Am I being controlling?

[Mala]

Dh has accused me of being controlling a number of times. Just to give you some background. I work part-time, dh works full-time and is in a very demanding job, so it's basically up to me to do most of the childcare of our 3 year old dd. He is a much more playful(childish I often find) person than me. He says he doesn't see much of her so likes to be spontaneous and playful when he does. For example he often comes back late, just as our dd is sleeping. He will then get her all worked up again and so it takes longer for her to get to sleep(she has pre-school, so I do want her to get a good nights rest). He'll feed her coke - which he says is occasionally so is okay, but I am not keen on esp. at bedtimes. I feel he is not repecting my routine, whereas he thinks I am always criticising whatever he does with dd. What should I do? Should I just let him be and parent whatever way he wants. Should I never tell him not to do something? He says I tell him off in front of dd and I'm trying to control him. I feel I'm doing 99% of the childcare and I know best.
Would appreciate some opinions/advice on this

I can see his point - telling him off in front of your dd undermines him, and lets her see that she can "divide and conquer". She will play the two of you off against each other, and that's no good for any of you.

I don't think you should let him parent the way he wants, but I do think that you should both sit down and discuss your parenting. Have some rules - if she's in bed when he comes home then she stays there and he doesn't get her up; no Coke at bedtime but she can have a glass at the weekend. Work out where both of you stand, come to an agreement about how you will work at this, and then present a united front to your dd.

Coke to a 3yr old
That'd be divorce in my house
Seriously, not control you know best...

i can totally relate to you feeling he shouldnt get your dd excited just before bedtime.. lucky for me i only had to explain once to my dh and he understood

perhaps not a good idea to tell of your dh infront of dd though, but no i dont think you are being controlling

what would happen if when he gets dd excited just before bedtime you suggest that he trys to calm her down and put her to sleep? does he? does he know how hard it is?

its not fair on your dd either as she wont be in no routine

have you tried to explain to dh why you dont want her getting exciting just before bedtime, or that coke/caffiene just before bedtime is not a good idea... if you have explained then what does he say to this? if you havent, perhaps without patronising him or shouting at him you explain or make him understand why you are telling him off

With regards to the bedtime. He says that he doesn't see much of her and he is being himself. He comes back and is playfull and he can't help the way he is. Ofcourse it is up to me to then try and calm her and put her to sleep. With the coke, it's not that he does it often, but I hate the stuff so much I can't help but say something even if it is a rare occasion. I know I shouldn't really be saying anything in front of dd, but it's hard when he knows what my position about things are and he still goes ahead and does it. I have tried explaining my side, but he just says that he never tells me what to do and what not to do, so he should be allowed to be himself. He can be so silly/childish with dd, which I find annoying but is his way of bonding apparently. Sigh.....

i see his point with the bonding, but theres a time and a place, does he work weekends? if not, then thats the time, if it was me, i would tell him that if he is going to get her all excited before bedtime then he has to put her to bed,

may not seem fair on dd at first, but when he can see how hard it is perhaps he will think twice...would he do that?
if not, go on strike! ..i did that once and it worked

bubbly1973 - Problem is that dd wants me to put her to bed, so things would kick off even more if I insist he does it. Some weekends he works, some he doesn't. Thing is that he wants to be(his words) "Spontaneous" and not have to think twice about whether I would approve or not Honestly, I just think he's oversensive and can't be told anything - twat.

perhaps try to compromise, maybe he can do bedtime story/song with her - still get good time with her but make it part of her wind down routine?
My dp is not playful enough so it is always hard to find the middle ground

Piffle, the problem is that he comes back from work after she's had her bath and story. Sometimes he comes back just before story time and then when he does do storytime, there's alot of playing so it goes on for ages and dd gets very excitable with the additional play aspect he adds on. I guess with the playful aspect, it's in your nature or not, just wish dh would limit it to appropriate times.

My dp had similar tendancies when ds was smaller, (now nearly 5). In the end, I used to just leave him to it and arrange to go out - thet way he had to pick up the pieces if ds got overexcited. One night he mesed about for hours and ended up crying and dp was frazzled to the bone. Only after that were we able to have a sensible conversation about not winding him up at bedtime.

I really think you both need to sit down and talk this through, I don't think you are controlling, but you have to make him see why you do certian things a certain way,and as for coke...totally disagree with that one!
I think he needs to see that being a parent is not just about fun!
Encourage lots of time spend together at weekends, when he isn't working...and in the evenings he could read stories and do quiet games with your dd!So, he would still spend qualitytime with her.

If you're being controlling, he's being disrespectful, IMO.

I will try and take a step back and give dh more space. In return I will ask him to repect some key guidelines, like no play at bedtimes on a school night. Thing is he is very responsible when he is looking after dd and I'm not around, it's just when I am around he does what he wants. Guess he knows I'm around to mop up the mess so to speak.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I think the important thing to remember is that you are both her parents, and therefore you both have a say in how she is brought up. It is not purely up to one or the other to decide what is best for your dd, unless it is a matter of your dd's safety. With regard to your dp playing with dd at bed time, do you find that you end up paying for it the next day? i.e. is she over tired/cranky/more miserable for not having had quality sleep? if so then you might try and discuss this with your dh "I know you love to play when you get in, but she was really miserable today because she was tired, couldn't you just read a book/do a puzzle/something to help her wind down instead and just play on weekends when getting up isn't so important?" But if she's not affected like that by daddy coming home and playing with her, then maybe you should just let it go. if he works all day and doesn't see much of her then it can't be easy for him, i know my dah doesn't get in till nearly ds' bed time and he hates that he can't play with him, even though he does understand why.

With regards to the coke, I would just explain to him that you think coke is highly inappropriate for a 3 year old, or any child for that matter, considering how much sugar/cafeen it contains, and that there are other sugary drinks that your dd could have instead. in fact tell him there's a mn'er who used to drink lots of coke and who had to give it up because she was getting palpitations, that might just do the trick.