How would you handle this behaviour long term?

[despondentmummy]

I've posted about DD1 before but am just despairing of our situation at the moment. She's 3.4 and is having big tantrums every day at the moment, normally more than once a day. We've just moved house and she's moved to a new pre-school, which she enjoys going to and they say she's settled in well, and DD2 (10 months) has just started crawling. The tantrums all focus on getting attention, mainly by getting you to do things for her, carrying her up the stairs is a classic and can result in a real screaming, howling tantrum from her. I don't want to carry her up the stairs because a. She's heavy and b. I'm carrying my 10month old, the source of all the attention-seeking drama I think. But it can be anything - food not cut the right way, not getting her the right tissue, not tying her dressing gown up right. And she just flies off the handle, once screaming so much she was sick (I was horrified). As I think this is all about attention, I just make sure she's safe and leave her to it, I don't want to reward the behaviour with attention, then when she's calm I make sure I spend quality time with her when the baby is asleep, so no chores for me at naptime, we spend a couple of hours doing a puzzle with her, stuff like that. But then as soon as I have to do something else, she loses it again. It's making me completely miserable and making me not want to spend any time with her at all, it's like having the house dominated by a moody teenager, I feel like we're all running round after her demands and it's making me resent her behaviour and to be honest feel a bit bullied (if im too close during the tantrums she'll hit and kick). Am I handling this right by ignoring and positive attention when she's calm? I can only think not as the tantrums aren't getting any less frequent or less angry? What am I doing wrong? I feel like a terrible mother at the moment :(

You poor thing, it's bloody exhausting isn't it? :( sounds like you're the best mummy you can be right now - and that's enough. I agree it's all about control: she's had all these many changes happen which she hasn't been able to control. So the world may feel a bit scarily unpredictable to her at the moment and she's exerting control any way she can.

Like the previous poster said, try to give her as much control as possible, but within parameters that suit you. Like giving choices, both of which suit you. If you haven't already, I really would check out aha parenting website as there's loads of advice for just these situations. It's a bit American but the gist makes a lot of sense.

I'm trying to focus on the positives of each day, even if that's just that everyone is still alive :) it helps with the constant berating self talk. You are a fantastic caring mummy who obviously loves her children - or you wouldn't be seeking advice.

Hope bedtime is going ok.

Yes, I can't wait for this phase to end! It would seem we have produced mini control freaks! After posting earlier I had one of our worst episodes ever - he came out of nursery wearing someone else's coat and when I took it back and asked him to put his own coat on he refused and cried all the way home, shouting he wanted to go back for the other coat. He was so loud I heard someone shut their window as we walked past and I can't help wondering what people must think when they see and hear us approaching....

I hope the rest of your day went ok. Mine are both now tucked in and fast asleep.......phew!

Elephants I agree, I do think it's about control as well as attention, she's had a lot of change and is clearly processing it. It's so frustrating, you love them so unconditionally and think you're showing it, but clearly not in the way they need sometimes. Coolas that's a good idea, she adores her pre-school teacher, so extra praise from that direction would go down a storm I'm sure. Well we had a delightful and peaceful bedtime, both kids perfect for daddy, isn't that just typical?!

Poc just seen your post! I feel for you, it somehow feels so much worse when others are there to witness it! A few weeks ago we were having some work done in the house and the builder said he could hear us coming 2 streets away as eldest was howling her head off that she wasn't comfy in the pram (having insisted I bring her seat for our double to pre-school pick up as she wants to sit in the pram like the baby....) we've just moved to this area, goodness knows what our new neighbours think! We're probably bringing the whole tone of the place right down!

I sometimes used to put the relevant techniques on a list in the kitchen, otherwise it was too easy to forget under stress.

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and more importantly Siblings Without Rivalry are brilliant books that encapsulate lots of the good advice on this thread. They have changed my life for the better. I had a DS who was very similar to your DD and a small baby, it was a very hard time. So I can sympathise. But it will pass. DS is utterly charming and terribly well behaved now!

DD was like this...and at almost 5yo still has her moments (especially since starting school).
What has worked - or at least helped - for us are:

• never letting her get tired or hungry. Obviously the latter is easy to manage. It did result in some bizarre situations where I would realise DD was about to kick off so would suddenly give her some raisins or another snack which almost seemed as if I was rewarding her for starting to kick off but it avoided the tantrum as, by the time she'd had the snack, she'd forgotten the issue. I also got better at making sure we had meals on time rather than letting them slip 20 mins or so. Friends of hers may have been able to have lunch an hour later than normal but she couldn't so I had to make sure I left the park etc when I meant to rather than let her have a bit longer.
• letting her be the boss sometimes. This came about after she shouted one day when she was a bit older than your DD is now "but you always decide what to do and now it's my turn". This actually made me stop & think. I want her to have an enquiring mind & to try and experiment with things but she isn't going to know that that is, in my mind, limited to play doh or Lego or water play etc. It is natural for her to want to extend it to something like how to tie a dressing gown. It is an on-going battle though and there is a lot more negotiation of things that I would ideally want (see below).
• have some clear boundaries. Hitting & stamping (usually in frustration/anger), shouting at me and rudeness to me (or any adult) are straight to bedroom offences for time out. She has a stair gate on her door which she has only recently been able to climb over and she was usually to upset or cross to play.
• realise that, when in pre-school, on play dates etc she is delightful. In a 3, 4 or 5yo, being like that is hard work so she is bound to let off steam at home where she feels comfortable.
• accept she is my daughter and is modelling my behaviour. I will often take charge and, when presented with an idea, will often suggest a way of improving it. As DP once said "but she is only doing what you do all of the time".