Constant answering back: what do you do?

[winkywinkola]

My ds1 aged 9 is always having the last word whenever we request something of him, ask him to stop doing something.

Sometimes it is rude, sometimes it's just cheeky.

It is incessant with every single dialogue with him. It's tedious and actually infuriating.

What do you do to stop the backchat?

Start punishing it. Withdrawal of privalidges, sent to room, cancel a friend coming for tea, whatever it takes to show that he cant speak to you like crap and still get nice things

I've done ALL of that. He either doesn't get it or doesn't care. It's been a problem for ages.

What about making a big point of saying, "I'm not going to answer you or get drawn into this. Do (or don't do) what I said and that's the end of it," and then walk away and refuse to engage in further conversation; don't give him the satisfaction of the argument. Do that every single time.

YY refuse to engage every time.

I have an 11yr old DS, he's just started secondary school and all has been going well so far, apart from stress with homework. He struggles a bit and has found the new workload a bit overwhelming. I have supported him and reassured it will all be ok. Recently he had a major freak out, about not finishing homework in time, he was throwing things around, hitting, shouting and generally in a state. I explained that I'd write a note, so he could have a bit more time, as it was getting late and he'd worked hard on it so far. I said he needed to calm down in his room and get to bed anyway. When I went in to turn off the light and say goodnight, he told me to 'P.Off!' He's been very rude to me and has been physically pushing and pulling. I keep firm and patient and say I will not argue with him, but it is sometimes very difficult not to get cross. He finds it difficult to control his temper and can get frustrated easily. Mornings can be tricky, he can be very moody and particular, if he doesnt agree or like something, he's been saying, 'are you retarded?!!'
I cant stand the way he is talking to me and end up in tears after he has gone out. I have grounded him for the P.off and explained how getting angry and physical, is not acceptable. I am getting very worried about how he feels he can treat me and how I am to deal with it. I am a single mum and no-one to back me up. I am patient and open minded, I believe I cater to his needs, but nothing seems good enough sometimes! He does have Autistic features, which have been assessed, but they are not serious enough to warrant a statement. I am dealing with complex behaviours that require real understanding and boundaries but I am struggling to get the responses I'd like. I have taken priviledges away, I have talked to him, asked him to calm down when he's bad tempered and needs space, I have removed myself away from him and refused to engage, if he is rude. Some of these things work, but it appears he feels he can say and do what he likes to me!
Perhaps I need to have a talk with him about how upset I feel when he talks to me like that? I have already spoken about how shouting and throwing things doesnt help? Does anyone else have this problem with rudeness and aggression? how do you deal with it? It does help if I have a friend or family member here, as he behaves better, but I need to gain some control, as its like being in an abusive relationship!! Please help?!

Hmmm. Can someone else help? I was able to help my Aunt, who was also a single parent, with her DC in similar circumstances. I was in my very early 20s and they seemed more willing to listen to me than Mum in their teens.

I would phone regularly and then pop round to go out once a month or so. We chatted about lots of things. Sometimes I would bring up specific incidents (related to my by my aunt). I was able to tell them when I thought they were out of order and I didn't get the 'blow up' that Mum got.

Is there anyone who could do this?

I think thats a good point, I know others can have a positive influence, as being a lone parent can feel intense at times. I get helpful advice from my brother and I have a dear male friend who helps me, but no-one directly guides my DS. I will see if my neighbour will babysit when I go to Yoga, she's lovely and would be a good influence. whoever is in my life, would need to approach behaviour in a subtle way, but I'm sure it would help!
I have an older son and remember he listened to my lodger, when I was encouraging him to eat his veggies...its funny isnt it, they need others input, thats why its such a struggle living alone at times. Thanks :-)