I've not bonded with my 10 month old

[Mewtwo]

I had a traumatic labour/birth, I have depression (had depression for years before having my DS but possibly may have PND too) and my DS cried for hours every single day until he was about 4 months old with reflux. I didn't bond with him straight away but I assumed the bond would come soon enough but it hasn't. He's breastfed, we co-sleep and carry him in a sling and all of these things are supposed to help with bonding and they haven't. I'm so upset, will I never bond with him? Have I done something wrong?

You haven't done anything wrong at all. What makes you feel you haven't bonded with him?

Are you getting help for your depression?

It's hard to put into words... He'll cry and I don't feel the need to go to him, for example. I do go to him though obviously. I don't want to be near him, I don't want to feed him or change him or play with him. I desperately want to want to do these things but he's just such an unhappy baby, I feel like I'm completely failing at being a parent and he would be much better off if I just left. I'm very low, just now. I went to the GP for help with my depression but they refused me anti-depressants on the grounds that I'm breastfeeding and I just can't face counselling so they won't help me otherwise.

Oh you do sound down, I'm sorry you're feeling that way.

Wrt to the comment your GP made about breastfeeding and antidepressants - there are several different anti depressants you can take whilst breastfeeding. Here is a link to a depressants andBreastfeedingJan2013- wj.pdf fact sheet that explains about which ones can be taken safely. The info is from the Breastfeeding Network Organisation who have a helpline about this as well.

Your feelings really do sound like the depression talking, and I hope you can go back to the GP (or a different one) and query them about the anti depressants.

Do you have a DP/DH who you can talk to about how you feel? You are categorically not a bad parent, and your DS would not be better off without you. You're doing a great job, but you are still allowed to feel how you feel, there's no shame or guilt in that. Things will get better, you may find that you're just not a baby person and when he's a bit older (talking, walking etc) that you find it easier.

Oh the link went wrong... Try this link, and then click on the anti depressant link.

www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/detailed-information/drugs-in-breastmilk/drugs-factsheets/

Maybe St. John's wort would help you, OP.

www.drugs.com/breastfeeding/st-john-s-wort.html

Also, in a couple of months time when your DS is 12 months, you could stop breastfeeding and give full fat cows milk (plus a daily multivitamin) instead. Then you would have the opportunity to take any of the antidepressants that are available.

Also, even if you have bonded with your baby it's normal to be more keen to do something for a happy contented baby than an unhappy crying baby.

When my dd was waking loads at night and I was exhausted, i was angry about seeing to her, snappy and rougher sometimes than I wanted to be.

Yo do sound depressed, but don't panic that you'll never bond.

Without wanting in anyway to minimise your struggles, I'm wondering whether people are a bit romantic about the 'bonding' thing.

I didn't do the cosleeping bit, or the sling bit - other than using the sling rather than a buggy sometimes in the very early years. I did breastfeed and do lots of cuddles, and attend to her needs when she cried.

You could argue that if you gave yourself a bit more physical space, it might be easier to attend to your baby's needs. Do you have a partner - and/or family members - who might also give the baby love and attention.

I honestly think I found my baby daughter a bit easier when she got to be about a year old and started talking.

It doesn't mean I didn't love my daughter when she was a abby. It's just that the early months are tough and expecting everyone to enjoy them all the time is deeply unrealistic

I second what marriansolong says (great name btw - Leonard fan?)...

People talk about 'bonding' as if it's a tangible thing and I don't think it is. It is just something that adds pressure to the early days of motherhood.

My DS was very similar to yours as a baby and if I'm honest there were times where I felt the same as you. He's 1 now and is a willful, independent, amazing little boy and I realise now that those early days and the early feelings were just cause it's was bloody hard work!!

I've been told 2 bits of advice that helped me - one was that some babies jut don't want to be babies so they make life hard during that time but when they grow and get I to their stride they change considerably. The second is that it's actually ok to not love the 'baby' stage.

As for the antidepressants - your GP is absolutely wrong, there are loads of ADs you can use when BFing. Go back and refuse to leave without them, even if it means a referral to a mother & baby unit.

Keep your chin up, I promise it gets better.

I would try and get some space, I found the 9 to 12 months very hard work and can honestly say putting mine in nursery has strengthed our bond because I have time to recuperate and he has other things and people to see so he finds home nice and interesting again.

I had a similar experience to you (I have a baby a few months older than you) and it's only very recently I've felt that rush of love. When you've had a traumatic start it's very difficult to love a baby you are just trying to make happy. It will come. Maybe not this month or the next but I'm sure it will come.