I can't cope with my dcs

[TychosNose]

Please can someone tell me what to do?

I'm a the end of my tether. Ds, 8 months, never sleeps for more than 2 hour stretches, and usually wakes every hour through the night. Dd, 4.3, has just started school and I have lost my lovely little girl and gained a very tired and grumpy and seemingly unhappy child.

Every day is such a struggle. I just sit around crying whilst dd watches TV and ds crawls around grizzling.

Dh is very stressed at work and I hardly see him any more. So he's not really helping but there's nothing he can do anyway short of quitting his job!

How are we going to get through this? I'm doing a shit job of raising my dcs. I feel so guilty. It's like our house is our little private hell, with the 3 of us trapped in a living nightmare. I know I have to do something about this but I don't know what.

Thank you for reading.

I promise you it gets better. Promise.

Can you put DS in nursery for even just a couple of half days so you can go home and sleep?

That would be great but we can't afford it.

I know it will get better eventually, but I'm scared of all the damage done in the meantime.

Firstly, don't feel guilty. You sound overwhelmed and if your not getting proper sleep this is likely to be a huge factor in that.

Do you have any real life support? Could you talk to your health visitor or GP? I was referred to a sleep person by my HV as I was so sleep deprived it made even very small tasks feel insurmountable. Also, if there is a chance you have PND there are a range of ways your GP could help.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It will get easier as your elder DC adjusts to school and your baby starts sleeping in longer stretches. Do seek some support though, it sounds like you're having a really tough time.

There are some places, will require some looking, that take children for much cheaper than a 'normal' nursery. My DD used to go to one which was, I think, £3.50 for an afternoon. It was only about 2-3 hours, but thats something!

Would you be willing to try controlled crying with your little one? Assuming there is no medical problem/reason why he is waking so much. I know it's not for everyone so just a suggestion but I think lack of sleep is really the main problem here.
The tiredness after school thing is totally normal and will pass very soon.

Thank you all for you replies.

I will look into cheaper nurseries - I didn't realise some were that cheap.

I probably am depressed. I've been on mood stabilisers or ads pretty much my whole adult life.

I've seen my gp. There's nothing more they can offer. Same with Hv. She basically told me to leave ds to cry. I just can't do that. I also don't believe it would work.

Who else can I ask for support?

I don't agree with CC I have to say. Baby groups can be quite good as there are lots of stimuli for the child and you can have a cuppa and some adult conversation.

I'm not sure who else you can ask. Do you have any family local?

If you wanted to you can self refer to home start. It is a charity providing all kinds of support to families with children under 5.
There are volunteers who can visit once a week and sit with the children, they also run free crèches.

I do have family locally but they're not really prepared to help. Always busy with their own lives.

I do go to a baby group but I just find it frustrating because ds is so tired and grizzly that I spend the whole time trying to sooth him with no real chance to chat.

I will look into home start. I've never heard of them. Thank you.

I have been there. DS1 was a horrendously moody baby but at least he slept well at night. When DS2 arrived, DS1 was 4 and just started school. It was so hard trying to fit everything in, listen to him read, sort breakfast, school run etc etc whilst DS2 howled and screamed. He never bloody slept either and required a whole lot of rocking and cuddling just to get him to sleep for just half an hour. Then he always woke up screaming and grizzling again. The horrible personal hell the three of us were trapped in was just horrendous. I'd stare out the window watching passers by achingly just wishing and praying I could switch places with them. Just needing to be out of the house and not being able to get out or do anything. It was just so miserable and DS2 woke up every hour and half at night til he was 9 months old. DH worked 12 hour shifts I was just so isolated.

He eventually learned to sleep for longer. He eventually learned to walk and talk and stopped grizzling. He became a wonderfully chatty, still demanding but happy little boy. DS1 eventually got used to full time school and his tiredness and attitude improved. They began playing together and stopped crying and whinging endlessly.

It happened so slowly I almost wasn't aware of it getting better but believe me it will get better.

Now DS1 is 7 and DS2 is just about to turn 3. They are amazing and just lovely (most of the time!!!) but I do sympathise. It is hell on earth being alone with them when they are tiny and no one tells you quite how hard and mind-numbing it really is.

Thank you for your story, princess
Good to hear that you've come out the other side.

How did you manage to get through it? Any advice? How did you get ds2 to sleep?

I'm sorry it sounds like your GP and HV have not been able to help. Home start mentioned up thread would be definitely worth an ask. I think you can self refer?

I don't feel comfortable with CC but would never judge anyone for doing it. With my DS I had got into a habit of letting him fall asleep on me and then transferring to his cot. Things are easier since I started giving him his bedtime bottle in his cot, then would just lie him down every time he stands up. Eventually he gives in and goes to sleep!

Soon your 8 month old will be a year, then 18 months and it just gets easier. Right now you are in the thick of it. Be kind to yourself, get your DH to give you a long lie in every single weekend. Do whatever you can to catch up on sleep. If your GP unsupportive perhaps go back and see someone different? There is help out there just not always easy to access it.

Another one whose babies woke every hour or two during the night, and who had the same age gap as you. Sending loads of sympathy. Starting school does make them very tired and grumpy. I found that carbohydrates - a jam sandwich at the school gates then a crumpet when we got home - helped a lot with the after school grumps.

I so remember the horror of being trapped in with a grizzly baby too. If your dh is home by 8pm, I found going to bed very early (ie 8pm) once or twice a week can be a big help - you may fit in 4 hours sleep before midnight if you are lucky. If you can fit in a sleep during your dss morning nap every day, that can help too.

Best of luck. They do sleep better once they are walking and running around. Balloons are fantastic (and cheap) for indoor entertainment, and so is playdough for the older one, if you want a break from TV for her.

I found that it helped to break up the day into 45 minute slots: 45 mins balloon chasing, 45 mins walk around the block, 45 mins (or 90 mins? snooze), 45 mins snacktime combined with TV, another 45 mins freshair, 45 mins playdough etc. That way you don't have to get through a whole day, just the next 45 mins. Oh, and if you run out off activities, a bath is a great way to pass 45 mins - anytime, day or night!

Best of luck