How did your baby change your relationship with your partner?

[moomin35]

Just that!

For the first few months I found it quite hard OP. It has got much better now that I have got used to the change in our relationship. To be honest, I was really resentful of my DH that he could just walk out of the door and go to work (and have a bit of peace!) each morning and I was left exhausted and covered in sick! Things have settled down much more now (we are 6 months in) but it was tough going to begin with.

For the first few months I found it quite hard OP. It has got much better now that I have got used to the change in our relationship. To be honest, I was really resentful of my DH that he could just walk out of the door and go to work (and have a bit of peace!) each morning and I was left exhausted and covered in sick! Things have settled down much more now (we are 6 months in) but it was tough going to begin with.

For the first few months I found it quite hard OP. It has got much better now that I have got used to the change in our relationship. To be honest, I was really resentful of my DH that he could just walk out of the door and go to work (and have a bit of peace!) each morning and I was left exhausted and covered in sick! Things have settled down much more now (we are 6 months in) but it was tough going to begin with.

DCs arrival changed us into parents, friends and flat mates. We don't seem to be life partners or lovers anymore. Five years after the arrival of our first, and three years after the second, things are still the same.

I understand this isn't that uncommon, but certainly not a given. If we'd communicated more and appreciated each other then I don't think we'd be were we are. Not sure if things are salvageable, but if it all goes pear-shaped I know we'll be good parents, just maybe not together.

Sorry for the downer, I'm sure there will be others who will offer the flipside shortly!

Mines identical to keepithidden

There is no more sex, probably because of me, weight gain, tiredness and general resentment raft he is not a mind reader and doesn't do things exactly how I want them!!
It shows a different side of you; I think my calmness shines and his temper does.
It also makes you consider everything differently, I can't just leave as there's a little person to consider.
The main difference is, there is only one person who I love with all my heart; my dd. DP will never get that he will always be 2nd.

First few months really difficult. Sleep deprivation made us bicker so much. But after that it's just got better and better. I think the main thing is that when going through a rough patch remembering it's just a patch and you'll get through it. I definitely appreciate DP so much more now than I ever did before and we both but more effort in now because we know we have to!

Ours hasn't changed too much really, we are definitely closer as it's more like a little unit.

First few weeks were hard, no sleep, screaming baby we were both early twenties and totally unprepared so had our share of tiffs.

But since then it's been great, we still have all the fun and laughter we had pre DS actually probably more. Hope that helps a bit op!

The initial shock of a newborn was like being spun upside down for months - however we totally clung to one another through it. Competitive Tiredness started and we both realised what was happening and made a conscious decision to put an end to it. Due to DHs work (TA) and me knowing I was going back full time after Mat Leave, he got stuck in from the off and quite honestly DD gets exactly the same from both of us. I really feel that we are equals.

Whilst I was pregnant we talked a lot about how to help one another and things we would like to put in place:- if one of us books something in, the other is then "on baby duty" and is responsible for childcare if they then have something come up; childcare was only ever used when we were both at work so whoever started later did the drop off and whoever finished earliest did the pick up. Lots of other things were discussed too, and honestly it has really really helped.

I feel very much like I do about our marriage: we didnt enter into it to improve or strengthen our relationship, like a sticking plaster, and we took a LONG time to make the step (together 8 years before we even got engaged and waited a good year between deciding we were ready to TTC and actually starting to).

It almost ended a rock solid 10 year relationship and marriage, but that was largely due to severe PND.

Apart from illness, it made us realise how much time we invested in work and how much we both needed to manage time better.

A few years on, we didn't just bounce back, we bounced forward. DH has gone from being overweight and physically lazy most of his adult life to a super fit triathlete, I have come through illness and have a completely different perspective on life (which is much nicer) and we both have had our priorities straightened.
There is an element of tag team in terms of both of us getting time out to ourselves but it works.

I have found for us the only way to maintain the 'couple' part of it is to get away, just the two of us, whenever we can. Proper nights out together where we don't talk about children or home.

It was hard for the first few months each time, that's pretty much a given I think! And there's hardly any sex...but, but, but.

Having kids has also given us a shared endeavour, a shared journey, ridiculous amounts of laughter, joy, bone tiredness and happiness.

On Sunday morning all four of us were lying in our bed, messing about, hysterical with laughter and I thought 'I have laughed more in one morning with kids than I would have in a whole week without them.' And DH feels that too.

A little of what Hacked said and a little of what Corporate said.

The first few months were incredibly difficult (with added stresses such as DD being premature and having various medical tests) but we clung to each other through that.

I needed DH in a way I hadn't needed him before. Luckily he stepped up. He totally understood/sympathised with how hard a time I was having at home, and helped as much as he could, rather than somehow thinking I was having a lovely time off work.

Now, as DD has got older, things are much calmer and easier. Our relationship is different - we are more tired, have less sex, far fewer meals out or time as a couple. But we also have lots of new shared experiences, jokes and priorities based on DD, which again brings us closer together. I think it helps that we were long past the "honeymoon phase" anyway before DD came along, and we'd had many years of couple dom so didn't miss it too much.

In the future I hope we'll regain more time as a couple - it is important. But we both understand that is "on hold" for a few years, barring the odd day off thanks to grandparents.

Really hard in the first few months due to tiredness. Got more normal after 6 months. I am currently 24 weeks pregnant and we are bickering again, mainly because I am so knackered and looking after a toddler. I think the problem is that we both think we have more right to be tired than the other person. With us it is all about being tired which is boring but if we are.not sleep deprived we are great xx

Hard for the first 11 months until DS stopped waking up a million times a night we argued and resented each other lots but once he started sleeping it made DS happier in the day too so we were both less tired and happier.

DS is 2.8 now and DP and I are very close we make time to be together just us so when DS goes to bed we don't run around doing a million things we sit together and chat/watch tv/read a couple of times a week at least. I always remembered my mum and dad sitting in different rooms watching tv but when my mum and step dad got together (and still now) they would sit together lots just doing nothing.

I definitely love DP as much as I love DS just in a different way I don't want DS to grow up and move out only to realise without DS we are strangers.

Watching

watching with interest. a lot of this all feels familiar.
last night I asked DP if he missed our old bedroom in our old flat (from pre-DS days) and he said he missed 'us' more. He said now its like we're just two people living together, raising DS.
Was the saddest thing he's ever said to me :(
it's hard, really hard on a relationship. I don't think raising children always brings out the best in you, and the person who bears the brunt is your partner, as your child certainly shouldn't.
I think you need to be solid enough for a certain amount of "see you on the other side of this early years parenting shite" and trust that they'll still be there.

Parenthood has made me realise how well DH and I work as a team. With very very little family help from day one we were just left to get on with it, and I think we have coped brilliantly juggling work and the demands of two DC.
The tiredness and running about however does have an impact. Even now several years on, it is a real effort sometimes to stay up and actually converse when they are in bed.

For us, well, me in particular I thought I knew dh. Been together 10 years by the time ds1 came along.

I was surprised at how bonded and attached dh was to ds1 from the moment he arrived.

I had not really taken any notice of him around kids...which was very minimal to be fair.
He took to it immediately and has been devoted and hands on since. Same with ds 2.
For us as a couple, we are not as close to each other physically as we were, can't remember the last time we had a snog.

It's still fab tho.

With DD1 I wouldn't say it affected our relationship too much but with DD2 the first few months were tough.

I resented the fact that I used to be up all night BF DD2 and then DD1 would wake up full of beans at 7am and I was exhausted. DH would've been snoring all the way through it.
He resented that I was able to stay home & he had to go to work (I would've swapped with him many a time) and the hardly and sex/me going to bed early didn't help.

DD2 is 15 weeks now & things have improved a lot as her nighttime sleep has. I am less tired and we have more time for each other. We've even managed a few meals out just us, which has been lovely & he does help me loads more with DD2 since I told him I was finding it hard. I think making time for each other is vital!

At first things were ok but about 2-3 months into parenthood something just shifted. I felt like I had grown up, had matured, was responsible for a new life whereas he hadn't changed at all. I felt like I was the parent and he was just someone who lived in the house with me. DH used to be my everything but now my DS is. My DH knows he has been demoted and I think he feels a bit pushed out, he has said he doesn't feel like a couple anymore and that me and DS are the new couple whilst he sits on the outside. There have been many arguments stemming from my resentment of him being able to just carry on with his life, go to work, social, pursue his hobbies as normal whereas I was permanently exhausted and tied to an EBF baby. DS is 6 months old and we haven't had sec since he was born and I have absolutely no desire to. Sometimes being a new parent makes you see characteristics or personality traits in your partner that you didn't know were there and sometimes you see good things but you can also see bad things too.

I know I still love DH but he's no longer my priority like he used to be. I do miss us just being 'us' and how we could go out together at night or we could curl up in bed all day just laughing and watching DVDs but that life is a million miles away now. Sometimes I look at our relationship now and can't even remember how it used to be. I go to bed some nights and realise I haven't cuddled or kisses DH for days.

I really hope that as time passes things will start to go back to how they were but whether things will ever be the same, I don't know.

With DC1, it was rocky for the first few months. I resented DH a lot and felt really unsupported and he just hadn't got a handle on what his new role a a father was all about. We didn't communicate well and didn't work as a team at all. Things gradually improved though and my resilience definitely improve once Dd started sleeping through at 15mo!

DC2 - things are much better. We communicate better and share the load more.

It's still changed our relationship. I mean, obviously we don't have sex at all very much! I feel differently about him though, but not in a resentful or bitter way. I don't love him as intensely or as passionately as I once did. That's reserved for the children now. I think he feels the same, although neither of us would admit it! It's more a companionable kind of love, or even just a friendship really.

We're exhausted lazy though too - we don't make time for each other. Even when we have time to ourselves in the evenings we spend it on our phones or the computer, instead of having quality time with each other. Not sure it's necessarily kids or maybe just time that does that to a relationship!