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Original poster

mixed race son wasn't invited to his best friend's birthday party fron Nursery

43 replies

baby2011and2012 · 24/09/2014 03:07

Hi, my son is very close to one little boy from nursery, he wasn't invited to his birthday party, most of the other kids were invited except from ones from Poland, one from China and my son :( . Probably affects me more than what would affect him, but I have got not clue what's best for me to do if he finds out he is not going to this party. My husband is white british I am from latin america, obviously my son isn't white and I am scared this issues to do with races and racism will upset his childhood and self esteem. Any advice from same experience or any helpful point of view please. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

scandichick · 24/09/2014 09:18

It's probably scant consolation, but at least you know which parents to avoid while your son is still to young to notice...

I don't have any personal experience, but I'd imagine working with him on his self confidence so he can shrug off those things as having all to do with the knob ends people in question about n the future, rather than him, would work best.

No matter what ethnicity you are, there will be idiots in life. If you realise that it's all on them and not you, I think it helps a lot.

scandichick · 24/09/2014 09:20

Oh, and if he notices I'd treat it like any party he wasn't invited to: "You can't invite everyone, we'll do something fun instead. There will be other parties."

Original poster

baby2011and2012 · 24/09/2014 09:44

I think self confidence will be the key and not just to deal with being excluded but to deal with everything in his life. Thank you

OP posts:

R4roger · 24/09/2014 09:47

you may think he is your son's best friend, but perhaps your son isnt his best friend?
perhaps the mums are friends? particularly as he is at nursery he is sitll very young.

DataColour · 24/09/2014 09:50

How rubbish for your son. I hope it's an oversight or the parents don't know that your son is close friends with this boy. How old are they?
My DCs are mixed race and we've never had this problem thankfully but we live in a very multicultural area. Can't believe anybody would actually leave out children based on their ethnicity...how bizzare.

Purpleroxy · 24/09/2014 10:05

If your ds is 3 (?) you will be able to shield him from this current party problem by either hoping he hasn't realised or giving him a treat to distract him.

In our school half the kids are white British and half the kids aren't (diverse mixture) and we have no such problems. I think you have been very very unlucky to encounter this racist parent(s) and I would not expect your ds's primary school years to be anything like this. You now know this parent is to be avoided.

Since this is a nursery rather than a school, I don't really think anything can be done by them. The kids are so little and clearly are not racist themselves if they are best friends. If this was a primary school, I think it would be different and I would be letting the teacher and head teacher know. By that stage, the kids could be taking on their parents' prejudices and that would be completely unacceptable in school and a school would take action - giving talks to the kids etc. Talking to parents. Not allowing invites to be given out by teachers etc.

mabelbabel · 24/09/2014 10:05

I agree with R4roger, feeling excluded is never nice, but it might well be nothing to do with race. My daughter got invited to a birthday party at nursery of someone that we had never even heard the name of before (and there were only 10 or so people at the party). We would never have invited her to our daughter's birthday party because she had never been mentioned! But from the other family's point of view they were close friends. Kids can be funny like that. Have you ever met/spoken to the parents?

Floggingmolly · 24/09/2014 10:08

How long has he been at nursery? At this age, lots of parents invite the kids of the parents they already know (from NCT classes, baby groups, etc), so it may be nothing personal.

worldgonecrazy · 24/09/2014 10:36

As others have said, at least you know which parents to avoid.

We have a similar situation, but in our case it is another parent who doesn't like our religion. Unfortunately my daughter had played with her children for a few weeks before it came up, and then she immediately told her children to avoid my daughter, after a friendship had already formed.

It's so much easier when bigots show their colours early on - I'm almost jealous (being sarcastic!)

Sonnet · 24/09/2014 10:37

How on earth do you know it is because of race?

Princesspond · 24/09/2014 10:43

I think at nursery it's really hard, my son wouldn't say the names of anyone he played with so I had to ask the staff. I was wholly dependant on their response which may have missed out someone, also they were v bad at passing the invites on I'm pretty sure some if the people who never responded just didn't get the invite and not knowing them I couldn't chase it up.

Also you don't know who else they were inviting, when mine were little I invited mainly my friends and their little ones, there were v few spaces for nursery friends.

bunnybing · 24/09/2014 11:00

How do you know which children have or have not been invited to this party?

I agree that in nursery it is often the staff who tell parents who their DCs friends are - my dd was not invited to (who she thought of as) her best friends party at that age. Equally she was invited to another child's party who it transpired she didn't even know (they attended on different days).

SolomanDaisy · 24/09/2014 11:11

I can see it could be innocent or it could be racism. My (3 year old) DS talks about children who don't seem interested in him and I've had other parents mention to me that their kids talk about DS a lot when he has never mentioned them. So it could be that simple. On the other hand, some people are actually racist twats and some may be prejudiced about people who speak other languages. Do these parents normally seem friendly?

Original poster

baby2011and2012 · 24/09/2014 15:54

Hi everyone thank you for taking the time to reply.
My son is 3, he started nursery in March this year. He seems to like this little boy very much, as soon as they see each other before the nursery starts every morning they play together and they get on very well, but somebody mention something very important here.. "he is my son's best friend, but perhaps my son isn't his best friend". :)
I am upset because I heard the mum chatting with another mum who received the invitation and she was telling her about the party, she mentioned which children are going, I was behind them in the queue waiting for the teacher to open the nursery doors, she wasn't aware I was there though, she did not mentioned the kids who are from Poland and one from China and also my son's name, the rest of the kids she mentioned started nursery pretty much at the same time my son did and obviously they are not foreign or mixed kids.
I know nobody is obligated to invite my son to their children's birthdays, but considering clearly he is being excluded because of my/his race I feel annoyed.
I feel very sad that my son will be exposed to this kind of awful things thanks to people who think my skin colour and ethnicity group is an abomination. I was in tears this morning thinking "silly" he will blame me at some stage of his life for this things. I am very weak in this subject and the only way I can help him to face this kind of things in the future is start working on myself. :) But unfortunately we live in a not multicultural area, so better start soon.

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 24/09/2014 18:44

What? at 3 their best friends change every day. Why would you expect to be invited to the party considering you aren't friends with the boy's mum? I think you're reading into this far too much tbh. She probably invited the people she knew.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 24/09/2014 18:57

It might not be a racism thing. At 3 quite often parents invite children of their friends rather than friends of their children IYSWIM.

But it does look a bit fishy if those three were the only children excluded.

Original poster

baby2011and2012 · 25/09/2014 16:59

might not be racism.... but looks like if only children who were excluded are foreign or mixed race.

OP posts:

Original poster

baby2011and2012 · 25/09/2014 17:12

I know children at this age don't have that special best friend but for some reason my son likes this little boy very much, no idea why.
I am not his mum's friend and neither the other mums, she just invited children that aren't "foreign" or like my son "mixed race" that's it. Otherwise, I would not have felt my son was excluded.
But everybody has got the right to invite or not invite people to birthday parties for money reasons, family reasons, etc or for racism reasons.
Thank you again for all the comments

OP posts:

nicename · 25/09/2014 17:18

I'd be very surprised if it was race. Where abouts in the country are you?

It could very well be based on the kids the mum knows well, or geography, or who little Tommy talks about at home. Maybe little Tommy had a squabble with your little one on the day the list was agreed? Or maybe mum started with the kids whose parties he has been to, add a few siblings and you can very easily get to party number capacity. Or maybe there's just a clique of mums who lazily invite 'the usual suspects' along.

My son is 'mixed' (and a much bigger 'bogeyman' state than a S American country iykwim!) and we've never had any racism targetted at him. And you could well meet him and not assume that he is mixed - like his best mate, so ypu never really know at school, do you? One mum did stare and ask where he was from - I bristled like mad and gave her the evils whilst composing a snappy comeback (most likely 'mind your own fucking business') until she apologised profusely and said 'its because I'm from [same country] and think he looks like my brother when he was little'.

Try not to assume anything at this point - you don't want to transfer any racist anxieties onto your little boy. You never really know what goes on in the politics of nursery/playdates and school and if he's little, you have many many years of it to come.

Trust me - kids get left out of parties for loads of reasons.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 25/09/2014 17:19

Unless she actually said that I think it's unfair to label this woman as prejudice. She didn't invite you to a party that doesn't mean she she did it because of the colour of your skin. How do you know which children she invited if you don't actually know her?

Siennasun · 25/09/2014 20:37

I don't think it's fair to say he is "clearly being excluded because of his race". From what you've said she just named some children who are going to the party and didn't name any that weren't white British (that you know of).
Did she say something else to suggest it was a race issue? If not, it's a big jump from that to call her racist.

SolomanDaisy · 25/09/2014 21:33

I'm not sure why people find it so hard to believe it could be racist. Some people are racist. I'm white British, but we live abroad so my DS is the 'foreign' child. Some parents are prejudiced. You see all the time people on mumsnet being wary of EAL kids having a negative impact on their children's education. Fortunately racists and bigots tend to be in a minority everywhere. I also think being the foreigner and being exposed to more than one language has advantages, like being comfortable with people from a variety of backgrounds.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 25/09/2014 21:52

Of course people can be racist but nothing the OP has posted indicates this is what's happening. It's a bit of a leap to suggest racism just because you're not invited to a party bug someone you don't even know!

thedevilinside · 25/09/2014 22:01

Party invitations at this age are about the mum's friendships and nothing else, I found this out the hard way, my asperger's logic told me my children would be invited by their friends, unfortunately this wasn't the case (until about year 3 of school). If you can't network with other mums (or you are different in any way) you're pretty much doomed in terms of parties and play dates.

nailslikeknives · 25/09/2014 22:20

Overt racism in the UK doesn't surprise me, my family has first hand experience of it even in the lovely, leafy areas where we've lived. My nursery aged child has experienced it too, although he wasn't aware of the reasons for it and that's in the very multicultural place we live now. I'm sorry you may be experiencing it now.

One way to get to know the parents of children who your child likes is to bite the bullet and invite them over. I've done this and it's great to get to know the parents as well as the child. I normally start with "My son has told me so much about how he and your son enjoy playing together at Nursery. Would you like to pop over/meet in a nearby park for a play date next week?" I've always had a positive response.

As you live in a non-multicultural area, you might have to take the initiative with some people. You shouldn't have to, but that's life and someone's got to start the ball rolling. Good luck.

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