Does any one else find it stressful having other children round to play?

[Hexbug]

Or am I the only person that just finds it really difficult?

DS is 7 and wants to have friends round to tea/play. I want to encourage him to do this bit I find it very, very stressful.

I never know what to do. For example...

When do you just leave them to it or when do you intervene?

Do you enforce 'house rules' - for example no ball games in the house?

What do you do when you ask them to do something and get a straight 'no' as a response?

Do you insist that meals get eaten or do you accept that it's a novelty (a bit like a child's party) and let it go?

To set the scene, DS gets really excited about having a friend round and then gets cross when they go tearing around the house and pulling out every toy.

Please believe me, I honestly am a nice person and I don't want to be known as 'miserable parent that no one wants to visit'. I just don't think I am very good with other children - how does everyone else cope?

When do you just leave them to it or when do you intervene?

leave them to it unless they're arguing, doing something dangerous or something you don't want them to do, for example dd likes to play hide and seek which involves hiding in my bedroom which is a no-go area so then I intervene

Do you enforce 'house rules' - for example no ball games in the house?

yes, and no shoes , no eating in the lounge

What do you do when you ask them to do something and get a straight 'no' as a response?

threaten to tell their mum on collection time

Do you insist that meals get eaten or do you accept that it's a novelty (a bit like a child's party) and let it go?

let it go and only serve food I know will get eaten like pizza

I felt exactly like you, but the more you do it the easier it becomes. The friends that come a lot know what the house rules are. At first I was all panic stricken and the relief when they went home was the best feeling ever.

But now the boys are 15 and 12 and i have been doing it so long I don't even think about it. DS2 has a friend to sleepover tonight and I don't even think about him being here.

We put a lock on the outside of our bedroom door when DS1 was in Reception and started having friends back. It meant that hide and seek didn't involve our wardrobes or anything.

Gah, I hate it, but it's worth it as they ask your child back and then you get some peace

I find you need a game plan in place. If you don't have a garden, make sure you take them outside somewhere first to work off most of the loudness and annoyingness. Then let them loose in the bedroom but give the rules firsthand, Shoes OFF when you come into the house, no ball games, nobody is allowed in M&D's room! (would you not keep balls out of the house/put away in a cupboard anyway?) etc etc.

If things are getting a bit rowdy, get your best schoolteacher act on - they're used to schoolteacher at school, so it's not a big deal and it's best when they're in groups. Don't ask all nicey nicey or negotiating-ish, whatever your normal parenting style, that all goes out of the window when they are in packs (is that just boys?) Give the instruction/reminder in a cheerful but no nonsense tone and don't accept any noes. "Do you want me to tell your mum that you weren't behaving?" is a useful threat, although I'd go for direct behaviour management if you can and for really bad behaviour then you can threaten (and follow through) to send them home. (By direct behaviour management I mean, if they're chucking the lego everywhere then take away the lego, if they're arguing or talking over each other rather than playing, distract them onto another game or activity).

Have emergency distractions if you can - DVDs can help or some kind of activity like "helping" you in the kitchen if there's anything suitably indestructible you can think of. If you have a garden, use it, chuck them out into it at the first sign of noise/hyperactivity/trouble.

They won't eat the food. But serve something child friendly and don't load them up with sugary drinks or sweets, unless it's an actual party.

Don't actually tell the other parent if their kid was a nightmare unless it was really bad or there's something particular you think they need to know. Your angel child is probably exactly the same at their house. Accepted protocol is to smile and say "Oh he was no trouble at all! We love having him."

Thank you all, I feel so much better knowing that it's not just me.

I think some of it is that whole 'dream parent vs reality' thing. In my head, DS has friends round where everybody gathers round the kitchen table and drinks milk/eats cookies. Obviously I listen to their tales of the day and we chat and laugh together.

The reality is that I feel horribly awkward, ask 'embarrassing mum' questions and the boys run round the house pretending to be superheroes.

Seriously though, I am very grateful for your advice and will try to chill out a bit and not be embarrassed to set the rules when needed.

I don't find other people's children difficult and have no problem telling them what's what.

Do you enforce 'house rules' - for example no ball games in the house?

Absolutely.

What do you do when you ask them to do something and get a straight 'no' as a response?

Give them The Look ... a bit like this and say I wasn't asking you to do it, I was telling you to do it.

Do you insist that meals get eaten or do you accept that it's a novelty (a bit like a child's party) and let it go?

Nope, I make the meal and if they don't want it/don't like it (very rare) then I'd offer them something easy like egg/beans on toast, fruit etc

To set the scene, DS gets really excited about having a friend round and then gets cross when they go tearing around the house and pulling out every toy

So he should, it's his house, your family things and he knows better. He needs you to help him maintain the boundaries he's used to. 'X we don't do y in our house'

Please believe me, I honestly am a nice person and I don't want to be known as 'miserable parent that no one wants to visit'. I just don't think I am very good with other children - how does everyone else cope?

Don't worry, kids who you want to like you wont drive you to this & the kids who you have to 'tell off' all the time are the ones you really don't want there anyway :)

They're way too young to sit around the table and chat, and when they're older you'll be far too uncool and embarrassing to want to do that. Sounds like a strange situation TBH, when have you seen any child do that? They've come to see your DS, not you, so you just need to act as combined cook and rule enforcer and try not to wince too obviously when they're charging around shouting.

Also top tip - make DS clean up after his friends the next day. It will both teach him responsible hosting and give him an incentive to not make too much mess

I understand how you feel too, my girls get asked to friends houses at lot and I always feel bad for not having their friends over more but I don't enjoy it. DD1 is 12 now and DD2 is 7 so it's getting easier as they pretty much play without needing supervision.

I am not so tight on the eating rule when friends are around but usually make something basic as I never know what kids will or won't eat. HOemade pizzas are good and jacket potatoes as they can choose their own toppings.

As for rules, we have some basic ones that I do expect them to follow (ie no going in our bedroom, must include younger brother in their play, no tormenting the cat!) but the girls are good at reminding them what we allow. If any mess is made then it's up to my DD's to tidy up afterwards.

I'm not looking forward to having to start this again with DS2 who is 3.5 but maybe I'll be more relaxed by the time he wants friends to come over.

I also pick nights when I know they won't be here too long :)