Can anyone shed any light on DD's behaviour and help me deal with it please?

[Itsfab]

DD is eleven. Her brothers are 9 and 13. She is nasty to them most of the time. Said many times she doesn't like them. Said tonight she doesn't like living with them and has said it before. She calls them names, won't spend any time with them, is just horrible to them all the time. She won't even walk to the school bus stop with DS1 even though it would make me less worried.

Tonight I had had enough and ended up walking out to sit in the car for a few minutes as I didn't want to shout.

She is rude to me and DH too and always answers back.

I get it is her age, rude, annoying, etc but it is so hard to see the boys faces when she says such horrible things to them.

She doesn't seem to care about anyone yet hours after being horrible to me and told off she comes for a cuddle before bed. She truly wouldn't be bothered if she was the last person in the world. Perfectly happy on her own but it is a bit tough given I have two other children.

You poor thing you must be exhausted with all the rows and tensions. I'm sure you had always hoped your children would enhance each other's lives so this must be bitterly disappointing as well as stressful. Chances are though your family is going through a difficult period that you can move through together.

You are right to be concerned about your sons. Sibling bullying can have devastating effects on children's self esteem and wellbeing so you do have to be strict with your daughter about her treatment of her brothers with a zero tolerance approach to rudeness. She will simply have to be excluded from situations if she can't show respect to others. Remember you are not only teaching her how to treat others - you are teaching your sons how they must expect to be treated. So if you lower your standards - it lowers theirs.

Now, your daughter. First of all she does care about you all - her behaviour shows a lot of feelings which although are shown in a negative way, shows that you matter. She's far from indifferent to you all.

As an outsider it's hard to explain her behaviour without knowing the family but an experienced guess would be that there are one of two things going on here. Either she is having problems at school or elsewhere that she is taking out on everyone at home or she is frustrated with the home setup in some way eg she doesn't get much space away from her siblings or time alone with you.

Your first step should probably be to get to the root of her anger, which may be a long slog but hey that's the joys of parenting. See if there's something the two of you can do alone together that's away from the house. Preferably something relaxing but if it's the weekly grocery shop that's fine. Without interrogating her - show an interest in her life and what she thinks about general things and don't even mention the negative behaviour. You need to see the person behind the aggression and she needs to be seen. You need to build up a relationship where she feels she can say how she feels without shouting and she needs to realise that family, particularly her mum, can be a benefit to her.

I know it's very hard to see a person as vulnerable when they are being aggressive but the worse she behaves, the more she needs you.

Take care and good luck x

Id be telling her that if she doesnt want to spend time with them or walk to the bus stop.with them then fine (you cant force them to be friends!) but that the nastiness ends here and now. Live and let live - they arent going anywhere and neither is she so she shuts up with the grief she gives them and stays away from them if they bother her that much.

Blimey, I never even thought of it as bullying but I can see how it is.

She does have feelings. She has been in tears this week as a girl has ripped her new book and spoilt parts of it, then laughed about it.

Last night we had a long chat with her and it just felt like we were getting at her .

DH has been having the children say nice things to each other. This is because when DS2 expressed concern for his sister she threw it back in his face as she always does.

I have asked her many times what the issue is and she says I just don't like him. I know there are issues with DS2 going in her room (generally one or two steps in to say hello or to ask to borrow a book) and she kicks off big time but we have talked to them all and said they can choose. Either no one is allowed or all are allowed and said that asking first is the way to go.

All have their own rooms.

This has been going on for a while so no way of knowing if it is about school as they have been at two schools in the last year, actually 3 for DD.

I have told her it is tough. We all live together and that is that but on nights when I have really had enough and failed as a mum I have told her to pack her bags.

Things have been better today. Only actually been all in the house together since 1pm..

Have you read the book Siblings Without Rivalry? That's supposed to be good.

Do the boys do "boy" stuff together and end up leaving her out? I wonder if she's feeling a bit like she doesn't fit. Do you ever have girly nights/coffee (hot choc!) dates/shopping days etc together? Even if she's not really girly (and I'm not usually one for gender stereotyping) it might be nice for her and you to spend some time together.

I have the book but haven't looked at it for a while. I will do tomorrow.

She is never left out of anything. My kids are not really strong gender defined. They all like to do similar things quite a lot of the time. They make up ball games together and play on separate computers to link up on a game. DS2 will always welcome her to play with him though of course not always stuff she wants to do.

It is hard to have one to one with more children than parents but I will definitely consider taking one when I go out and do errands and then make part fun too - though given the choice they would stay home on their computers or reading!

This parenting lark is hard.

Itsfab, you sound like a lovely mum and I'm sorry things are tough with your DS at the moment. Is she reaching puberty, do you think? I was pretty horrendous with hormones at that age - was not in control of my emotions. But this sounds a bit different and she is being mean. I am certain she would hate for others to be as mean to her and she needs to learn some patience and empathy. Sorry I don't have any advice, but I hope you gain some more harmony soon

Meant DD - autocorrected, sorry

She has body developments so yes, definitely hormones and has been for a while I think. When I ask her how she feels if people are mean to her she says she isn't bothered as I have taught her not to care what people think - totally back fired on that one as hasn't got my point.

I do think DH talking to her last night has sunk in though as seemed better today.

Definitely missing empathy in this house and to some degree none of my kids seem to get it. I say when DS1 is mean to you and you feel what you feel he feels the same when you are mean to him. I get blank looks or rolling eyes. Yet they are so loving to the animals and me at times .