I despair of my Ds - help, need tips

[voluptuagoodshag]

Nothing is ever simple. Would just mope about watching TV or playing on a screen if I left him to it. I try to get him to do different things and he puts up such a mopey fight. Moan moan moan. His default position for anything is no.
We go out for a short family walk (yes I know no kids want to walk) and he holds his head complaining about a headache, honestly you'd think he was having a seizure. As soon as I hold his hand, his headache miraculously disappears. He tells me he wants to dress as slenderman for Halloween. Fine I say, you've got everything except the face mask and black jacket. Let's go into town and see what we can find in a charity shop and we can buy a pair of cheap white tights. No, a hissy fit ensues and another moany whinge about the suit being rubbish and just buy one off Internet. Erm no chance at £20 for a morph suit. I explained that's not what Halloween is about.
Trying to tick all boxes on a school holiday, we go to collect their gran and go on a day out to a local wildlife park. He can't even be bothered to walk round it and just sits in the car.
What am I missing? What am I failing on here? I don't spoil him but he doesn't go without. I give him the same attention as his sister but I find this constant negativity exhausting. Have tried talking to him about it but he comes across as a foot stampy, indignant hard done by child. Help

How old is he?

He's nine ??

I think it is quite normal at that age for boys esp to be quite moody and a lot of his behaviour seems to be an attempt to get his own way about things. But I am wondering a number of things- is this a recent development? If his behaviour has become more moody and difficult recently there may some cause at the root of it. Boys can find it hard to open up about their feelings. My next question to consider would be- other than the tv/ computer games you mention- what else makes him happy? Does he have friends he enjoys playing with or other interests that motivate him? If no then certainly I would share your concerns. It may help to speak to his teacher or other adults who care for him/ spend time with him when you are not present, sometimes children save their sullen/ grumpy/ woe is me act for their parents and are different again with different people. I am not suggesting that what you should do is give him more of his own way but the things you mention him being uninterested in - the walk, the animal park- don't necessarily surprise me. If you asked him, and let him pick anything, would there be something other than the telly that he would want to do or a place he would want to visit ? Again, I am just trying to get to the root of whether there is a problem that needs addressing or whether he is just being grumpy and difficult if you see what I mean!

Thanks - I like your name. Could be me.

I have spoken to his teacher and she didn't seem to think there was anything wrong. He does get wound up about stuff though e.g. If he doesn't understand exactly what he is supposed to do re homework and no amount of me trying to make suggestions helps. Even today I said we could go into town and look for stuff for a costume including a visit to the joke shop. He wailed and wailed that the joke shop wouldn't have what he wanted. When asked how did he know that. "It just won't" was the reply and then he goes on to ask where the joke shop is and says there isn't one in town. It's that sort of logic I do not understand. Why argue that point when he's not even sure that there is a joke shop in the first place. Why doesn't he believe me? He has no reason not to because I never lie to them or let them down by not doing something I said I would so why can't he trust my judgement. Even in town he asked if he could go to a certain shop. I said ok it's this way and he wailed that it was the other way and went on and on about it until I turned him around and pointed it out to him!
He's a very loving, cuddly boy and yes he has loads of pals. Always happy playing with them. I'm not sure what exactly makes him happy. If I suggest a walk or something outdoors and a pal is involved the he' up like a shot. I sometimes get the impression that he is outwardly confident but inwardly lacks a lot of confidence. I find each minute part of the day an unnecessary drag because of this. Everything has to be asked/told ten times then negotiated. It's sooooooooooo tiring! I have this silly notion of doing lots of fun things with my kids and having a jolly old time but his lack of interest makes it so hard. When I finally do get them to do something, he really enjoys it. I ask him why he was being so difficult about it and he can't explain.

Fwiw my DS was more of a 'glass half empty' personality early on. Anything unfamiliar, he considered very carefully whereas his younger DSis jumped right in. He thought things through, foresaw problems, worked out solutions. Spontaneity wasn't really his thing! Like you I found myself thinking why this negativity, why can't he relax.

In our case he was the pfb, maybe he picked up on some of my novice parenting worries, and by the time we had DC2 we were more confident parents.

I know a pair of brothers, the older one felt displaced when his younger DB arrived and he feels insecure anxious and the need to be ultra competitive. Not helped by the younger sibling being sunny natured and naturally gregarious, everyone warms to him. Reassurance seems to be key.

Now in this instance your DS is loving, cuddly, popular. So he saves his grumps for you? Or is like that with his dad too?

he holds his head complaining about a headache, honestly you'd think he was having a seizure. As soon as I hold his hand, his headache miraculously disappears.

Healing hands! Or more likely that extra bit of attention. As his teacher says he's fine at school I wouldn't worry. At home he can be himself and not make an effort like at school. In our house tiredness usually accounted for beyond normal strops.

By age 9 I found my DCs had worked out for themselves what they wanted to do after school; DD liked organised activities during the week, DS preferred a more free form approach. They each flourished in their own way but to this day, function differently.

Thank you. These posts are very reassuring and supportive. Grumps are generally saved for both me and DH. Interestingly his slightly elder sister is naturally good at everything so perhaps he feels a bit put out by her. He is just as capable but needs to believe in himself more or at least care enough to want to believe iyswim.

I have been wanting to come back to you all afternoon but have been busy. There's a lot I want to say to you. Firstly, don't despair. I have a son the same age and I can tell you that we have many of the same problems that you describe but I just wanted to be sure with my earlier questions that there wasn't something more serious to be concerned about in your situation. I think it is perfectly normal tbh for a boy that age to be moody and withdrawn. In the last year my son has increasingly started wanting to spend time on his own- in his room, door shut etc, at first I found this really upsetting but I realise now that this is part of the natural process of growing up and growing away from us. Sure, it's heart breaking in a way, but there are those other times that you describe when you mention holding his hand, that they still want a cuddle and some tlc. I think the other thing to realise is that their lives are becoming increasingly busy and complex. The demands of school, friendships, the first budding interest in girls etc and all the plethora of extra curricular stuff they tie themselves up in is pretty exhausting, and I think they need to be allowed the space and time to chill out. Sometimes I think there is too much hysteria about how much time children spend watching television or tinkering on their iPads/ x boxes etc. if you're genuinely worried about how much time is being spent on these activities talk to him, explain your reasons and agree a benchmark of how much time he is allowed. I would remember to be flexible though- some nights in our house are a whirlwind of activity. Others I am happy for them to flop a bit longer in front of the tv. As long as he is doing enough social stuff and exercise then I would be prepared to let it go tbh. And finally, the relationship with you. How does the saying go- parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth. It is totally natural for you and your husband to be the ones who bear the brunt of any bad moods/ grumps. Your son is confident of your love for him enough to let you see the worst of him. Other people such as friends/ teachers etc he is having to "try" with. Sure, you should remind him that you have feelings too and try to get him to show you some consideration and respect but really, every parent very where would say that their children save their worst behaviour/ attitude for them. It's natural. And the jolly times you are hoping for- all I can say is good luck with that! Our son can be a total pita if he is taken along on anything he is less than interested in. Even getting him round the supermarket can be a nightmare of grumbling and complaining. I tell myself that I shouldn't give in to it all the time and ensure that he knows there is need for give and take but my husband and I have made a real effort to try and find things over the last year that he really enjoys so we can break that negative cycle and spend some great time together. Maybe follow this up with a gentle reminder that next weekend is his sister's choice etc but write him a blank cheque as it were. Let him choose something- anything- and go and do it and have fun. You have a great son. You say he is good at school and has lots of friends. A lot of parents would swap you for that! Just hang in there!

Ps totally agree with donkey that tiredness is a major issue. As is hunger. I sometimes think the bigger they get the more like toddlers they need handling!

Thank you lovely people xx