How responsible is your pre teen/teen? Trying to gauge what's standard.

[Ledkr]

Dd is12 and just seems to float through her life taking no responsibility for anything.
She puts nothing away, leaves lights on, clothes where they land, hair stuff where it's taken out. Loses coats and kit and seems unbothered by it, she has lost 3 swimmkng costumes this summer just by leaving them in the showers.
If she makes a drink or food everything is just left out with lifs off.
Of course we tell her to clear up or put stuff away but I feel that life has become a series of nagging and negotiation. I've tried punishment but it doesn't change anything. Tried rewards and goals but no change.
I feel like my only chance of a peaceful life is to just tidy up behind her or just replace everything she loses without comment while I pray she grows out of it.

She'll not grow out of it if she doesn't have to bother with being responsible for anything - if she has to keep missing swimming because she's lost her costume she will learn to take care of it better next time... especially if she has to replace it herself out of her own pocket money!

If she loses her coat, she will just have to get cold and wet.

Don't wash clothes unless she puts them in the washing basket. If she doesn't then she will have to go to school with a dirty screwed-up smelly uniform.

General clutter - buy a largish basket with a lid. If she leaves things lying around then chuck the whole lot in the basket. Too bad if her homework gets thrown in there too.

Trust me, it will get better...

I do think you might have to tidy up the food debris for a while longer though!

Dd doesn't lose stuff but she dumps clothes wherever, doesn't pick up used plates, etc. drives me mad.

Thanks. I posted before as it just gives me perspective. I like the debris idea, going to do that.
She was cocky about her coat until she realised I wasn't driving her the few minutes to school this morning in the rain.
There's just so little room for fun between the repeated demands to pick up her crap.

Can I ask if she has any set chores of her own? So for example at that age I tidied my room every week and vacuumed the stairs, as well as having a paper round at 13. If she receives pocket money and doesn't earn it, it's time to teach her about earning things. I was taught responsibility from a young age and I'm very grateful for it, my parents did me a huge favour teaching me to respect possessions and earn things I wanted.

With lost items I'd make her earn the money to replace them. She's lost her coat ....so either she ups her efforts to get it back, or she does tasks around the house to earn the money to buy a new coat. £1 for washing up, £3 for hoovering the house etc, or whatever amount you choose. If she doesn't then she'll just have to go without, the Bank of Mum is closed until further notice

Responsibility is learned and she won't learn it unless she's put in situations where she has to take responsibility.

Good luck, and expect a backlash, but she will get used to it.

I agree that responsibility has to be given in order to be taken, if you keep fixing things for her he won't learn to fix things herself (or avoid them needing to be fixed).

DS is 11, his room is immaculate and that spreads out around the house - don't put anything down or he'll side it. I'm lucky in one sense that he's ruthlessly organised and can always find everything, I just wish I knew whether this is his natural personality, a function of the trauma he's experienced (like the go bag he always has packed) or habit after years of trauma based behaviors.

My DD (11) is very like that - just a whirlwind of activity/destruction constantly getting distracted from what she's doing to do something else, and dropping things where she stands. Though unlike your DD it does bother her when she loses things, though this doesn't seem sufficient to make her change her habits.

On a good day I try a mixture of support and encouragement, techniques for organising things and clear rules and instructions (you must do x, before dinner, then tidy up y, etc) Also making her suffer the consequences - she had to pay £8 out her £15 a month pocket money this week to replace a lost locker key after she ignored my advice and took it off her keyring, for the second time (first time she lost it, in exactly the same manner it got handed in)

On a bad day I lose my rag at her and tell her it's her own fault she can't find anything as she's a reckless scatterbrain who doesn't look after things