them were recognising letters or starting to read at 3.5 years. My 3.8 year old can count to 20, although she has invented a new number - eleventeen!. She's at nursery school, the other kids are exactly the same.

Sympathy and understanding here too OP. My dd1 is nearly 3 and I only really feel strong feelings of love for her when she is asleep if she's awake, she's whining or demanding something from me, or messing with the baby. It's depressing and relentless.

I find her much easier when i can give her my undivided attention on something just for her. So I try and find 10 mins a day where it's just us and she can choose what we do. We have a nice time, it's good for us both.

They will grow up and not be so annoying one day

I have a 3.8 yr old and a 1.8yr old and I feel almost out of control all of the time, I find I get so frustrated with them both and end up just losing it and shouting at them all the time, I do praise them when they are good and love them both to bits but can't seem to keep control of my temper a lot of the time :( no advise from me with your situation but reading your post and the responses at least made me realise I'm not totally alone, so just thought it may help others too by writing (my first time on mumsnet!)
I just thought I really was not meant to be a parent and will totally screw my kids up. My youngest has just started to put her finger to her mouth and say sssshhhhh when I shout which both makes me feel guilty and makes me smile a little. Just wish I could not get so wound up so easily as they are both still very young and I should be ENJOYING more moments with them :(

Nothing to add other than you are not alone. My ds are 3.7 and 1.11 and good grief they are hard work right now. My Mum died just less than a month ago so I'm dealing (badly) with that too I know but I totally identify with best of intentions for the next day and ending up shouty Mummy again by lunchtime.
The only solution I can see is that I need there to be 2 of me - no help at all, sorry xx

It seems that feeling this way is more common than I thought.

alwayswashing sorry to hear you've lost your mum. That must be very hard to cope with. I think we should be kinder to ourselves and maybe less guilt= more calmness.

I had a much better day today (although DH was home). I switched off when she was whinging and she seemed a bit happier too. Let's hope I can keep it up in the week.

Good luck to everyone else too x