help! my DS 5yrs just backchats constantly feel powerless atm

[ChoochiWoo]

Im aware my OP probably seems melodramatic but its just relentless, if i threaten and carry out its a relentless 'no you're naughty' he has mild ASD so parents of ASD children will know it adds a certain level of intensity to it, I have another DS 1 yrs to contend with so it enormous pressure on a daily basis, I am partially worried i will loose it and give him a good slap ...any advice much appreciated.

Sorry I don't know the implications of ASD, but we have just come out the other end of this phase. The two things that worked for us was telling him that we would ignore him when he back chatted and his must do as he was told. Also, if he continued he would have to stay in his room for 15minutes. Basically, we were not going to discuss things further. The endless moaning and back chatting was sole destroying. We have been consistent with this approach, it has took a month and he has turned into a happier chap. I have a lot more grey hair, but feel calmer also.

When DS is in school try to take some time for yourself (not so easy with a 1yr old) in prep for dealing with DS when he comes home. Putting him in his bedroom also helped everyone calm down. I also got your a naughty, mean mummy and I'm going to tell daddy / teacher you are mean to me.

Fingers crossed it is just a phase!

It's really hard but you have to disengage. We have occasional help from an ABA person and she's worked very hard with us on this. As parents we're kind of programmed to believe we need to have the last word, and we don't. We just need to issue the instruction and walk away. If the child won't comply then broken record sometimes works (just unemotionally repeating the request - do NOT get drawn into a conversation though!)

Now DS is older I can say: I'm not interested in discussing this. Please do X within the next 5 minutes or Y will happen (natural consequence) and then walk away. but he will sometimes follow me

Do you give him warnings for transitions? Essentially it's the fact that his plans/routines/what he'd arranged with himself has been broken into by your commands. So pre-warning can help.

Also a timetable - so this morning (we're on half term) I said, you can minecraft till 1030 then you need to have a shower. Of course at 1030 he wanted to keep minecrafting, but I was able to say 'oh, but it's 1030, we said that was shower time, didn't we?' and his innate desire to follow timetable/routine won over.

It is really, really hard work though.

Thanks for the replies yes i have often wondered how long this phases takes, better buckle down for more greys, i think his DF struggles with it more than us, views it as disrespect , which i suppose it is,

*more than me

If he has ASD it's not disrespect - it doesn't help to think of ASD-driven behaviours in terms of NT cheek/disrespect etc, because it escalates the situation and doesn't help the anyone solve the problem. Disrespect is a completely alien concept to an ASD child (as is respect!).

It's much more likely to be a very powerful desire to stay in control and on his own agenda, which he can't manage yet.

No i totally agree Lonny its hard to explain that to people with out feeling like you're 'making excuses' for him. I definitely think it must be its correlated with starting school