Balance in the relationship after a baby

[Maya15]

hi,
i am not even pregnant yet but we are TTC from next months. Both me and my partner work very long hours and we are both very ambitious. At the moment he has a more senior position than me and earns more money which is also due to the fact that he is older than me.

I am a bit worried how a baby might shift the balance in our relationship. I have already addressed a few times that I also expect him to work less when the baby arrives. I have also suggested that he could work a 4 day week for a few months for example (we could afford it). Generally he assures me that he will of course help out lots (and he is a very kind and helpful person) but overall I am still worried that I will spend lots of time alone with the baby especially when I am still on maternity leave. His work is very demanding and I am not sure how much he would really cut back when the baby is here. I feel very strongly that the father also needs to get involved and parenting is not just my job. Am I needlessly worried? Do you want to share your experiences?

You need to sit down and talk and be very clear and in agreement before even TTC. Oh, and he needs to understand that parenting is not 'helping out'. You two need to nail down, too, what childcare arrangements you agree on for when you return to work and how parenting duties will be dealt with as well as the increased household work that children being.

My dh works lots of overtime on evenings and weekends we agreed that once baby was born he would do evenings OR weekends but tbh it hasn't happened it caused a lot of arguments in the early days as I was so tired and needed help I resented the fact that he swanned out to work while I looked after dd all day and all night, now things are easier (15 weeks) and im not a hormonal bitch I can see he is only doing it for us Im on statutory mat pay and the extra money is extremely handy, it is about trying to get that balance though but be aware it doesn't always go the way you planned.

Make sure ther understanding is there, parenting and doing your fair share is not help, helping you or babysitting.

You need to talk about plans beforehand

Ie agree that both of you will go back to work if that's what you want, so where's baby going. I would suggest he looks into condensing hours into 4 long days and you do the same, so only 3 days childcare needed. If he doesn't before baby then you have help 3 days also on maternity

Again helping out is what granparents do not parents. It's very hard to plan what you will do work wise as you have no idea what will happen when your baby is here I planned to go back to work PT but when I did I hated being away from DS and quit i'm planning on being a SAHM as long as possible you just don't know you also don't know if you will have an easy baby or not.

The thing we have found most effective is putting everything together including work, childcare, housework, shopping, home admin and dish it out so we have 50/50 overall. For us just now DP has a hard manual job so he does full time work plus over time and plays with DS takes him out and bathes him and I do every thing else because DS is an easy going 2.8 yr old and I can honestly say for the moment I have the easier job. When DS was a baby who cried all the time and never slept DP done much more at home and for child care.

What i'm saying really is you can't decide now what will happen as you have no idea what the future holds and children are changeable you will have hard and easy times all you can do now is say you will do 50/50 over all and work out the details later.

I think one of the biggest shocks to me has been that parenting a small baby isn't 50/50 if you are breastfeeding. Tbh even if you aren't, if your partner works full time they will be at work more than they are home during waking hours, and will prob also need you to do the bulk of overnight baby duties too.

That's not to say things won't even out more as the baby gets older, but from my experience (now having a 14 week old DC, so minimal!) you should be prepared to really take the lead. I was very resentful at first when my DS was born, as DH just slept through night feeds and was still able to go out for the evening etc. I think I just realised eventually that however much I had wanted us to split everything equally this just isn't possible unless you can both afford to be off work, or drastically reduce working hours. It is hard for both partners tho, I do sometimes feel for DH when he has to go to work after a night where DS has kept us both up for several hours, and I can just go back to bed.

Having said that, just because you are the baby's primary carer while you're on mat leave doesn't mean you have to be alone with the baby. Me and DS go out every day to baby groups, classes, play dates, coffee with friends, walks in the park etc. so it's not 50/50 but we have a pretty fun existence ;)

Song - that is very much your family though. I breastfed both times but would still say dh and I parent 50/50. In the night baby would wake and he would pick up or try and soothe a few mins, if not would pass to me to feed, then I would pass back and he would wind and resettle. Dh also dropped to 4 days work once baby due, and worked from home 2 of those since baby born so has always been around to parent 50/50. I did the same from 3 months

Sorry to be the voice of doom op but in my experience (limited I know-DS is 9 months) set ups like Artandco are few and far between. My OH has a very demanding job and I'm now a SAHM- it isn't down to him to "help out", more do his fair share... but his fair share isn't a great deal-especially during the week. When I was still bf it would have seemed totally unnecessary for us BOTH to be disturbed in the night so I did the lions share.
When on mat leave of course you'll spend a lot of time with the baby. Pretty much all of your time actually! It doesn't mean you have to be alone though, as pp said I do baby groups etc every day so am very rarely alone. I would say OH and I were just about as happy together as we possibly could be and still the last 9 months have been a real challenge to our relationship. We don't have the same time to devote to making each other happy in the same way. That said I wouldn't have it any other way so read into that what you will!!!!

Remember you can share maternity leave now, you and your dh could take 6 months each.
I agree that sharing the load 5050 while bfing a newborn is not always possible. Dd was tongue tied and would feed all day and all night. When dh was here his job was to feed and water me! He did get more sleep though. However, now that we are night weaning I am getting more sleep than him as he settles her to avoid boob temptation.
We operate on the principle that we both have the same amount of free time. If there is work still to be done either childcare or housework we both keep going till it's done. We each get one night off a week.
Make sure you discuss the 'thinking' aspects of childcare as well. He needs to take a 5050 share in all the planning and organising as well, from buying nappies to choosing childcare. I have a friend who moans that her dh doesn't know what to put in the change bag so she always has to do it. My mind boggles as to how they got into that situation, it seems so sad to me that he's so detached from the nuts and bolts of childcare, but it's a trap lots of couples seem to fall into.

You're not needlessly worrying and I would say do discuss this now and agree about how you want to parent/be aware of one another's expectations. I've been really surprised at how much 10 months out of my job has impacted on things, and I did find it hard seeing DH go off to work while I stayed at home. If we have another I think we'd split mat leave.
DH has compressed his hours so has a half day a week with DS and I have gone down to 4 days. We share the nursery run. Both our careers are equally important irrespective of pay.

Totally agree with qumquat re sharing planning too. DH can do everything I do - knows where all DS's clothes are, can get his nursery bag sorted, knows if we're low on wet wipes, can get a meal ready... It's easy to get in the habit of doing everything when you're on mat leave so it's worth being mindful of the mundane organisational stuff.
We also have one designated night off each per week.