Moral dilemma - Ds drifted apart from a pal who has invited him for a sleepover

[voluptuagoodshag]

Just wondering whether to come clean or make excuses or force Ds to go.

Ds is will be ten soon and this pal has just turned nine. They have played well in the past but Ds is drifting away from him as he gets older. Tbh the pal can be quite babyish at times and has spoiled some of Ds's parties and plays. However I do feel a bit sorry for him as he is quite a gentle, deep wee boy and doesn't appear to have many pals.

His mother is also a close friend and has recently had a lot to deal with which I won't go into but I feel it would make her sad if ds didn't want to play with her Ds anymore.

I know Ds doesnt want to invite pal to his next party and can understand why because of previous history. He just doesn't want to hang round him anymore. Arrghhhh what to do!

Surely if you force your ds to go, neither boy would enjoy it?

At 10 I think you have to let them choose their own friends.

You can still be friends with his mother.

I don't think there is a right or a wrong solution to be honest. (Helpful)

Your DS is old enough, I think, to understand that sometimes small sacrifices must be made and that kindness must be shown to those more vulnerable than ourselves.

OTOH if the boy has spoiled things for DS in the past (how seriously?) then it's totally understandable. I would have been very upset at his age if my mother kept forcing friendships on me.

Why don't you invite the boy round to stay as a favour to your friend rather than as a 'friend of DS' and do some activities with him, which your DS can join in or not?

Sorry, probably not helpful.

Think I'll just make excuses. It was obvious last time they were together that they weren't getting on. We all went to the park and the boys played together for only a wee while before drifting off to do their own thing. Regarding the last two parties: one was a sleepover at ours with two other boys, the pal didn't want to watch the film they'd all wanted to see because he thought it was too scary and the following day had a bit of a strop when they were all playing together outside; next party was at laser quest where the pal bottled it at the last minute and me and DH had to remain with him in the cafe whilst Ds and his pals had a blast in the game.

I have had exactly this scenario, close friend with DS my DS isn't keen on anymore. I did start making excuses and have made an effort to move my friendship with the mother onto a more going out for drinks in evening basis rather than meeting up with kids.

Well, he didn't exactly spoil your ds's parties, did he? That sounds as if he did it on purpose, rather than being scared. What was the film, as a matter of interest?

It was a James Bond Film

Do 8 year olds watch James Bond?

Rated 13a so it was a special treat for my Ds and his pals. With hindsight I should have made the mother aware that this was the intention so the pal knew what to expect but on the day he just wailed that he didn't want to watch it so I felt I couldn't expect him to and the kids watched something else. However the thing that DS remembers is that he didn't get to watch a James Bond film on his birthday.

I don't think someone should have to go to a sleepover with someone they don't particularly get on with. A 1-2hr play is one thing, a sleepover is another.

I feel very very strongly that you should never consider showing an over-age film to a child without OKing with the parent in advance that that's OK. Not even at a party. Your DS remembering he didn't get to watch the film is your responsibility, not the other child's.

You are right and in the end they never watched the film. Though it was rated 13a and we would have been present but you are right none the less and I learned my lesson from that one. And you are right too about sleepover. It wouldn't be fair on my Ds.

I imagine I'll always be pals with the mum, we meet up with other mums once a week for a walk. Might just be a bit awkward meantime.

Also, the film was a very last minute thing. Originally had the day planned to go to a fun pool after school then the sleepover but a blizzard blocked the roads so had to think of a quick alternative since we were snowed in

"However the thing that DS remembers is that he didn't get to watch a James Bond film on his birthday."

OK. I really really think that you should not let him think like this. He's old enough to understand that people are different. And describing an 8 year old as "wailing" that he didn't want to watch a 13a film sounds very unfair to me. Ditto the Laser Quest. Scary at 8/9 if you're sensitive and haven't done it before. Not "babyish"

Different if you had to be out for the evening and there was no one to sit with him, and the only person who could have him was your friend. But not as a supposedly two friends getting together for the night to have fun and a midnight feast type thing.

Say there's too much school work and he's overtired or something. Then, when you see friend face to face, mention that the two boys seem to be growing apart atm, but that you expect they'll find htey develop more in common as time goes by, or something nice (ish) like that.