What happens to our DS if both of us were to die unexpectedly?

[bouncinbean]

I know its a bit grim to think about but we are just sorting out our wills and lots of 'what if' questions are being raised?
Who makes the decisions - next of kin or is it social services? If we write something in our will is it followed, just considered or is it ignored?

The scenario is that both my parents are elderly as is DP's mum and I think it would be too much to expect for them to have to become 'parents'. I am an only child so no immediate family on my side. DP does have a sister but here lies the problem - she is our closest family but we really don't get on. She hates how we live our life (self employed, freelance, not bothered by material things like a fancy house or car, love our hobbies and spend spare time pursuing them) but she does love spending time with DS when he's at DP's mums (won't come and see him at ours because she doesn't like us).

For some reason I am very worried that should something terrible happen to me and DP then DS would be automatically placed with her, and because of something she said to us last weekend I know she would deliberately make sure DS would live a life that she would choose for him and that he would be prevented from carrying on with our interests and that she would not ensure memories of us and our way of doing things would not be kept alive.

So is there any point writing something in our wills that our preference is for DS to not be placed with her, and to name some friends and more distant family that we would be happier for DS to be with? Or should we accept that if something terrible does happen that it doesn't matter about how DS is brought up as long as he is loved?

Firstly you and DH need to sit down and discuss what you want to happen with the dcs. His sister.....a friend.....make that decision and ask them if you can make it a formal agreement in your will.

Then wrire it up.

You should get your instructions written into your will, obviously checking firstly with the friend or family member that you would like to care for your child. You might also want to make some financial arrangements so that they would not be 'out of pocket' if they had to care for your child.

Rather than wording it 'we don't want sister to look after our child' - you should specify 'X has agreed to be guardian to our child in the event of our death'.

NB - get legal advice, this is only a suggestion .

It is my understanding that the Courts do not have to honour your wishes but if you make it absolutely clear what you want to happen I can't see any situation where they wouldn't. But check with whoever you are asking first. .

Fwiw if my parents became too elderly or infirm to care for my dcs, then they would go to a friend and her husband who have almost identical parenting priorities and values.

I adore.my MIL and two.SILs however they all parent very differently to dh and I and I wouldnt want to give that life permanently to my children. Regular grandparental/family access would be encouraged.

Thanks - sounds better to write it as a positive of who we would like him to be with, rather than a 'don't send him to...'
We have 3 possible families in mind and will have the chat next time we see them.
I have an old will I was going to adapt but will look into how much it might be for some legal advice on a new one.
I am going to put my mum down as executor and will also have a good chat about my reservations and why we want things like this.
Absolutely want contact to be maintained with family and DP's sister - just would be happier knowing her influence is limited not constant.

In the event of our untimely deaths, DD will go to one of two guardians depending upon where suits her best, life insurance will take care of her financially till after uni (should she choose to go) so that she is not a burden on the guardian's family. Both guardians are Godparents, our closest friends and would respect absolutely our wishes and her decisions when she is old enough to make them.

This is in both our wills and were drawn up before DD was a month old.