3 year old and death/trauma

[elliejjtiny]

My Dad died suddenly 6 months ago and my 5th child was born 3 months ago. My 3rd child (DS3 aged 3.8) has been struggling with both since then. He keeps saying "Mummy was in hospital" and telling me how much he missed me. When I go to the GP or a hospital appointment he gets worried and keeps asking if I'm ok. I was in hospital for 8 days when DS5 was born, a long time for a 3 year old. I was in HDU for some of that time but he didn't see me then.

He is struggling with my Dad dying too. He didn't see him much, about every 3-6 months or so but he keeps asking where he's gone and worrying about my mum being lonely etc.

I'm not sure how to help him. I asked my HV who just shrugged and said "he'll be fine" which wasn't helpful and I just felt like an overanxious mother.

Hi Ellie,

I'm so sorry for your loss .

I have no experience but I find the "Aha Parenting" website fantastic for a whole range of toddler queries- a quick search on death/loss brings up a good few articles.

This has some suggestions for books that might help:

www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?PageID=3614642&A=SearchResult&SearchID=8359435&ObjectID=3614642&ObjectType=1

Was your dad in hospital when he died? Is there a possibility your hospital stay has him worried that you're going to die too? There could be an element of separation anxiety, and added to that your new DC might be making him feel a little insecure.

Article on new babies here:
www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/child_with_new_sibling/

It really is a great site- have a hunt around and I'm sure you'll turn up more.

HTH x

If you have left any gaps in the stories then fill them for him. It sounds like he needs a sit down chat about what happened. You need to simply put that even though there may be times when you go away in future there be much more notice than the last time and you won't go for as long and you will definatley always come back not like grandpa. It sounds like he's got these two losses muddled up.

I'm sorry for your loss too.

Thankyou. My dad wasn't in hospital and we have been for hospital appointments lots of times although not usually to stay the night. Those books look really good. He seems to be really confused and a few times he has pointed at our wedding photos on the wall and said that his granddad is stuck in the photo and asking me to rescue him.

When DS was 2.5, I was suddenly hospitalised for about a week (complications from a molar pregnancy), and for a long time afterwards he used to talk about how mummy was sick in hospital and came back in a taxi. He seemed to find it easier to accept when we pointed out it was like the mother in one of his favourite films (My Neighbour Totoro) who is ill and gets better. If you can find a book or film he likes in which a parent goes to hospital, is helped by doctors and gets better, that might be very useful.

Then when DS was 8 and DD was nearly 4, DH died, very suddenly. This was obviously tough for all of us to deal with, but I found the advice on the Winston's Wish website very helpful - they are a charity for bereaved children, and have a good guide to explaining death for children of different ages. It's probably worth a look to see if anything there might be relevant to you.