Not enjoying being a mum

[ohhai]

Hi, I'm new here so I apologise if this isn't the right bit :)

I'm 22, and mum to my little boy who is 4 next month. I'm 18 weeks pregnant with a little girl.

I fell pregnant with my son at 17, I was an idiot (to put it bluntly), and messed up my life. Before pregnancy, I was a proud, hard working, physically strong woman. I was applying to join the RAF and train to be a nurse. I worked hard at cadets, excelled at it, loved life, and was looking forward to starting training. Life was good. Then I got my positive pregnancy test.

I love my son to bits. He is an amazing, fantastic little boy. He deserves so much better.

After falling pregnant, I decided to become a civvy nurse. I worked hard to go to uni, and now I work as a registered nurse.

I pretend I'm happy. I'm lucky, I've done well in life. I turned it round from being a scared 17 year old.

OH and I decided to TTC in June. I got a positive pregnancy test in July. Dates show that I conceived within the first few days of trying. We're blessed.

This pregnancy has been so hard. I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum at 6 weeks. By 10 weeks I was signed off work, and I will be off work now until I go on maternity leave. I go back to work August next year.

Being off work is making me miserable. The thought of going back makes me feel ill.

Parenting doesn't come naturally to me. Who are these mums who can take their kids to the park, then go swimming, then make a healthy nutritious lunch, then do messy play, before playing games and making tea? Why am I not one? Every day I wake up wanting to go back to bed, and begging for the day to hurry up and be over. I'm tired of crying.

OH is fantastic. But he's a nurse too, and when he's on shift, the days drag, and I'm so lonely.

My son does 15 hours at nursery a week, and when he's there, I just sleep and dread the time for him to come home.

I feel sick thinking about march, when they'll be 2 to look after. I regret TTC, which sounds awful, I persuaded myself that it would get better, but it never does.

Earlier I accidentally came across all the photos from my time at cadets, and all the fitness and prep I was doing. Remembering all the interviews and selection weekends I did to get accepted. My heart is breaking, and I feel awful for not appreciating the wonderful life I do have.

Well I know plenty of these mums but I am not one. Plenty enjoy e early years I endure them (and I had it easy ). But being a parent is more than just the early years.
However you sound depressed. You need to mention this to your mw and your partner. This isn't your problem to solve by yourself. It also sounds like you need to make plans to getting back who you want to be. You are still very young. Assuming your family will be complete with number two you have plenty of time to follow your dreams, though I do realise they might have to change slightly.

And it will get better, but the new baby fog is so hard when you're in it. Do you have local friends? Go to toddler groups? Do you have family support?

OP, I couldn't read and run! It sounds like you are really struggling and miss the old "you"! That's perfectly normal! It sounds like you need to rediscover your former self a bit again if you feel up to it at all? Could you take up exercise again that is safe to do while pregnant? If I didn't do my art for a few hours a day while my little one sleeps I would go loopy! You really do need to do something for you too! Big hugs!

Were you crying lots before your pregnancy or is it recently you have been feeling upset?

You are not terrible. I think there are a few women who just excel at motherhood. I'm not one of them. And most if the mums I know will admit that it can be a slog.

My DC are school age now and it's SOOO much easier than when they were little. I am incredibly blessed to have my family but that doesn't mean that mothering is easy. I found the preschool years really really hard.

Please speak to your GP or midwife about how you are feeling. You may havr antenatal depression. But even if you haven't pregnancy hormones can be horrible. With both pregnancies I felt completely bizarre, as if I was having an out of body experience.

You sound like an amazing, strong woman to have trained with a small baby at home but please do talk to someone about how you feel.

And be reassured that you are NOT this first mum to feel like this and you certainly won't be the last.

I am a sahm and I struggle. But I struggled so much more when I only had one child and she hadn't started school yet. Even when DC2 was small it was (in some ways) easier because DC1 was at school and entertained DC2 when home. If I had my time again I know I would have stayed working. Anytime someone says they're thinking of staying home with their kids I think NOOOOOOOO! You are lucky in that you have a job to go back to. Tbh I don't know that many mums who really fill their days entertaining their kids. I know plenty who during non-school days do one thing (or no thing!) with their kids and let them entertain themselves the rest of the time - I'm sure I read that it is not good to constantly fill your kids time - they should be able to entertain themselves.
But yes, as someone upthread said, you could be suffering from pre-natal depression: Every day I wake up wanting to go back to bed, and begging for the day to hurry up and be over. I'm tired of crying does sound like you could do with talking to someone.

OP, I feel for you. Motherhood is such a shock for most of us let alone going through it at such a young age. I do think you need to speak to your GP as you sound really low my lovely. It might help for you to get some talking therapy or something like that. It sounds to me like you need to accept what happened in your first pregnancy before you can move on and accept this week. Sending you lots of love, keep talking x

Motherhood does not come easy to everyone. I am a WAHM but far from natural at it; although I found newborn days far easier than toddler days!
Once your daughter arrives could you go back to your cadet career? There was a post the other day about a lady joining the army - her daughter was 5 months.